Day 5...What I've Learned About Myself Today....

What a day!  

I woke up bright and early, ran 7 KMs in the beautiful fresh air, came home and started Belle's Sobriety Class. 

If you don't know Belle yet, please visit her Blog at http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/

Her class can be found at fuckyouwolfie.com

This lady has been an inspiration to me for a very long time.  I know she has inspired many of us!  

Thanks Belle!

I learned a lot about myself today!   

First, I know that I cannot drink in moderation.  I can't just go for one or two.  I definitely know that I cannot drink every other day or just on weekends.  I tried to convince myself a few times in the past that I COULD drink in moderation.   And, i always end up spiralling out of control....at the same low point every single time.   If others can have just one, why couldn't I?  The only answer I could come up with is...." I can't because I'm an alcoholic". For me, this works.   I become totally obsessed with booze, with getting buzzed and living in a fog.  I want and want and want.....like a screaming baby looking for her mom's nipples because she"s thirsty!   Quenching my thirst and numbing my brain and body made it easier to deal with life"s issues.....BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE TO....

Looking up the definition of alcoholism online we get :

Alcoholism is a chronic and often progressive disease that includes problems controlling your drinking, being preoccupied with alcohol, continuing to use alcohol even when it causes problems, having to drink more to get the same effect (physical dependence), or having withdrawal symptoms when you rapidly decrease or stop drinking. If you have alcoholism, you can't consistently predict how much you'll drink, how long you'll drink, or what consequences will occur from your drinking.

This is me!  I can't control my drinking, I can't drink one or two.  When I woke up feeling like shit, I would have a beer to "cure" me.  I am always preoccupied with alcohol....and I mean always....hiding booze from my kids... figuring out who I can drink with....  woke up and had coffee and Bailey's all summer, which led to noon and we know what happens at noon.  Alcohol caused so many problems in my life, left me feeling helpless and broken.....felt guilty every single time my daughter looked at me with her googly eyes.  Felt like shit when she asked me not to drink on her birthday, but I did (we had company)  I never knew how much I was going to drink, but I always made sure I had enough stock on my shelves....never, ever would I run out!  That would be sinful!   I could never predict the outcome of some evenings.... how I made it home, or how I got into bed without clothes on, or how I made it to the toilet to puke my guts out.....  Yep!  This definition is me to a tee!

I want to start being known as a recovering alcoholic because I'm tired. ....so tired of the daily struggles of figuring out where and when I will get my next drink, tired of hiding booze and breath, tired of hangovers and sleepless nights, tired of feeling miserable and our of control, tired of gaining weight..just tired!

I've decided to read the big book again.  When I went to rehab 6 years ago, I did the steps but I just did them to make other people happy.  I wasn't into it!  I wasn't ready to quit forever or for even 100 days back then.  I want to redo my steps thoroughly and get involved with AA again. I truly believe in AA and what it stands for.... I believe those twelve steps with help me find my lost spirituality and the sober life that I long for....

Secondly, I learned that I have many reasons to get sober:

-I want my children to have a great mom

-I want to feel alert

-I want to run more marathons

-I want to break the cycle in my family

-I want to save money

-I want to sleep at night

-I want to wake up feeling refreshed (without hanging)

-I want to puke because I have a flu

-I want to feel empowered

-I want my kids to know that they can do anything they put their minds to.....especially if they decide to like booze like I did!

You know something?  My kids came home today!   Things are absolutely wonderful!  I'm not drinking so that makes me calm, cool and collected.    Kids don't need to scream and shout for my attention because I'm all theirs now!  I can remain calm when issues arise and be consistent with consequences!  The house is clean, organized and kids are required to pick up after themselves.  

And lastly, the greatest thing I learned is that by giving my kids their mom back, things just may become somewhat "normal" around here!  

I'm not scared anymore. Heck, it's taken me a long time to figure out that I belong here, with all you bloggers!   With all you sober bloggers, or wanna be sober bloggers!   I wanted it for a long time.  I quit many, many times now......   And I am strongly confident that I want to be sober for a very long time!  It's the only way to live life fully!  One day at a time!

I know I'm only on Day 5 and I have 95 more to go to get to 100....that's only 3 months away!   

Empowerment!   I love that word!

Thank you to my blogging buddies for not giving up on me!  

If you are in the same shoes I was 7 days ago, please know that there are so many people here, waiting to help!  You just gotta reach out!   Realize that you are here for a reason....become empowered!  It feels friggen amazing!

Now, I gotta deal with my two drinking buddies, aka my best friends.  They keep asking me to get together for beers!   I keep making excuses but I can't brush them off forever.   I'm not sure how to tell them.  It will be awkward....because we sure know how to tie one on together!  I'm sure ill figure it out...just not ready to face them yet!  Don't want to disappoint my peeps!

God Bless

Jen