I've been to a couple of AA meetings this week and it's funny because I really didn't feel like going to the meetings in the first place....not because I don't think I belong there.....but because I was lazy and it was damn cold outside.  But I went and I am so very grateful that I did.....

What an amazing feeling to be able to spill your guts out to people that totally understand what you're going through!  It's indescribable.   What amazing stories we hear around the tables, stories from all types and all ages.....  The best part is that in each of their stories, I hear something that is directed toward me and my life.....it's gotta be an act of God...speaking to me through these people....showing me how to live.... showing me that sobriety is the best thing I can ever do for me....for my kids....

I've heard a couple of people say that they were grateful for being an alcoholic.   What?  Why would people say such a thing?  Why would people be grateful for having a disease and going through recovery and struggles with alcohol?   It's because, when we discover sobriety, we discover life again!  We learn that there is so much to be grateful for.....we live for today...one day at a time.....  We learn to let go of resentments....we learn to forgive ourselves ....we learn to forgive others.....we accept things that we can't control.... we become patient....more loving......open ....and honest......We become exactly what God wants us to be.   (God aka Higher Power or Creator)

As I look around at people in todays' society, around the staff room, or in public..... people are so caught up in the world that they forget to be grateful, forgiving, patient, loving, accepting, honest.....  It's hard to stay away from so much negativity.  We are surrounded by it on a daily basis......  It's almost tiring.  It's funny but when I was drinking, I never really noticed how uptight and negative people were.....probably because I was uptight and negative myself.....  I was so cranky and stressed out a lot of the time, wondering how I was going to fit in my next drink when I had hockey or gymnastics....I was much more impatient, anxious, uptight, and crazy when I was drinking, that's for sure.   

But today, things have changed for me.  I've had a little bit of a spiritual awakening.  I feel so happy and calm and so very grateful for my life.  I haven't wanted a drink at all since my last relapse.  I am definitely feeling like I'm done fighting!  I'm also sleeping so well.....OMG!  You all know how much I love my sleep!

I am working on Step 3.  That was the topic of discussion today.  When I spoke I mentioned that I believed in God and that ....but I struggled with this:   How do I know if the decisions I'm making in my life are the ones God wants me to make?  How do I know that I'm living in accordance to His will for me?    I learned that I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I already knew that but I think I needed to hear it again.  I learned that we have to listen to the signs.... God will send us signs to help us in our decision making.  I knew that already too.   I have to stop analyzing everything that is happening around me and just let it be...just let go....whatever happens ...happens.... everything happens for a reason.....

I sat in my car in front of the church.  My heart pounded and I felt nauseated.  My biggest fear was to walk into the meeting and see someone that I know, or even worse, see a parent of a child that I teach.  I am, realistically, supposed to be a perfect role model.  How can I be a teacher, and a "drunk"?

I waited for about 20 minutes, contemplating going back to my warm snuggly house or walk into an AA meeting and admit to people that I'm an alcoholic.  I've been trying to become sober and human for the past 8 years....  quit drinking, start again, feel like shit, quit drinking, start again, feel like shit......

I made it to 77 days this time around.  November 1st, I picked up a drink, actually a case of beer, and my drinking buddies were soon to be found at my house, getting drunk with me...the friend they lost for a while.  I was happy!  I had a great night!  We laughed and picked up where we left off....  I had my friends again.   They had me again!

I have thought about alcohol for the last 11 days and already I'm exhausted.  I didn't drink in front or around my kids...thank God it didn't get to that....it actually almost did one night.....  but the moment they were off to their daddy's for a couple of days, bammo!  I was drunker than a skunk, with my two drinking buddies.....having a dance party, laughing, stumbling, and just not giving a shit about me.

Why do I want day 1 again.....even though it is very embarrassing to start over?  Because, I haven't had a good night sleep in 2 weeks!   Even last night, found me drinking a 6 pack of tall boys all alone.   Didn't sleep much.   Bags are enormous under these eyes and I'm already bloated all over my body.

I found myself at an AA meeting tonight for a couple of reasons.  I can't do it alone.   Even though I have all you blogging support buddies, having someone drag me to a meeting and tell me it's going to be all right is different.  Secondly, I need to meet people that don't drink.

I decided to get out of my car.....walked up the path to the door and stood there.  I tried to peek in....just to see if I knew anyone...and bammo, this cute little old man was right there.   We had small chat and I told him how terrified I was.   He grabbed my arm and said ...come on....you'll be fine.... and led me down to the basement of the church.  He was so sweet, introduced me to the program and the people.

Then, my worse fears came true.  A step-parent of a child I teach, walked in..... Fuck!  What could I do now....it took me everything not to run off....but then what good would that do.....he would still know I'm a drunk!     Why else would I be in the basement of a church on a Monday night?

The older man kept trying to talk to me and I just wanted to crawl into my chair.   I didn't make too much eye contact with anyone, but I did the readings and spoke when it was my turn....

I said " I'm just tired....  I've been trying to quit drinking for a very long time and keep disappointing myself when I find myself drinking....  "

At that point, I didn't really care what people thought of me....  we were all there for the same reason....to get sober.

I don't think it matters how we seek help.  It just matters that we do it.....

This has to be the end of drinking for me....  One man said...I can't drink anymore!   I think that those should be my words.  I almost hate booze now.  I'm pissed that I have to start over!   I'm pissed that I have to say goodbye to my drunk buddies again.   I'm pissed that I've disappointed people I love, especially me.

The meeting was awesome!  I almost felt exhilarated when I walked out of there...like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.   It's where I belong.  ....  a place where people understand exactly what I'm talking about...exactly what I'm going through.....

I will get to day 100 ....then day 365....  It's my turn....

We fall down, we get up.....right?