Friday Night Ritual

Conversation between my drinking buddy and I last night!

**First Excuse....

*** 2nd Excuse.....
















Still sober!  Sometimes miss my drinking buddies.... but don't really miss the drinking part.....
I'm feeling so healthy right now.....i don't want to change that....

I'm glad I said no....  made me realize that I'm not a bad friend for saying no.....my friend was trying to fill her boredom.....it wasn't about me at all!

40!

Sober Celebration for me today!  

I know it's only 40 days, but I love the number 40!  I'm 40 something and my life really began at the age of 40!   40 Rocks!!  I love being 40!  I love that I've been sober for 40 days!  I'm celebrating with my tea, blankie and Season 3 of Breaking Bad.  (also reading blogs, posting and reading my new book!)

Have a great night!  Be kind to yourself and your body!  We only have one life, one body! Love it!  Live it!  Be fully alive everyday!!

40 days ago I was I wreck!  A total mess!  Spiralling out of Control!  I never want to go back there!  Ever

Day 39!

You must try this!
Drink with straw!

Today, I must say, was the first day that I had a craving for a cold glass of iced water with lemon.  I've been drinking that all week to quench my thirst and maybe the lemon has been helping but I was content with that feeling.  It doesn't happen very often, or I could say hasn't happened very often ....



I'm almost at the 40 mark....That means I'm about 10 closer to beating my record of sober days!!  Woot Woot!!






Gaining weight has been an issue that I've been trying to deal with....I like my slim body and feel good in it....maybe cause I'm single....but that's how I like it.  I don't feel comfortable when I let myself go and eat like shit.   I must admit that eating like shit was part of my plan to help me quit drinking.  I ate sweets, salts, pastas, creamy sauces, pizza, coffee and cream.....  all that as a treat to me!   Heck, I gave up my best friend!  BEER!  My BFF is gone..... so I replaced her with something else.

I broke some of those crazy drinking habits that I was in and now that I've dealt with a few firsts....I'm ready to focus on loosing this ass!   Damn it, my pants are tight!

So...I stumbled on a blog I've been following "Oh, for the Love of me...." and she discusses The Whole 30 program that she's been following.  

30 days of clean eating!!!!   I signed up and started today!  I feel amazing.  Went out and bought the book "It Starts With Food" and will start reading it, in between blogging and catching up on Breaking Bad....I'm just starting season 3.  (I had to get into something, while I laid under my blankets on those Friday nights.  



My ex causes me a lot of grief.  Sometimes my kids are pain in the asses.   Sometimes people piss me off.  When I feel the urge to snap, crackle and pop, I take a Vitamin B with GABA....see picture on side of post.   I swear that these vitamins keep my heart from bulging out of my chest.  They are a calming vitamin....very natural.   I don't work for the company nor get paid to advertise.  I'm just a plain chick trying to find other ways of dealing with stress, instead of resorting to the calming effects of alcohol.    I take this vitamin at least 3 times a day, especially when feeling stressed.  Is it all in my head?  I don't think that matters.   It works for me.  It may work for you!

Goodnight!

See you all tomorrow for my 40th day celebration!!!!

I think I'm going to create a new blog.......   How to lose weight you've gained after quitting drinking....lol

Empowerment!

Today, I woke up and read a couple of blogs and messages ....

I feel empowered today!  I feel empowered every morning when I wake up feeling alive again.  I wake up thinking...fucken sweet....I didn't fall for the voice in my head that tried to convince me to drink last night.  I won!  

I am 42 years old.  I have struggled with alcohol since I was 17 years old, stealing beer from my mom's cases and stealing vodka from the house I babysat at.....  

I tried to quit drinking and tried so hard to break the alcoholic cycle in my family for so many years.

I am doing it today!  I want to do it forever!  I want my kids to continue to have the best mom in the world.  The one that is in control of shit around here.  The one that says "no" and means it!  The one that has rules and consequences for negative behaviour.  I am finally a mom to my children!

My house is organized.  My work is organized.  My body is starting to get healthier....just need to stop eating junk....but I deserve it for now.

I received a message this morning on one of my post which truly inspired me to continue my sober journey, even though some days I want to crawl in a hole.   Helping and inspiring someone has made this journey worth every effort it took to get here.   I feel empowered today!  

I would love to help and inspire anybody that has been in my situations.  If you read my blogs, you know it hasn't been easy for me.  It's been a roller coaster ride for a few years now.  I created a new email address and would love to chat with you when you want to reach out.  

Please don't hesitate to email me at jenssoberhelp@hotmail.com.   I am definitely not a professional sober person.  I am just a lady trying to live sober and healthy just like you.  ... and I'm not in it for the money either.    :)   If I could help one single person in the world, I've served my purpose here on Earth.  

God Bless

Jen
Day 37!   Yay!

Day 36 -

I'm not sure what to call this post!   I continue to have my ups and downs.  

Day 36 is definitely easier than day 5 was or day 10.    We must keep busy that's for sure.....or sometimes just crawl into bed with a bowl of popcorn and a movie.

My poor friend doesn't want to understand that I don't want to drink anymore.  She continues to ask me to get together.  I told her I would do dinner and movies and that's it.   Part of me would love to drop everything and have a night of partay but I know where that one night will lead me.   I've been there about 15 times in the last 7 years.  I would start off slowly drinking until I find myself picking something up at the liquor store every other day.  I would then begin to hide my booze so that my children don't see it or me drinking it.  I would then start drinking heavily when my kids are away because then I wouldn't have to hide it.  I'd have parties here because everyone leaves their left-over bottles here and it usually gives me a "free" drinking week.  I would spend money I should be saving.  I would develop insomnia again and toss and turn on a nightly basis because I'm afraid to have a hangover.   Hangovers would start up and I would find myself drinking by noon the next day to "cure" my hangover.  I would find myself making excuses to stay home, so that I didn't have to drive.  I would stop running and taking care of my body.  I would feel bloated and get baggs under my eyes.  

Fuck that cycle!  I am not going there again.  I know that this is exactly where I would find myself because i've been there at least 15 times in the last 7 years!  Fuck it!  I'm passing my record of sober days.....50 was the longest..... It's about time I learn my lesson.

I've gained about 11 pounds since my quit date.  It reminds me of when I quit smoking about 12 years ago.  I gained weight then too.   I guess when we break off our addictive relationship, we become emotional eaters and I am definitely one of those.  I feel like I'm just feeding one addiction with another.  I'm obsessed with junk food, aka....chips and ice cream!    I also feel like if I keep my belly full, it breaks the thirst quench that I get way too often.  

Now I begin to focus on losing that 11 pounds I gained.....

I will try really hard to eat healthy, whole grain foods.  ....the paleo way!  I believe that this way of living is the best solution for me.

Effin Cravings!

I had a tough time after work today.  I was craving a nice cold beer badly.  I also love the fact that I have extra money in my account this month.    

So.... I drove past liquor store, got home, and went for a 5KM run.  I really didn't want to spend money today which helped make my decision to get past the cravings a little easier.

People are getting on my nerves.  The phone rang off the hook with people crying on my shoulder and venting about all the shit they are going through.  I'm actually sick of the same shit from the same people....I don't feel like listening anymore.  I just want to be left alone.

Nobody listens to my shit. ...probably because I don't feel like talking about it with anyone here in my hometown.  They just wouldn't understand my shit.

Thanks for listening my blogger friends.

I'm snuggled under my heavy blankets and really enjoying the fact that I'm sober and warm.

Hugs

Day 30! Yay!!!! .....now what?

Last night's cravings were bad!   Maybe because it was Friday night....maybe i was emotional....maybe i was lonely....maybe i just fuckin deserved a drink!!

But I resisted my millions of thoughts and survived the night drinking beautiful H2O.  Part of my strength came from knowing that today was going to be day 30 and i didn't want to screw that up.

I've gained weight this month. I treated myself and indulged in chips and ice cream often because i was resisting temptation to drink.  I kept my belly full so that I knew that one drink wouldn't give me the buzz i was looking for.

Twelve years ago , i quit smoking.  I gained weight then too!   Isn't it normal to gain weight when we let something go?     I know it won't take me long to get back on track with my weight but I don't really like myself right now.

Now what?

I have lost drinking buddies. I'm gaining weight.  I don't drink.  I'm a lonely 40 something year old.   I'm in debt.  

I have never been sober for more than 50 days.   I don't feel that strong but I'd love to beat my record. I also need to stop emotional eating.  It's making me feel yucky about myself.

Some days are better than other.  Some days i feel like a bull ready to fight in a ring!   Some days i feel like shit!

Day 26...Yay! Day 27 too....

Well, I must admit....the last few days have been easier.  I haven't thought much about drinking or wanting booze to relax my body.  I've turned my focus on other things...rearranging things, work, kids, rest, reading, eating, running, sleeping....

I think that the tough parts of my sobriety passed....maybe not all parts....like I haven't been invited to a wedding yet, or I haven't had a birthday yet..... but other tough parts....

....the cravings are the worst things to beat....once they come, you really have to fight em....fight em till they pass because once they're gone for the night, they're gone....and it feels so damn good to win the fight...

....facing drinking buddies was tough....they are still going through Jen withdrawals but I know they will be okay

....feeling bored and lonely were feelings I really had to face up to......  I wonder if I will ever meet someone who doesn't drink to spend my life with .....

.....dealing with stress was huge.....once that old ticker starts pounding, it's so much easier to grab a drink to calm it down.....but then what.....stress is still there the next day....and the next day.....  dealing head on, sober, with the shit we go through is so much easier.....



2nd part....

Today is Day 27....I'm finishing last night's post here....

I went to mediation class today and the teacher told us that we should be meditating everyday.....make it a habit...

He said that it takes 21 days to make new habits or break old ones.   21 days!   Maybe that's why things seem so much easier lately....  I've made new habits.  ....new habits for dealing with stress....new after work routines....new refreshing drinks and teas have been tested.....new habit to take time for me....including quiet time and rest.....

I love meditation class!  This is my second session with this instructor.  I took the first session last year when I quit drinking the last time, but I couldn't bring myself into a deep meditation.   I think I'm at a better place in my life today.

I feel fantastic!  Finally catching up on sleep!  Haven't been hungover in 27 days!  That friggen rocks!
If you'd have read my blog last month, you wouldn't believe that I'd be saying how great I feel today as a sober woman.  I was spiralling out of control......and thought there was no way out.  

It's hard to believe that sobriety could take you out of that rut we are stuck in while we are drinking...that wanting....the cravings..... they really do all pass when we are strong enough to say I'm done with the shit!

God Bless
Jen

Been Thinking....a lot

Last night's staff party brought a lot of laughter and gossip.   I'm extremely glad I went and stayed sober!  I watched as others drank...  Most of em just brought one or two drinks with them.  Many drank water.   Only one brought a 4 L box of wine and got tipsy.  Can you guess who?  My drinking buddy (past one).  I almost felt sorry for her cause she was sad that no one was drinking with her or like her.  Usually, it was me!  We were drinking buddies after all!

I left early and I guess everyone left right after because she texted me this an hour later:

<I'm feeling good.  Can you come drink with me?> 

I replied : <Awe.  I'm sorry ...I'm already in my PJs >

I thought about her for a while and thought about something a blogging buddy wrote on here or told me.  

When a friend tries to get you to drink with her, it's because she is trying to satisfy her needs to drink.  She doesn't care that you're trying to get sober.  She just cares about having someone there to make her feel better about drinking, especially if she's drinking alone.

Don't get me wrong....I love my buddy.  I just didn't feel as guilty as I normally would have felt, saying no to her request for a drinking buddy.



I ran my 12 KM today.  It was fantastic!  Haven't done that in a long time!  

I also thought about getting drunk today, picking up booze and just getting drunk without anybody knowing.  Just me and God.....
but that thought passed.  
It's always in back of my head though....  I'm focussed on making it to day 30 so I'm going to need lots of help to get passed that day!!

God Bless!
Jen
Day 23

Sober for Today

Thank you all for your comments.   They really helped me today.  I went to staff party late and left early.  People asked why I wasn't drinking.  I just said that I wanted to do a long 12 KM run tomorrow because I was training for a half marathon.   I ate a little bit of everything and then some.

It was tough when everyone was testing the Mojitos....went right by me.....in one hand....out the other.....

I was quiet probably and left first....I'm sure they all enjoyed gossiping about me when I left.

I'm so tired now.   I set up a movie in bed so that I could just lay there, feel sorry for myself and pass out....soberly.

I am pleased with my decision not to drink tonight, only because I WILL get up and run in the morning and not feel like shit....

I really do want to make it to Day 30!  I'm not really sure where I will go from there but it will do my body good to have a booze break.....although it's getting lots of treats lately.

However.... I miss the little buzz I could have had....you know that feeling you get when you're mind can stop thinking for a while.

...with a lot of difficulties

If there is a God, I hope He helps me this weekend.

I've been a mess....haven't touched booze in 22 days but that's all I can think of....

Daughter:   Mom, why are you so cranky

Me:   I'm just having some troubles babes..I'm sorry.   I love you.

Daughter:  Well, I think you should start drinking again.  You were happier.   Really mom.....

Me:  I'm sorry babes.  I'll be okay.....Please be patient.

Staff party tonight.....My mind says <<Fuck, I'm so close to 30 days!>>>   My body says it's very fucking thirsty and tired.  It just wants to be numb for one day, one hour.....

Friggen thoughts suck....

15 days...and this one was a crazy one!

I'm not sure what was the worst part of my night.   Rushing my son to Emerg for stitches or the moment my friend put a beer in my hand because i was stressed from going to the Emerg. 

As i sat in Emerg with my little guy, i felt enormously grateful for the fact that i was totally sober and able to drive my son to the hospital in the first place.   It was much better than getting driven there and trying to mask my breath to break the smell of alcohol.  I was able to hold him as the doctor stuck the needle in his leg to freeze the cut so she could give him stitches. It was at that moment that i realized  that God works in mysterious ways.  It's been very rare lately, besides the last 15 days, that I've been sober at 7pm.   But here i was, with my precious angel being the mom that i was supposed to be.... The best mom in the world to him.  

I got back to camp a few hours later. My son wanted to go see his buddies to let them know he was fine.  Parents were drinking around the fire, kids went inside. My friend offered me a beer, then another  friend offered me one of his beers.   I said no both times. 5 minutes later, he put a cold beer in my hand and said you need this. I immediately pushed it away, knowing that yes i needed it, yes I would have loved it but no.... I didn't really WANT it.   Fuck!  Ok.... Maybe 25% of me did......a nice cold beer would have been amazing after the ordeal i had.  .....but the rest of my mind and body said no.     I gathered my kids and we walked back for some quiet movie and snuggles time.

Would it have been worth it.....having that cold beer?  Definitely not!   Now that I'm sitting here sober as shit, listening to my precious children snore away, I know that tomorrow morning i will be refreshed and able to run!  I also know that I will be the best mom i could be....one without guilt or a sleepless night or a hangover!

I'm exhausted, drained and probably not making much sense.

God Bless

Jen
Day friggen 15!