I decided to make a few life changes last night.
First, I woke up, ran a 5 KM and felt great!
I cleaned up camp and loaded my car. I put a for sale sign on it! I had no choices. Other than needing money, this is a place of drinking for me. It's not only my get-away from the stresses of my life, but it was my place to hide and drink. Every single person I know at camp (except one) comes over for a drink or invites me over to drink. As I cleaned up, I found empty bottles in the craziest places. I hid my booze from the kids once in a while....
I'm sitting at home, relaxing and enjoying my sobriety, even though it's only been 3 days.
My mom called me this afternoon. She was feeling no pain. Told me she was coming for a visit with my dad next weekend. Yikes. Gonna be hard to avoid that one.
I was hoping to keep my clean record to myself and my blogging friends for a month at least so that I know I got it under my belt.
I'm reading a Daily Reflections Book (from AA I think) and I am enjoying it. The latest reflections are telling me to make amends with the people I've hurt, including myself.
Two people I know I need to do this with are my ex-husband and my children.
My ex-husband put up with a lot of drunken nights and nasty wife syndrome. He often took care of me when I was drunk and I'm sure picked me up a few times. He has a lot of resentment toward this. I know this because he often calls me a drunk, even to this day... He hated it when I drank and I didn't care. I blamed my drinking on him and our unhappy marriage for a while. It's only when we separated, I realized that my drinking was my problem and not his.
My children have seen me drinking and they don't like it at all. I have been good this year, as in not puking or stumbling. But, they will never forget the times that I did tumble home or puke in the garbage while they were supposed to be sleeping. I haven't been the best mom either. They are wild and out of control lately and I know it's because I haven't been paying attention as much as I should. I find their attitudes so stressful on my body that I drank to forget about it....forget about their negativity, the fighting, whining, wanting stuff.... I want them to forgive me and know that I'm doing the best I can. I need to be a better mom!
It's a start. I may contact an old sponsor I had....about 6 years ago when I went to rehab. I'd like to know how she's doing and see if she could hook me up with someone to be my sponsor and support person.
Thank you to all my blogging buddies for your kind messages of support. It means so much to me!
If anyone is thinking about quitting, I'm only 3 days ahead of you!! I honestly feel super great today. One day at a time. I would love to have a partner!
Have you thought about joining Belle's challenge? Or doing her coaching series? If you reached out I'm sure she'd help. She's having great success so obviously she's doing something right.
ReplyDeleteThese are are such wonderful plans! You're doing such a great job. Just keep doing what you're doing.
But remember, your children are only a reflection of you. Treat them as a mirror. When you see or experience behavior in them that you don't like, look at the woman in the mirror.
And keep writing!!!!
Sherry
I love your support Sherry! I just signed up for Belle's coaching series! She's amazing! I am very excited!
ReplyDeleteI hear what you say about the kids being a reflection of me! They are the exact spitting image! The worst part is I don't like it! Which probably means I was loud and annoying to many people in the past. How do we change these learnt behaviours when we are making such dramatic changes in our lives. I mean now that I'm calm and relaxed and living without alcohol, how do I re-train my kids to be "normal"? I know it will take a lot of work!! I mean a lot!! I'm ready to deal with the consequences of my actions!
Hugs!
Hey Jen! Great post. I am early in my recovery too....90 days today. It's a struggle. I hear you on the about the kids. My kids have seen way to much. I have passed out and had them shaking me in so much fear that I had died. My daughter used to crawl in bed with me to make sure I was okay throughout the night. I pray to God these kids forgive me and turn out okay. I used to drink right before the came home from school. It has been a little stressful this year. They started school a week ago and my body sounds an alarm at 3 PM. UGH!!!! I just want to crawl out of my own skin.
ReplyDeleteI would love to be your partner in crime! Seems like we have a lot in common.
Can't wait to read more from you!
Kristin