Thursday, January 1, 2015

New Blog

Hello to my followers.
I've created a third blog, symbolizing my third attempt at getting sober.   You can find it at the following link
I'm gonna need all the help and support I can get.  Many have you have touched my heart in the past and helped me find my way to recovery.  I want it back...the peace and serenity....the awareness and love....

Monday, December 2, 2013

I've made it through the last few days, especially yesterday, after walking passed the liquor store with the demon on my shoulder saying < Just get a small bottle of red one will're all alone.....just this one time>  

That demon was with me in the car too....trying to talk to me.....trying to convince me that I was okay now and I should be able to handle just this one day with a little bottle of wine.

Boy!  It was tough to fight him off, but I'm so grateful I did.

What triggered that?  It took me a while to figure that one out....  It started when I ran in to a "dating" friend of mine...someone I dated a few times, but knew deep down that he wasn't for me.   I ran into him, and the thoughts of us drinking red wine together entered my mind instantly.   This is what we did the last time we were on a date.   Loneliness set into my heart and mind and seeing him put crazy thoughts into my head like "....if I'm not drinking, I'll be single forever..."  There are not too many single guys out there that are gonna be sober or want to be with someone who is sober.  I know...I know...I'll meet someone one day....but I'm just saying, the good ones are few and far between....know what I mean?

I haven't been to a meeting in almost two weeks and I know that it's affecting my thought patterns.  I also know that I have to take time for them but life sometimes gets too hectic and bammo...I forget to take care of me.  I plan on doing a couple of meetings this weekend...I promise.

I've also promised myself to get out of this " I feel like shit much that I"m too lazy to get my ass in shape kinda thing"  

I swear that I'm part bear.  I want to ...sleep ...sleep...sleep ....and friggen hibernate until the sun comes out again.   

Oh!  I love that little script thing on the bottom of my sidebar.  It keeps track of my sober days for me!  What a great tool to have.  Now instead of counting days and having to keep track of them, the counter does it automatically.  I can send you a copy of the link for this if you'd like it.  :)

Monday, November 25, 2013

I'm almost scared.  I haven't craved alcohol since my last relapse.  I actually love the feeling of being free from it!  It's not around my house....anywhere..... I have no fears of getting caught with booze in my house....(by my kids).. I have no worries about driving anywhere anymore. ( I never drank and drove but I avoided going places because I'd rather drink)......My bank account is happy again....and so are the bags under my eyes....almost gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still tired.... I just have to fight off different things besides the winter blues....and all the weight I've gained since I quit drinking again...other everyday stresses in my life.   I haven't worked out once in the past month and I find myself feeling the effects from this.  I just have to find the motivation to run again!

I also have to be aware....aware that the demon still lies within me somewhere....I've hurt him because I've taken my power back....but I know that he will try to come out again...when I least expect it.

This time, I feel different.   Good different.  I like the freedom.....

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Ten Things I'm Grateful For....pass it on.....

1.  My 3 beautiful healthy children

2.  My health

3.  My career

4.  My home

5.  My calmness and spirituality that I'm discovering

6.  Food

7.  Sleep

8.  A new day

9.  The sun

10.  I'm an alcoholic

I'm grateful that I'm an alcoholic because if I wasn't, I don't think I'd be living the way I am.  I live a more spiritual, grateful life than I see most people living.  So many people worry about the little things in life and let their minds get carried away in negativity.  In AA meetings, I hear people say they are grateful for being an alcoholic and at first I didn't fully understand what they hell they meant.     Living as an alcoholic ...(I now like to say "recovering alcoholic") ...brings us to living Fully Alive.....the place I wanted to be for a very long time!

Have a great day!

My God really did take my cravings away....but I am always aware because I know the beast is lurking....


P.S.  I'm not counting days anymore.....I'm just done..... My sobriety date will be stamped on the blog and I will celebrate monthly.  

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

I've been to a couple of AA meetings this week and it's funny because I really didn't feel like going to the meetings in the first place....not because I don't think I belong there.....but because I was lazy and it was damn cold outside.  But I went and I am so very grateful that I did.....

What an amazing feeling to be able to spill your guts out to people that totally understand what you're going through!  It's indescribable.   What amazing stories we hear around the tables, stories from all types and all ages.....  The best part is that in each of their stories, I hear something that is directed toward me and my's gotta be an act of God...speaking to me through these people....showing me how to live.... showing me that sobriety is the best thing I can ever do for me....for my kids....

I've heard a couple of people say that they were grateful for being an alcoholic.   What?  Why would people say such a thing?  Why would people be grateful for having a disease and going through recovery and struggles with alcohol?   It's because, when we discover sobriety, we discover life again!  We learn that there is so much to be grateful for.....we live for day at a time.....  We learn to let go of resentments....we learn to forgive ourselves ....we learn to forgive others.....we accept things that we can't control.... we become patient....more ....and honest......We become exactly what God wants us to be.   (God aka Higher Power or Creator)

As I look around at people in todays' society, around the staff room, or in public..... people are so caught up in the world that they forget to be grateful, forgiving, patient, loving, accepting, honest.....  It's hard to stay away from so much negativity.  We are surrounded by it on a daily basis......  It's almost tiring.  It's funny but when I was drinking, I never really noticed how uptight and negative people were.....probably because I was uptight and negative myself.....  I was so cranky and stressed out a lot of the time, wondering how I was going to fit in my next drink when I had hockey or gymnastics....I was much more impatient, anxious, uptight, and crazy when I was drinking, that's for sure.   

But today, things have changed for me.  I've had a little bit of a spiritual awakening.  I feel so happy and calm and so very grateful for my life.  I haven't wanted a drink at all since my last relapse.  I am definitely feeling like I'm done fighting!  I'm also sleeping so well.....OMG!  You all know how much I love my sleep!

I am working on Step 3.  That was the topic of discussion today.  When I spoke I mentioned that I believed in God and that ....but I struggled with this:   How do I know if the decisions I'm making in my life are the ones God wants me to make?  How do I know that I'm living in accordance to His will for me?    I learned that I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I already knew that but I think I needed to hear it again.  I learned that we have to listen to the signs.... God will send us signs to help us in our decision making.  I knew that already too.   I have to stop analyzing everything that is happening around me and just let it be...just let go....whatever happens ...happens.... everything happens for a reason.....

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Today's Daily Reflections talks about loneliness.  Something caught my eye in the read and I thought I'd share it with you.  

Our staff had many parties in the past, almost once a month.  At least 10 - 20 people would attend these parties, until the drunks started getting wild and crazy, including me.  After a few months, staff parties began to occur every few months and included maybe 8-10.  People weren't coming to them anymore and it took me a while to figure out why.......

Last month's party only brought 7 around the table, including me, a drinker.   

The Reflection says:  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured with loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.

The thing that gets me here is that I blamed my Relapse on loneliness.  I thought I was lonely because I wasn't drinking and had no drinking buddies left.  I failed to see that I have a lot of other people in my life that I could call and do things with...  I failed to see that people don't like to be around drunks.  This is what I realized that night ...people don't want to be around me when I'm drunk.    One sober lady was totally disgusted in me because I kept farting loudly....not caring that it was rude and annoying and stinky.  If I was sober, this wouldn't have happened.  I'm embarrassed when I see this person at work now.   

I, myself, was annoyed by my drunk buddy.  She was extremely negative that night..... She's always negative, come to think of it....I'm not sure why I didn't see it before.   I don't like to be around negative people and here I am drinking with my buddy who bashes everyone and everything in sight.  

I'm not alone in this world.  Today, I can actually say that it's the solitude that I enjoy now....  I have 3 beautiful children, 4 beautiful sisters, a mom and a dad and great friends and God.  I just need to surround myself with that on a daily basis!

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."