Letter to Dad.

It was a good day. I'm at camp for our last weekend of the summer. Kids are playing with their friends, enjoying a sober mom. My daughter had her doubts about coming here and keeps coming by for hugs and kisses to smell my breath. I can't blame her.  I always drank at camp....actually use to open a cold beer before unloading the car.   Ill gain her trust one day.

Anyhow this post is dedicated to my dad.  Not that he reads my blog but i wrote him this letter today. Last week, when he visited my sisters and i, he got really really drunk ...and loud...and rude...and angry.  He drank a bottle of wine in 20 minutes and after 4 bottles could barely stand up.  Needless to say, it was tough for me to be around him because i was on my day 6 or 7 of sobriety ...I forget.  I barely spoke to him and told my sisters that it was their turn to deal with the crap because I've seen it all my life and I've had enough.   Anyhow I left my sister's fairly early and the next day him and mom got into a fight...he dropped her off at a coffe shop and went back home 4 hours away.   My mom spend the week with my sisters (only one night with me because i didn't want to drink with her anymore) and she's been extremely lost.    You see...I've always gotten involved in their shit.  I've always talked to both, given advice and mended the broken pieces.  This time is different.   I'm done!   I can't fix people's shit anymore when I'm constantly trying to fix my own.  I'm not 30 anymore.  I'm physically and emotionally drained from other people's shit.   So i backed away leaving my parents to mend themselves the way they see fit.  I haven't spoken to my dad since he left so i wrote him this letter tonight:

Hey dad!
I just want you to know that I love you with all my heart!   So much!
I know I may seem distant from you but that's because I'm trying to quit drinking again.  I'm on day 14 today.

You know something?  I've been struggling with alcohol for so many years.  I became obsessed with it the last few months.  I would start drinking at noon to "cure " my hangover because i started drinking at noon the day before. It became a vicious cycle and i got tired of feeling weak and powerless over booze.  I wanted it so bad almost like how a baby wants her mothers nipples to drink!   Wanting!  Screaming and shouting for my drink to release the pressures of my life. Taking the edge off of my bad day at work or with the kids.  I wanted it all the time.  And if i didn't have booze around, i made sure i found ways to get it so that I would have enough to last me until we hours of the night.

This alcohol problem i have is exhausting dad.  I don't want it in my life anymore. I don't want my kids around the drunk mom that was miserable and missing out on many special moments in their lives.
Anyhow, after hitting bottom 5 years ago, going through rehab and suffering on and off with this damn disease, I'm making great efforts to end this shit and break the cycle.
So....that being said do not think for one minute that i don't love and support you.  I will always be there for you daddy!   You are the rock of this family. You are the man in our lives.  You are so strong daddy!
Please be gentle on yourself.  Life is too short to hold on to bullshit.  Live in the moment and listen to the sounds and gifts god sends us everyday!

From your favourite daughter
Jen. Xoxoxoxox


Goodnight my blogging friends!
Day 14!  I sure cant wait to hit the sack on this Friday night!