Day 36 -

I'm not sure what to call this post!   I continue to have my ups and downs.  

Day 36 is definitely easier than day 5 was or day 10.    We must keep busy that's for sure.....or sometimes just crawl into bed with a bowl of popcorn and a movie.

My poor friend doesn't want to understand that I don't want to drink anymore.  She continues to ask me to get together.  I told her I would do dinner and movies and that's it.   Part of me would love to drop everything and have a night of partay but I know where that one night will lead me.   I've been there about 15 times in the last 7 years.  I would start off slowly drinking until I find myself picking something up at the liquor store every other day.  I would then begin to hide my booze so that my children don't see it or me drinking it.  I would then start drinking heavily when my kids are away because then I wouldn't have to hide it.  I'd have parties here because everyone leaves their left-over bottles here and it usually gives me a "free" drinking week.  I would spend money I should be saving.  I would develop insomnia again and toss and turn on a nightly basis because I'm afraid to have a hangover.   Hangovers would start up and I would find myself drinking by noon the next day to "cure" my hangover.  I would find myself making excuses to stay home, so that I didn't have to drive.  I would stop running and taking care of my body.  I would feel bloated and get baggs under my eyes.  

Fuck that cycle!  I am not going there again.  I know that this is exactly where I would find myself because i've been there at least 15 times in the last 7 years!  Fuck it!  I'm passing my record of sober days.....50 was the longest..... It's about time I learn my lesson.

I've gained about 11 pounds since my quit date.  It reminds me of when I quit smoking about 12 years ago.  I gained weight then too.   I guess when we break off our addictive relationship, we become emotional eaters and I am definitely one of those.  I feel like I'm just feeding one addiction with another.  I'm obsessed with junk food, aka....chips and ice cream!    I also feel like if I keep my belly full, it breaks the thirst quench that I get way too often.  

Now I begin to focus on losing that 11 pounds I gained.....

I will try really hard to eat healthy, whole grain foods.  ....the paleo way!  I believe that this way of living is the best solution for me.