Letter to Dad.

It was a good day. I'm at camp for our last weekend of the summer. Kids are playing with their friends, enjoying a sober mom. My daughter had her doubts about coming here and keeps coming by for hugs and kisses to smell my breath. I can't blame her.  I always drank at camp....actually use to open a cold beer before unloading the car.   Ill gain her trust one day.

Anyhow this post is dedicated to my dad.  Not that he reads my blog but i wrote him this letter today. Last week, when he visited my sisters and i, he got really really drunk ...and loud...and rude...and angry.  He drank a bottle of wine in 20 minutes and after 4 bottles could barely stand up.  Needless to say, it was tough for me to be around him because i was on my day 6 or 7 of sobriety ...I forget.  I barely spoke to him and told my sisters that it was their turn to deal with the crap because I've seen it all my life and I've had enough.   Anyhow I left my sister's fairly early and the next day him and mom got into a fight...he dropped her off at a coffe shop and went back home 4 hours away.   My mom spend the week with my sisters (only one night with me because i didn't want to drink with her anymore) and she's been extremely lost.    You see...I've always gotten involved in their shit.  I've always talked to both, given advice and mended the broken pieces.  This time is different.   I'm done!   I can't fix people's shit anymore when I'm constantly trying to fix my own.  I'm not 30 anymore.  I'm physically and emotionally drained from other people's shit.   So i backed away leaving my parents to mend themselves the way they see fit.  I haven't spoken to my dad since he left so i wrote him this letter tonight:

Hey dad!
I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart!   So much!
I know I may seem distant from you but that's because I'm trying to quit drinking again.  I'm on day 14 today.

You know something?  I've been struggling with alcohol for so many years.  I became obsessed with it the last few months.  I would start drinking at noon to "cure " my hangover because i started drinking at noon the day before. It became a vicious cycle and i got tired of feeling weak and powerless over booze.  I wanted it so bad almost like how a baby wants her mothers nipples to drink!   Wanting!  Screaming and shouting for my drink to release the pressures of my life. Taking the edge off of my bad day at work or with the kids.  I wanted it all the time.  And if i didn't have booze around, i made sure i found ways to get it so that I would have enough to last me until we hours of the night.

This alcohol problem i have is exhausting dad.  I don't want it in my life anymore. I don't want my kids around the drunk mom that was miserable and missing out on many special moments in their lives.
Anyhow, after hitting bottom 5 years ago, going through rehab and suffering on and off with this damn disease, I'm making great efforts to end this shit and break the cycle.
So....that being said do not think for one minute that i don't love and support you.  I will always be there for you daddy!   You are the rock of this family. You are the man in our lives.  You are so strong daddy!
Please be gentle on yourself.  Life is too short to hold on to bullshit.  Live in the moment and listen to the sounds and gifts god sends us everyday!

From your favourite daughter
Jen. Xoxoxoxox


Goodnight my blogging friends!
Day 14!  I sure cant wait to hit the sack on this Friday night!

Day 13- unlucky number?

Wow!  What a day of cravings, cravings and more cravings.

Just when you think you've beat the devil or wolfie, he comes up to bite you in the ass and haunt your every friggen thought!   I

I wanted a drink really really bad.   I actually want a drink for tomorrow and Saturday too.   It's the long weekend.....time for celebration after all!  Summer is over.....blah!

Steps I took, not to have a drink

1.  Reached out....emailed Belle, my sober coach....replied immediately with great advice
2.  Took a nap
3. Woke up
4.  Read a few blogs
5.  Poured myself a refreshing cranberry juice, with fresh blueberries on ice!!
6.  Went out to buy myself a book...reward....  I got "The Pact "by Jodi Picoult  and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

I really want to take time to study the steps in AA .  I have read part of the big book and there are so many things that hit home.

When you think you're free from all the shit, it comes back.  It's fucking exhausting.   Part of me thinks I'll never make it to 100 days or even 10 more if I continue feeling this shitty.  I'm hoping that the 13th day is just an unlucky one!

Goodnight my sober buddies and world!

Day 12

Finally!  A night to myself!   Holy Crap....my life has been nuts!

I managed to keep myself sober throughout the last couple weeks.  I feel amazing.  My friends came over last night with a cooler of beer which pissed me off a lot.  I drank tea but couldn't help but feel a little resentment for the disrespect in my house....  I will definitely send them a letter telling them that it was the last time they bring alcohol in my house.  I want nothing to do with it!  Nothing!   After 7 years of struggling with thinking about quitting, I finally feel empowered to do so!   I feel fantastic...clear headed, and much healthier.   I finally ran a 10 KM today while my friend slept and felt like shit from drinking last night (she had to sleep here because she couldn't drive.).

I am enjoying those stolen moments lately that I somehow would have missed if I was drinking.  My children mean the world to me...and when  my daughter randomly comes over for a big hug, I take the time to hug back and tell her how much I love her.....no more rushing it out of the way....

I've been squeezing in some reading of blog posts.  There are so many common factors between us bloggers....dealing with children...sleepless nights.....cravings......moderation efforts......  I am grateful that we have each other!.....so very grateful.

I completed Belle's class!   It was tremendously amazing to me.   I still listen to the audio recordings of her lessons at night....it's like meditation....her sooting voice and amazing strategies for sobriety puts me to sleep...peaceful.   www.fuckyouwolfie.com

I've decided to create a page called "Stolen Moments" on my blog.  It will begin in the near future.  Now that my brain is more alert and I'm living my life fully alive, I really do feel many more special moments in my life and I am so grateful that God has given me so many gifts.    I am mostly grateful for my sobriety.  Although it is only a short time, I feel a million times better.  I feel freedom that I haven't felt in a very long time.  I am able to see, hear and feel more things around me than I ever have!  I want to have a page for all of us to write about those moments....the ones we could have/would have missed if we were drinking.  

Anyhow, I started a post last week after the concert that my daughter and I went to but I haven't had time to complete it.  I am hoping to work on it tomorrow.

Thanks for your support!
Sober Jen

Want to be Left Alone

I have been sober for 11 days now and surrounded by drinking people for 9 of those.  I just wish people would leave me alone.  My two drinking buddies are coming here for the second time this week, with beer, even after I said I wanted no company and I feel pissed off!  I just want them to leave me the fuck alone!!

They are here

Fuck!

Sober Jen

One Week! Celebration Time!

I am blessed.  I really am!  I am blessed with this new sense of freedom and tranquility I have discovered.   (Tranquility isn't always there, like last night....my heart pounded and I was pissed because my kids didn't want to go to bed....lol) But, I am free from some things I constantly worried about two weeks ago!  I am calmer too.  

August 16th was the day I decided to stop drinking.  As some of you may already know, my daughter has seen her momma at her worst state.  She hates alcohol.  We've had our ups and downs but she will always be my sunshine.  My daughter called me in excitement that night to tell me that she had won a contest!  She entered a video to win 2 tickets to meet and greet Carly Rae Jepson at the Summerfest!  I asked her to send me the video and I am sharing it with you because it's the sweetest thing that could have happened to me on my quit date.

When you wonder if someone is watching over you, something good like this happens.  This video made my decision to quit drinking for the umpteenth time real!

The concert is tonight!  On my one week of sobriety!  What better way to celebrate?   We are going to do our hair and nails, have a dinner date and end our night at a concert.  We even get to meet a superstar!  We are celebrating her winning this contest....but I am the real winner here.  My daughter has her mom back and I have me back!

Day 5...What I've Learned About Myself Today....

What a day!  

I woke up bright and early, ran 7 KMs in the beautiful fresh air, came home and started Belle's Sobriety Class. 

If you don't know Belle yet, please visit her Blog at http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/

Her class can be found at fuckyouwolfie.com

This lady has been an inspiration to me for a very long time.  I know she has inspired many of us!  

Thanks Belle!

I learned a lot about myself today!   

First, I know that I cannot drink in moderation.  I can't just go for one or two.  I definitely know that I cannot drink every other day or just on weekends.  I tried to convince myself a few times in the past that I COULD drink in moderation.   And, i always end up spiralling out of control....at the same low point every single time.   If others can have just one, why couldn't I?  The only answer I could come up with is...." I can't because I'm an alcoholic". For me, this works.   I become totally obsessed with booze, with getting buzzed and living in a fog.  I want and want and want.....like a screaming baby looking for her mom's nipples because she"s thirsty!   Quenching my thirst and numbing my brain and body made it easier to deal with life"s issues.....BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO....

Looking up the definition of alcoholism online we get :

Alcoholism is a chronic and often progressive disease that includes problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems, having to drink more to get the same effect (physical dependence), or having withdrawal symptoms when you rapidly decrease or stop drinking. If you have alcoholism, you can't consistently predict how much you'll drink, how long you'll drink, or what consequences will occur from your drinking.

This is me!  I can't control my drinking, I can't drink one or two.  When I woke up feeling like shit, I would have a beer to "cure" me.  I am always preoccupied with alcohol....and I mean always....hiding booze from my kids... figuring out who I can drink with....  woke up and had coffee and Bailey's all summer, which led to noon and we know what happens at noon.  Alcohol caused so many problems in my life, left me feeling helpless and broken.....felt guilty every single time my daughter looked at me with her googly eyes.  Felt like shit when she asked me not to drink on her birthday, but I did (we had company)  I never knew how much I was going to drink, but I always made sure I had enough stock on my shelves....never, ever would I run out!  That would be sinful!   I could never predict the outcome of some evenings.... how I made it home, or how I got into bed without clothes on, or how I made it to the toilet to puke my guts out.....  Yep!  This definition is me to a tee!

I want to start being known as a recovering alcoholic because I'm tired. ....so tired of the daily struggles of figuring out where and when I will get my next drink, tired of hiding booze and breath, tired of hangovers and sleepless nights, tired of feeling miserable and our of control, tired of gaining weight..just tired!

I've decided to read the big book again.  When I went to rehab 6 years ago, I did the steps but I just did them to make other people happy.  I wasn't into it!  I wasn't ready to quit forever or for even 100 days back then.  I want to redo my steps thoroughly and get involved with AA again. I truly believe in AA and what it stands for.... I believe those twelve steps with help me find my lost spirituality and the sober life that I long for....

Secondly, I learned that I have many reasons to get sober:

-I want my children to have a great mom

-I want to feel alert

-I want to run more marathons

-I want to break the cycle in my family

-I want to save money

-I want to sleep at night

-I want to wake up feeling refreshed (without hanging)

-I want to puke because I have a flu

-I want to feel empowered

-I want my kids to know that they can do anything they put their minds to.....especially if they decide to like booze like I did!

You know something?  My kids came home today!   Things are absolutely wonderful!  I'm not drinking so that makes me calm, cool and collected.    Kids don't need to scream and shout for my attention because I'm all theirs now!  I can remain calm when issues arise and be consistent with consequences!  The house is clean, organized and kids are required to pick up after themselves.  

And lastly, the greatest thing I learned is that by giving my kids their mom back, things just may become somewhat "normal" around here!  

I'm not scared anymore. Heck, it's taken me a long time to figure out that I belong here, with all you bloggers!   With all you sober bloggers, or wanna be sober bloggers!   I wanted it for a long time.  I quit many, many times now......   And I am strongly confident that I want to be sober for a very long time!  It's the only way to live life fully!  One day at a time!

I know I'm only on Day 5 and I have 95 more to go to get to 100....that's only 3 months away!   

Empowerment!   I love that word!

Thank you to my blogging buddies for not giving up on me!  

If you are in the same shoes I was 7 days ago, please know that there are so many people here, waiting to help!  You just gotta reach out!   Realize that you are here for a reason....become empowered!  It feels friggen amazing!

Now, I gotta deal with my two drinking buddies, aka my best friends.  They keep asking me to get together for beers!   I keep making excuses but I can't brush them off forever.   I'm not sure how to tell them.  It will be awkward....because we sure know how to tie one on together!  I'm sure ill figure it out...just not ready to face them yet!  Don't want to disappoint my peeps!

God Bless

Jen

Day 4

I went out to dinner with my sister....yes....that same place and that same sister that I went to dinner with  a couple of weeks ago when I tried to get sober and found myself drinking a large Ceasar!

I had water and a great meal.  I felt empowered.  I told my sister that I was trying to quit because I've been struggling with alcohol for almost 7 years.  I told her I was tired of feeling like shit, tired of running to booze when I 'm stressed or anxious, tired of hiding beer bottles all over the house.

My sister is my best friend....extremely loving and supportive.  She actually told me that she was tired too.   She's been drinking a lot lately and it's catching up to her.

I'm feeling good.  She even noticed that my face isn't as bloated..... and last night I didn't get up once....I woke up to birds chirping this morning!!   That's sobriety and I love it.

Now tomorrow brings a new day and my life becomes chaotic again.  My children come back from their fathers....no more calmness and tranquility in this house......well, maybe there will be a little because there is no alcohol involved anymore.  If I can remain calm during the kids  whininess or fighting or sloppiness...maybe they will be calmer?!   I know I have big time parenting skills to work on...no more hiding the behind the bottle to forget about all the damn noise.....I'm going to hit it dead on!   Lots of love....lots of love.....

Day 3- Life Changes

I decided to make a few life changes last night.

First, I woke up, ran a 5 KM and felt great!

I cleaned up camp and loaded my car.  I put a for sale sign on it!  I had no choices.  Other than needing money, this is a place of drinking for me.  It's not only my get-away from the stresses of my life, but it was my place to hide and drink.  Every single person I know at camp (except one) comes over for a drink or invites me over to drink.  As I cleaned up, I found empty bottles in the craziest places.  I hid my booze from the kids once in a while....

I'm sitting at home, relaxing and enjoying my sobriety, even though it's only been 3 days.

My mom called me this afternoon.  She was feeling no pain.  Told me she was coming for a visit with my dad next weekend.  Yikes.  Gonna be hard to avoid that one.

I was hoping to keep my clean record to myself and my blogging friends for a month at least so that I know I got it under my belt.

I'm reading a Daily Reflections Book (from AA I think) and I am enjoying it.   The latest reflections are telling me to make amends with the people I've hurt, including myself.

Two people I know I need to do this with are my ex-husband and my children.

My ex-husband put up with a lot of drunken nights and nasty wife syndrome.  He often took care of me  when I was drunk and I'm sure picked me up a few times.  He has a lot of resentment toward this.  I know this because he often calls me a drunk, even to this day...  He hated it when I drank and I didn't care.  I blamed my drinking on him and our unhappy marriage for a while.  It's only when we separated, I realized that my drinking was my problem and not his.

My children have seen me drinking and they don't like it at all.  I have been good this year, as in not puking or stumbling.  But, they will never forget the times that I did tumble home or puke in the garbage while they were supposed to be sleeping.  I haven't been the best mom either.  They are wild and out of control lately and I know it's because I haven't been paying attention as much as I should.  I find their attitudes so stressful on my body that I drank to forget about it....forget about their negativity, the fighting, whining, wanting stuff.... I want them to forgive me and know that I'm doing the best I can.  I need to be a better mom!

It's a start.  I may contact an old sponsor I had....about 6 years ago when I went to rehab.  I'd like to know how she's doing and see if she could hook me up with someone to be my sponsor and support person.

Thank you to all my blogging buddies for your kind messages of support.  It means so much to me!

If anyone is thinking about quitting, I'm only 3 days ahead of you!!  I honestly feel super great today.  One day at a time.  I would love to have a partner!

2nd Day was rough...

Day 2 again...

I survived day 2.  I honestly don't know if i will make it far.  I had some very weak moments and felt like crying a lot today!

I ran 6 KM when I got up.  Got rid of booze...just put it in my car....out of site for now. ...cleaned up...changed furniture around....and read....

I read a couple of passages from an old journal today dated back to January 2007.  I can't believe that I've been trying to break this cycle for over 6 years now!   The journal entries were written to my daughter.  I was aiming to quit for her back then.  Part of me still wants to quit for her but I need this....I need sobriety sooooo bad!

I just want a sense of freedom and strength!

I know I will need help in this.  I don't have a lot of friends or many family members which all makes me feel so lonely.  

I will look up AA meetings when I return home from camp.  I want to stop fighting. I want to stop wanting.  I want to be healthy!

New Beginnings

Aug 16

This is the first day of my new life...or at least I'm going to try again ...

When I quit smoking 12 years ago, I tried at least 6 times before I succeeded   

I won't quit quitting.  I know how great and free I could feel without intoxicating my one and only body!

It's Friday night here at camp...fires are going....beer is being handed out... 

I'm laying on the couch, listening to the outside world going on without me and I'm at peace with that. I will wake up feeling refreshed and amazing and will hit the road for a nice jog!  That's something to look forward to...

I'm also watching Season 1 of Cougar Town with Courtney Cox!  Hilarious.  

I brought 3 past journals of mine and my AA book to read this weekend.  Time for me to do some soul searching...again... 

Detox part2!...

I didn't finish my last post because my daughter walked in.  She asked me why I was having a beer and if I was going to stop.   I told her I was going to try really hard.  .... We talked a little about addiction...like cigarettes....and drugs and sometimes booze is addicting  too....

She asked me how I was going to stop.  I said "I've been blogging honey....."

She can't seem to understand why I'd blog and tell the whole world about my problem.  I told her that it wasn't the whole world...just important people that have been through what I have been through.  I also told her that if she ever felt trapped in addiction I wanted her to hear my story and reach out for help if she needed it.

Does anybody know what could help me detox my body?  It is disgusting....

Did anybody  out there try to isolate themselves for a few days?  What if I read my AA book, sleep, and watch TV for 4'nights...no one around....just me and my fucked up thoughts.  Nobody would know....nobody would know that I was fighting to live!

Detox?

I know what I got to do!   I'm dropping kids off at their dad's tomorrow  

I want to detox!  I will be alone at camp for the first time in two months.  I have two options.  I want option 1.

I have 4 nights alone!   Could I do it?   Is this my time to get my shit together?   I do want to break the cycle of dysfunction! I want my life and my kids' lives to be normal!

I want to buy a TV series or something and hide.  Hide away from this crazy world.  I want to get sober soooooooo bad!

I'm tired.  Sooooo tired.

Tomorrow. August 16th!

Hot Summer Day!

Nothing beats a hot summer day like cold beer.  I love the feeling if beer going down my throat and into my esophagus!  It's friggen refreshing man!    How do you get away from something so soothing and relaxing.

Almost feels like a baby crying for her mother's breast...desperate....hungry....longing for some soothing and milk.... Waiting to quench her thirst.....

I'm a baby...wanting....never satisfied ...  

My mom once told me I was a mistake.  She didn't love me when she gave birth to me at 16.  She had to be there for my dad....who was at the bars ....drunk.

Leave baby me at home....pick up drunk dad....resent baby....

Split Personality!

I honestly feel like I have a split personality.

One is focused on health and running. She doesn't want to drink!

The other doesn't care about nothing else but gulping down a drink to get the buzz she's been waiting for all day!

They hate each other.  The two personalities are always arguing with each other, convincing each other to take the lead in my life.

I ran 5 KM two days in a row. I also had a drink or two or more at the end of the day (even though I didn't want to) which is really fucked up.

I'm mad that I am powerless over booze man.  Very mad.  My boyfriend broke up with me, my ex is on my ass, my kids are driving me nuts....so I drink to calm the nerves.  I don't get drunk but I have a few to numb the feelings of sadness and frustrations. It just seems like the easy way out.

One thing I do know is that I'm tired of struggling ....tired of not sleeping...tired of gaining weight....tired of thinking about alcohol...

I'm sober tonight...was asked to go to a camp fire but said I was tired.  I did have a beer today though. I just know that I want to wake up in the morning and do another 5 KM!  

I want to run in more marathons.  I want to feel great again.  I just want to be normal!

I want personality number 1 to be in control!