I've been to a couple of AA meetings this week and it's funny because I really didn't feel like going to the meetings in the first place....not because I don't think I belong there.....but because I was lazy and it was damn cold outside.  But I went and I am so very grateful that I did.....

What an amazing feeling to be able to spill your guts out to people that totally understand what you're going through!  It's indescribable.   What amazing stories we hear around the tables, stories from all types and all ages.....  The best part is that in each of their stories, I hear something that is directed toward me and my life.....it's gotta be an act of God...speaking to me through these people....showing me how to live.... showing me that sobriety is the best thing I can ever do for me....for my kids....

I've heard a couple of people say that they were grateful for being an alcoholic.   What?  Why would people say such a thing?  Why would people be grateful for having a disease and going through recovery and struggles with alcohol?   It's because, when we discover sobriety, we discover life again!  We learn that there is so much to be grateful for.....we live for today...one day at a time.....  We learn to let go of resentments....we learn to forgive ourselves ....we learn to forgive others.....we accept things that we can't control.... we become patient....more loving......open ....and honest......We become exactly what God wants us to be.   (God aka Higher Power or Creator)

As I look around at people in todays' society, around the staff room, or in public..... people are so caught up in the world that they forget to be grateful, forgiving, patient, loving, accepting, honest.....  It's hard to stay away from so much negativity.  We are surrounded by it on a daily basis......  It's almost tiring.  It's funny but when I was drinking, I never really noticed how uptight and negative people were.....probably because I was uptight and negative myself.....  I was so cranky and stressed out a lot of the time, wondering how I was going to fit in my next drink when I had hockey or gymnastics....I was much more impatient, anxious, uptight, and crazy when I was drinking, that's for sure.   

But today, things have changed for me.  I've had a little bit of a spiritual awakening.  I feel so happy and calm and so very grateful for my life.  I haven't wanted a drink at all since my last relapse.  I am definitely feeling like I'm done fighting!  I'm also sleeping so well.....OMG!  You all know how much I love my sleep!

I am working on Step 3.  That was the topic of discussion today.  When I spoke I mentioned that I believed in God and that ....but I struggled with this:   How do I know if the decisions I'm making in my life are the ones God wants me to make?  How do I know that I'm living in accordance to His will for me?    I learned that I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I already knew that but I think I needed to hear it again.  I learned that we have to listen to the signs.... God will send us signs to help us in our decision making.  I knew that already too.   I have to stop analyzing everything that is happening around me and just let it be...just let go....whatever happens ...happens.... everything happens for a reason.....

Step 3 at my AA meeting ...Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 
I always believed in God and truly believe that everything happens for a reason.    This is a tough step for me because living in accordance to God's Will is very confusing at times.   How do we know when we are doing something selfishly or for God?  How do we let go of wanting the things we want in our lives and allow God to take over?  

I've questioned my Spirituality for many years now.  I've always seem to be lacking it.  I've always wondered how to get more of it.  I've always believed that God's been with me along my journey in life, through my hard times and not.  He sends me messages often.   

I think that when my mind was in a fog, with alcohol, I was too busy to wonder what God wanted me to do that day.   I was so busy and obsessed with drinking that I missed a lot of the special moments God sent my way on a daily basis.... those stolen moments...for example...as I type right now, my son has his hand resting on the back of my neck.... my moment. 

I want to focus on this Step for a few weeks.  I will start my morning, my well rested morning, with the Serenity Prayer.   I will ask God to guide me.   I will let Him take over, take the wheel.   I will concentrate on the special moments in my life and be so grateful for the chance to see them...to feel them.....

  

The Book says we need one thing to focus on Step 3:  Willingness

I can tell you, with all the shit I've been through, including the relapse last week, I'm willing to do anything to stay here, where I am today. sober and free.

From the book:

Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God— or, if you like, a Higher Power—into our lives.