I'm not really sure where to start this post.   First off, thanks for all your messages.  I didn't take anything personally.... i'm just blah.....  

I took tomorrow off...mental health day....i'll call it.   

I went to the funeral this afternoon.  It was tough.  The hardest part for me was the fact that it was at the Legion (an old man's bar).   People were having a Carling in honour of Johny Boy......   I wanted a Carling in his honour.  I had a total melt down and walked out.....  

Part of me doesn't really give a shit about this sobriety thing anyway.  Part of me is saying why the fuck am I struggling and working so hard at being sober when I don't have to be.  Part of me is saying I should be able to control it now that I've gone through all this shit.   Part of me is saying it's all for nothing...   we all die eventually....   I want to die happily.    Do I want to spend the rest of my life without an ounce of booze?   The big question is ....was I happier when I was drinking or am I happier being sober?   I can't answer that today.

I don't feel happy.... that's a fact.  I can't be getting the winter blues already...there's no snow yet....

Whether we drink or not, we are going to have to deal with the stressors that are inevitable so what is the difference?

So what am I left with.... a shitty blah feeling.


I watched the youtube movie from my last post last night.  I wasn't as bad as him...as in drinking that much.  It was such a sad story....but I'll never let myself get that bad.

Why didn't I drink in the past two days?  I guess I'm afraid to disappoint people who know and understand what I'm going through.  I'm afraid to disappoint my daughter mostly.   I don't want to lose sleep either.   And, I have to believe that God is watching over me and guiding me to where I'm supposed to be....(otherwise, that liquor store would have been opened last night)

My son Facetimes me from his dad's house.  I was sober tonight and grateful for that..... if I wasn't sober, I wouldn't have answered his call ...then would have missed this beautiful moment.

God Bless.

Struggle

I haven't had a drink yet and I'm not even sure how many days I've been sober, but I don't think I'm going to make it.

I've had the worst week ever!  I'm obsessed with wanting a glass of red wine.  I'm obsessed with thinking I could just drink occasionally with my buddies.  I'm so tired of being tired and thinking of it.   Why do I obsess over this and not others who drink, probably more than me?  Fuck!  It's not fair.

Blah, blah, blah.  I know all the shit I've said for the last couple of "sober" months but the fact is....I'm not happy.  I'm lonely as shit.  I have absolutely no one in my life besides my kids and it's fucking boring, especially when they are gone to their dad's for 4 days.   

I used to drink beer with an older couple at camp.....not as much last year because the man was sick and I was trying to quit drinking.  His name is John.  John died Sunday....and I'm attending the funeral tomorrow.   I don't do well at funerals.  Anyhow, John would come by my camp often this year, inviting me up for beers by his fire.  I didn't go once, because I was in my quit drinking phase.  He died.   That sucks man.  He was the sweetest little old man....always happy, always welcoming, always making people laugh.   I should have went to see him more often.  He was sick and I think I should have made more of an effort to visit him.  Even if I would have drank beer with him....it would have been worth spending time with him.   

Like now, I sit here alone every single night.  Nobody doesn't drink.   I can't just spend the rest of my time, rotting away in this home ....alone.   I want to go out and mingle and be surrounded by happy people.   Does it really matter if booze comes into play?   Fuck.  We only live once.   Seriously!

I did go to the liquor store tonight at 7:15 PM.  It was closed.   How fucking ironic.  So, yeah, I'm miraculously sober.   

The craving and wanting the wine is stronger than wanting to be sober forever.  It's so powerful right now.   I don't know where I will be tomorrow at this time.    

I'm sorry Lynn and I'm sorry my blogging buddies.   Peace be with you who have been sober for longer than me or who are just starting out.   

This is what I will watch as I go to bed.  Maybe it will help me see things in a different light.  I'm just in such a bad place right now.

Moving Forward....

Time to be Grateful

You know, with all the shit going on in my life, I'm so so grateful to be 70 days sober!!  If I wasn't sober, I think I would be a wreck.....

I know this because the last time I went through some of the same crap, I was drinking and I was a stress bucket.

Being sober gives me a different perspective on the bullshit.   I've come to terms with the fact that we can't control other people.   Being sober has given me a great opportunity to see things a lot more clearly.   I'm not foggy anymore.  I'm more aware now of how much people impact our lives....how they impact our decisions....how they impact our stress levels.   And....with all the shit....I'm still calmer and more serene then I've ever been!   That's why I'm so grateful!  I can see clearly....

People don't piss me off as much....I can just walk away....I can not answer the phone....I can avoid.....I can stand tall and say no......   I don't take shit....I don't hide behind the bottle and let them bring me down....

I'm grateful.   Sobriety fucking rocks once you have it by the balls!!!!!!!!    I wish anyone who is where I was 71 days ago would jump in!   Because it feels good!


I met my drunk buddies for wings and tea (for me) last night.  We had some great laughs and they asked me if I was ever going to drink again.  I said " I don't want to".  I told them how calm my life has been, even though I'm going through my nasty divorce.   I told them how more able I am to cope is....  I told them, I felt fantastic......   They seemed fine...we laughed....it was nice.  We promised to meet after work once a month and I'm totally comfortable with it....I didn't flinch upon the fact that one had a beer....I didn't even want one....I didn't even think about wanting one!  That was the best part!

I had my first sober dinner party at my house.... My sisters and their kids came over for thanksgiving dinner.  It was great!  We laughed....  Had tea....  Enjoyed the kids....

I'm slowly coming back into the world as a sober gal.   I needed some Me time and it was fantastic to discover who I am without the booze....  I'm ready for people now....

I'm grateful for being sober for 70 days for the first time since I was a teenager!

I am empowered!   You are empowered!

Letter to my buddy....

I hear your questions and concerns!   

I've always wondered why I just can't be a "normal" drinker or why it bothers me so much when I did drink everyday.   Some people drink way more than me and they are considered normal or it doesn't bother them at all....   Why am I different?   

I'm different because I'm aware of what the effects of the overuse of alcohol has done to my mind, body and soul.... (Includes sleepless nights)

I'm different because I'm not the type of drinker that can only have one or even two glasses of red wine....and feel satisfied.....  I need the whole bottle and maybe another ......I drink till it's all gone....

I'm different because I think about booze all day long.....wanting the liquid to enter my body to soothe it...like an obsession....

I'm different because I am a different person when I drink.  I become someone that I've gotten to know in the last two months of sobriety......I become loud, annoying, the party animal that everyone loves and wants around to mask what they are dealing with....

I'm different because I don't want to drink everyday and found myself drinking on a daily basis anyway......alone most of the time.....

People who drink in moderation have one or two and that's it....they know their limits and stay within them.    They don't obsess with booze like I did.....they don't sit at the clock and wait till 3pm to get home to pour their glass of booze..... They don't drink alone ...they are the ones that say "wow, she drank a lot last night....doesn't she know her limits?"  They don't need to drink the whole bottle.  They don't rely on an excess amount of alcohol to unwind or calm their nerves....

Everyone has their own reasons to drink.....whether they have a problem or not, it doesn't really matter.   

I'm here today, with you because we are tired of the same old cycle.   We are admitting that we don't like the way we feel about how or why we drink.    

You wrote:  if we drink alcoholic beverages, what is the point if we have no investment in a desire for its effect, even though alcoholic drinks and their entire being, is founded in getting us intoxicated to a point.   Do they sense a light relax and then head off?   

Yes!  

That's the difference between a "normal" drinker and me......   They only need one or two to get the feeling they are looking for ....they're not looking to get drunk and they know when they've gotten their little buzz on , and they don't pass their max....they know when to stop......  I want it to last forever!.  I don't want the buzz to leave and I don't even realize when I'm buzzed, or how buzzed I am until I'm way in over my head.......so I choose to drink till it's all gone.....or till I'm ready for bed or ready to pass out....  

Moderation. 

Noun

1.  The quality of being moderate, restraint, avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance

I'm not a moderate drinker, I can't restrain from it and I don't avoid excess use of alcohol on a good day.....

How are you today?

Happy Friggen Friday!!! 

Eating junk food, hanging with kids.....they are having sleepovers here!!    ARGH!!

I'm good

I'm better than I was this morning.  Craving has passed.  I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it more than 20 times I think.... 
I last a few days, then bam!   Before I know it, I'm drinking everyday by myself, hiding booze from people I love, getting hungover,  feeling guilty and shity......

I'm hanging with my angels....I'm happy being a sober mom tonight....

Hugs
Jen

Red Wine!

Fuck!  I can't get the vision out of my head!  Just one glass of sparkling red wine would be so friggen amazing..... to me.

I should be able to drink red wine in moderation.  I miss it ....

Sorry....negative post....had to let it out.....

What Clicked?

I have a couple of sober pen pals and I enjoy having them in my life.  Without them, I don't know where I'd be.....    

I actually wonder if I would be drinking today if it wasn't for someone reaching out to me, telling me that my blog has helped them so much. ....  




I always believed that I have a purpose in life.  And, if I can help one person get sober, with my past experiences of trying to get there, then I've served my purpose!  Jen







It's not just about getting sober....it's about finding the thing inside of us that yearns for some clarity and freedom from the bottle.  It's about being at peace within ourselves and living life to the fullest.   It's about getting full night sleeps, getting healthy, being good moms and dads, saving money and being in total control of ourselves 24 hours a day.   It's about showing our children that they can fight any addiction or problem that comes their way!

My sober buddies and this blog are what has kept me sober for 60 days!!    I made it to 60 Days!!

One lady asked me "What clicked?'   A lot of things came together for me at once.   I read a book at camp this summer called "Drunk Mom" by Jowita Bydlowska  http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15799161-drunk-mom   The author describes in detail how she hits rock bottom and something just clicks for her.  

I think for me, it was just "the wanting" that changed dramatically.   If you read my post from around 62 days ago Wanting... or Same ole Drunk, I went from wanting booze to wanting to feel alive again.  

I was running along the country road at camp, listening to my music and the song "Good Feeling" came on.    I loved the feeling I got when I ran, and I knew that the drinking part of my life slowed me down drastically.  I was born to run.  I have the legs, strength, health and body to do it.   When I'm running, I get a euphoric feeling that I'm searching for...the one I often got when I was drinking.   I truly believe that this setting was the moment that "something clicked".  This was when I decided that I've had enough of wanting something that didn't make me feel good about myself or as the person that I wanted to be.   I also wanted sobriety for so many other reasons as well but mainly because I was tired of the fighting with my inner voice, tired of the guilt, tired of disappointing my kids, tired of spending money, tired of the lack of sleep.  I love sleep!

 

Listen to the song......the good feeling comes when something clicks and you grab the world by the friggen balls because you are soooooo done fighting with your head!!  It's freedom!

and it does get easier.....

take it from someone who has tried to quit for seven years!!

this is my longest sober time!!

Yay

Hugs

Jen  

Day 60!

Visit my new blog.  I'm going to talk about my addiction with food....and my training for a full marathon (it's on my bucket list)  I'm not going to chat about my alcohol issues there because I have friends from work and home that will be visiting that one....   Thank you so much for all your support during my journey.  Jen's Quest for a Healthy Lifestyle

I know I'm not recovered in any way....I'm always on the lookout for ....ya know....all the bullshit that comes along with trying to get sober....  

I Got Sober Because...

I read a post last night on a dear friend of mine's blog.....   She wrote her reasons for quitting drinking and I couldn't have written it better myself.   It was a great reminder of why I'm here, sober on Day 59!!!

Here is the link.  It's a must read:   http://ohfortheloveofme.blogspot.ca/2013/10/i-got-sober-because.html

I will admit that the biggest reason out of all those was my sleep!!  Boy oh boy, did I ever spend countless amounts of restless nights, tossing and turning and tossing and turning and waking up to get Tylenol or Advil and water....so that I wouldn't be as hungover the next morning when I had to go into work.    I hated not getting my rest!   It pissed me off so much, how can someone live off minimum amount of sleep....   And of course, my alcoholic mind tried to convince myself that I had Insomnia.   I researched Insomnia and tried to cure my sleeplessness with some of their suggestions.   Needless to say, nothing worked.   Nothing worked until I stopped drinking!    Now, my sleeps are deep.  I do wake up to pee once in a while ( I am over 40 ya know) but I fall immediately fall asleep instead of tossing and turning.

In the past couple of weeks, I have thought of drinking ....a lot..... but I always think back to the way I felt two months ago.....spiralling out of control....just lost....and wanting more booze on a daily basis.....not sleeping....disappointing my kids....feeling the guilty.....feeling shitty everyday.   

That's why I haven't picked up again!

Hugs 

Jen
Day friggen 59!!

Our Mind is Messy, Isn't It?

It's funny how our mind's play with us.  

I woke up feeling ready for my three day fast.  It's a cleanse where I'm supposed to enjoy the quiet and stillness of the mind.  

It's also Thanksgiving Weekend.  How often did I think today....  Fuck It ....I'm never going to quit drinking forever..... I'm just going to hang with some buddies and drink and laugh and be merry....and not be alone....just like the rest of the world!

I cried.

I cried because I feel like I'm missing out on having fun with people.  I'm lonely.  Who the hell stays alone on Thanksgiving weekend to fast for 3 days and not drink!  I miss my kids too.   They should be with me and not that friggen asshole that thinks the world revolves around him. ... oops...

Then, something happened to me....

I heard the sound of a Blue Jay.  Now, these birds are extremely, extremely spiritual to me.  If you read my old blog, I should have a post telling you why....it was a story about when I hit rock bottom and these 3 Bluejays landed on my deck....kinda like my 3 kids telling me....you'll be okay mommy....  I will try to find the post and link it here somehow.    Anyhow, I stood up from the sofa and low and behold, the bird was in my front yard, creating his beautiful sounds.  Now if that wasn't God talking to me.....

I got off the couch and realized that I'm good.  I'm really good actually.  I love my body, soul and mind too much to give in to indulging into alcohol like I use to....

I put in a nice long run today....10KM ...and at one point I thought I was floating on water.  I looked over at my shadow and felt a presence running with me.   It was one of the most amazing run I have ever had.

If you'd like to read my journey on my 3 Days to Vitality Cleanse, click on this link....http://3days2vitality.blogspot.ca

Enjoy your evening!
Jen
Day 58

It's Been a Helluva Friday!!

I got to work today and my old drunk buddies came to see me to talk about how much fun they had at the staff get together last night....  I could smell the booze coming out of their pores.  I've never really smelled booze on people "the day after".   I was told that I smelled aweful a few times....but I always thought people were shitting me.

Anyhow,  they were both beyond hungover....even had to leave to "get sick" a couple of times.  

I don't miss that.   Did I miss the social part of it?  Yes ...very much so.....I miss my buds.  I miss the laughing, letting loose, friendships that I had before.   But I don't really miss the " people talking about how much I drank the night before " part.   One guy couldn't believe how much they drank and had a very tough time understanding why they couldn't pace themselves....  I didn't respond.


I wanted to say:   When people have a problem with alcohol, they CAN'T pace themselves.  They can't just have one or two and be okay with that.   They want more....they want to forget more.....they want to numb the bullshit and not worry for one damn evening about all the problems and stress in their lives.  I wanted to say that he would never be able to understand why because he doesn't have a problem with alcohol   He could have it or leave it....as they say....

Anyhow I watched them suffer all day....and laughed....(sorry, but it was funny because I could have been there if I'd have listened to Wolfie!)

My old drinking buddy begged me to go on a road trip with her so that I wouldn't be alone for Thanksgiving Weekend.

Yes, I'm totally alone.   My kids went to their daddy's which makes me feel very sad.


Here are my options:

a)  Visit my mom and dad about 4  hours away...They are heavy drinkers and cannot go one day without booze.   I'm just not ready to be there right now.  

b)  Go on a road trip to Toronto with my old drinking buddy who yes....loves to drink and party....she was one of the hungover girls today.

c)  Drink with my parents and sisters and have a wild friggen weekend of not thinking and dealing with my stressors

d)  Drink with my drinking buddy all weekend and forget about everyone and all the loneliness I feel.

e)  Drink alone all weekend and have friends come over to drink with me.....get some shit done around here that's been in the works

f)  Follow a Three Days to Vitality Cleanse.  


I choose f!   I have a food addiction!  I have been struggling for a while with food, eating emotionally and probably eating to fill my alcohol void.  I want that to stop.  I've tried a variety of "diets" or new ways of living and I am weak!!  I love food too much.

Last week I was looking through some ebooks I could download and I came across this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Days-Vitality-Cleanse-Clear-Spirit/dp/0060928867







I haven't had time to read through the whole book yet, however, I'm convinced that this is exactly what I need this weekend.  I want a fresh start!  I want to feel more alive, more spiritual, more complete, more content, and more in control of my life.

The book talks about cleaning the internal state of well-being with emotional, physical, and spiritual systems that work together and support each other.  

I went out to buy the food that I needed for this fast.  I am completely committing myself to this...   When will I ever have three full days by myself to find myself, my inner core and my spirit!!!

As we know, blogging has helped us with our sobrieties.  So, in order for me to work on my Food Addiction, I have created a blog about my journey....beginning with this cleanse!!

I've posted the link to my new blog up above (in tab) and here.  This is where I will be all weekend.....   Sober!!   Clean!   Clear minded!  Whole!

I hope to see you there..... (please don't post anything about this blog there)

http://3days2vitality.blogspot.ca

Staff Party # ?

I'm not going to staff "get together" tonight....

One ... I'm a little weak.....
Two ...I have my kids.......

I could leave them alone for an hour just to pop in and say hi to everyone, but then my drinking buds will not want me to stay sober nor leave....

It's just a friggen vicious cycle, isn't it?

Who Am I Now?

I've been alone all weekend.   I caught up on some work and got to check off a lot of things from my To-Do list.    I even did some personal reading and re-arranged my furniture downstairs to create a little zen room for some quiet time.....to hopefully begin meditating on a regular basis....

I've also been doing a lot of soul searching....  I started reading a book called....

....which I discovered at my workshop last week.  The guest speaker referred to this book often.  It was ironic because I had just read a post about types of personality, extrovert or introvert.   

I took an online test called "Are you an introvert or extrovert test" at http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/quiet-quiz-are-you-an-introvert/   

The first time I took it, this was my score:

Your personality profile: I/E.      (I = Introvert. E = Extrovert)

E/I = Ambivert.    If you answered the questions evenly, true and false, you're probably an ambivert - meaning that you fall smack in the middle of the introvert-extrovert spectrum. In many ways, ambiverts have the best of both worlds, able to tap into either pole as needed.

The second time I took it, this was my score:

Your personality profile: I.        

I = Introvert. If you answered the majority of the questions true, you're probably an introvert.  Given the choice, you'll devote your social energy to the people you care about most, preferring a glass of wine with a close friend to a party full of strangers. You think before you speak, and relish solitude. You feel energized when focusing deeply on a subject or activity that really interests you. You have an active inner life, and are at your best when you tap into its riches.

So.....I asked random contacts, friends, family what type personality would best describe me and here are the responses I got.....

Son

Sister

       

Drinking Buddy

Sister

Neighbour

Friend

Sister

According to the test, I'm closer to being an introvert..... 
According to most of my contacts, I'm closer to being an extrovert.....

Now, this topic is very important to someone like me because all my life I have been a very extroverted person.   I know that alcohol played a very important role in this type personality for me because of course, when I drank, I became a different person altogether....   The people in my life think of me as an extrovert because I was haywire half the time....a different person....a social butterfly, crazy, loud, annoying, not afraid to speak my mind...  

I really don't think that this is who I am....anymore......or who I want to be......

I like ME time.... I like to read... I like to think in my head and make my own decisions......I like quiet time....I need my mind to be clear from noise .... 

Being extrovert.....the social butterfly is tiring.....

Susan Cain writes..... The single most important aspect of personality is where we fall on the introvert-extrovert spectrum.  We're told that to be great is to be bold, to be happy is to be sociable.  We see ourselves as a nation of extroverts-which means that we've lost sight of who we really are.

Wow!  What a great discovery of who I am..... or who I want to be.....

I'm tired of the pressure of being the extroverted person at the table.  I'm tired of society telling me that I'm not normal or happy because I don't drink or want to be the life of the party anymore.  I'm tired of the noises, the thinking, the booze.....

It is time for me to tune into my inner world and discover the treasures that can be found there.  It's time for quiet time.....without the guilt of wanting it....

I can't wait to continue reading this book .....

Sober Jen
Hugs

Day 50 Done!

Been working on a post but not done!   I must hit the sack. Just checking in with my peeps!   I'm exhausted!

What to be?

Well, I'm here.  At day 50.  I honestly don't feel as excited as I was when I reached Day 40.  Isn't that messed.  

I'm so close to beating my record of non-drinking days.  I do feel more empowered than I ever did before.  But, I'm also lonelier.  

My buddy invited me to go help her paint her house tonight.  I know it will be an activity where alcohol is involved.  I have been avoiding her for 50 days.    And, she is going through a messy separation.  I haven't been there to support her at all.  What a suck ass friend I've been.  She must think I don't like her anymore and I could see despair in her eyes every time she wants to get together and I have an excuse not to.

Yesterday, I read someone's blog really quickly.   It got me thinking of what type of personality I am.... and it's ironic that types of personalities were also discussed at a workshop I attended yesterday.  

I was an extroverted person.....50 days ago.....but lately I'm feeling very introverted.   I don't feel like talking to anyone or being around anyone.  I'm not sure why.  I just want to be alone, to do the shit that I need to do and take care of the stuff that is on my to-do list.  I have decided to study these two types of personality to find out if one can go from being extrovert to introvert. Can one even change personalities or are we wired to be one or the other?

Does anyone have any good reads on this subject?

The big question for me today is :  Extrovert or Introvert......what to be?

Trouble Breathing

I am literally having trouble breathing with the stress in my life.  I've taken on too much.  I don't even have time to blog or read blogs and now....I'm caught ....thinking way too much of a way out.   I want to drink!

Last year, when I reached 50 days... I drank a few days later.   Now, I know why!  I feel the same friggen way.  I haven't been around adults in almost 50 days, besides the work setting.   I'm fucking exhausted, going through this divorce with an asshole, my kids are selfish and disrespectful.....now I'm the manager of a hockey team, I'm a leader of a group at work, and my boss asked me to take on another project that begins next year and ends next year.   I didn't hand in shit that was due yesterday.  My house is a friggen mess....  I don't even know why!  Yes it's easy to say....just say no Jen....but you must know that's easier said than done!

I  can't keep up!  

I went to meditation class tonight and had a total melt down after the session.   Strangers were hugging me because I couldn't stop crying.  Now, even though I haven't had a good cry in a very long time and my body probably needed it, that was just plain embarrassing.   Why was I upset?  Someone was laughing in the hall, and it was distracting me from my 20 minutes of meditation ....the ME time I get to myself once a week.    The only 20 minutes I get in a week to get out of my mind and body.   I couldn't tonight because of that asshole, who knew we were all in there trying to meditate, was rude and inconsiderate.!


The coach looked at me and said' "ahh...good.... goood for you....it's all part of the release....you needed that..."    yadda, yadda, yadda.   What the fuck does he know what I need?     I know what I need and you all know what this fucked up mind is thinking.   

I know I need to go to bed ...like an hour ago.   I'm going to watch TV for an hour under my big soft warm blankets and go to bed. 


I forgot to take my Vitamin Bs today ...damn it!