I honestly feel like I have a split personality.
One is focused on health and running. She doesn't want to drink!
The other doesn't care about nothing else but gulping down a drink to get the buzz she's been waiting for all day!
They hate each other. The two personalities are always arguing with each other, convincing each other to take the lead in my life.
I ran 5 KM two days in a row. I also had a drink or two or more at the end of the day (even though I didn't want to) which is really fucked up.
I'm mad that I am powerless over booze man. Very mad. My boyfriend broke up with me, my ex is on my ass, my kids are driving me nuts....so I drink to calm the nerves. I don't get drunk but I have a few to numb the feelings of sadness and frustrations. It just seems like the easy way out.
One thing I do know is that I'm tired of struggling ....tired of not sleeping...tired of gaining weight....tired of thinking about alcohol...
I'm sober tonight...was asked to go to a camp fire but said I was tired. I did have a beer today though. I just know that I want to wake up in the morning and do another 5 KM!
I want to run in more marathons. I want to feel great again. I just want to be normal!
I want personality number 1 to be in control!
I could have written your post plus add that I have started smoking again on top of it. I am running a half marathon on Oct 6 and I am running all the time, coming home smoking and then drinking one or two or three every night. I am trying to be gentle with myself, I really dont have any advice, I just wanted to tell you I feel exactly the same way you do. The kids, work, life I just enjoy taking the edge off. Also the summer and all my friends and neighbors drinking, how can I say no to a bottle of wine with my girls??? I my set a date, possibly next week and then have the excuse of running the half as to why I am not drinking. Just wanted to say dont beat yourself up, maybe we just need to care for ourselves more. Have a great day :)
ReplyDeleteHi there, I am not sure if running alone can keep you sober, in fact maybe it gives you more of a permission to drink, like I ran a 5k therefore I deserve a drink. I don’t know, my thoughts only. My first year of sobriety, all I could do is focus on staying sober - that alone took a tremendous effort! Because once you take the alcohol away, there is all the crap, crap that we need to deal with in order to stay sober. And for many of us it takes a few attempts, some more than others – like me, it took me many attempts. I sure would not recommend that to anyone, things just kept getting worse unfortunately, and I have never heard anyone say that they ever get better! Anyway, be easy with yourself and keep trying. I promise, your life will be way better without it! Don’t give up before the miracle happens! Hugs - Maggie
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