I've had the worst week ever! I'm obsessed with wanting a glass of red wine. I'm obsessed with thinking I could just drink occasionally with my buddies. I'm so tired of being tired and thinking of it. Why do I obsess over this and not others who drink, probably more than me? Fuck! It's not fair.
Blah, blah, blah. I know all the shit I've said for the last couple of "sober" months but the fact is....I'm not happy. I'm lonely as shit. I have absolutely no one in my life besides my kids and it's fucking boring, especially when they are gone to their dad's for 4 days.
I used to drink beer with an older couple at camp.....not as much last year because the man was sick and I was trying to quit drinking. His name is John. John died Sunday....and I'm attending the funeral tomorrow. I don't do well at funerals. Anyhow, John would come by my camp often this year, inviting me up for beers by his fire. I didn't go once, because I was in my quit drinking phase. He died. That sucks man. He was the sweetest little old man....always happy, always welcoming, always making people laugh. I should have went to see him more often. He was sick and I think I should have made more of an effort to visit him. Even if I would have drank beer with him....it would have been worth spending time with him.
Like now, I sit here alone every single night. Nobody doesn't drink. I can't just spend the rest of my time, rotting away in this home ....alone. I want to go out and mingle and be surrounded by happy people. Does it really matter if booze comes into play? Fuck. We only live once. Seriously!
I did go to the liquor store tonight at 7:15 PM. It was closed. How fucking ironic. So, yeah, I'm miraculously sober.
The craving and wanting the wine is stronger than wanting to be sober forever. It's so powerful right now. I don't know where I will be tomorrow at this time.
I'm sorry Lynn and I'm sorry my blogging buddies. Peace be with you who have been sober for longer than me or who are just starting out.
Jen, I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteRemember these words that you wrote 16 days ago: "It's not just about getting sober....it's about finding the thing inside of us that yearns for some clarity and freedom from the bottle. It's about being at peace within ourselves and living life to the fullest. It's about getting full night sleeps, getting healthy, being good moms and dads, saving money and being in total control of ourselves 24 hours a day. It's about showing our children that they can fight any addiction or problem that comes their way!"
So sad when we lose friends, but if you really think about it, you could have still enjoyed time together without beer. It's just unfortunate that you are maybe not quite ready to brave that place yet. The beer is not what made it special, truly. I hope you find the strength and awaken to a new day full of promise and clarity. You have done so well to get this far and I am hoping a pink cloud surrounds you to help carry you over this bump. Keep your face to the sun.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote my words…
ReplyDeleteGo ahead – go buy that bottle. But make sure it’s a big one, because once you start you won’t stop. And you don’t want to be driving drunk. And you may feel great and have fun OR you may feel terrible and not enjoy it one shred. But one thing that you won’t do; is you won’t wake up feeling good. That’s the only given in the equation.
And you may stay sober the next day, but I guarantee you by the day after that wolfie will have convinced you that you can drink again, and you will….and there begins your descent…until you look in the mirror and realize, once more, that you can’t go on this way….
It’s a vicious cycle, you know that…you just forgot it with all your sober days….but you do know that!! Which is why you are trying your damndest to stop it…
But what you haven’t done yet is change your life – massive changes. Drinking is NOT a reward – you haven’t figured that one out yet. Drinking is poison and evil and it makes you do things you regret…It is a fucked up lover who you really, really want to believe. Believe all the lies, the sweet nothings he whispers in your head, the false promises that he makes to you every night when you are with him…. But he only cares about himself. He’ll break you, drain you emotionally, rob you of your money,…and all those promises and thoughts and happiness that you thought you had with him are just pipe dreams. You do know that right?
You can’t just quit drinking – you have to change everything about you too!! You have to find new, constructive ways to deal with your life and all the challenges it brings. Take some classes, get out and meet new people, make a list of all the things you dreamed about doing with your life while partying with wolfie and then start doing them. Make short term goals, make long term goals, clean the house…Do whatever it takes, but when wolfie comes knocking at your door, which he will, which he is right now, tell him to fuck off – you’re done with him – done with his lies, his false promises, his breaking your heart…
So go ahead…start down that decline once more….but remember every time you let wolfie back in the door, he kicks your butt just a little bit harder….and soon you will find yourself a 58 year old woman, still trying, with no life, no friends, and no self respect….
I hope you woke today with a clearer head and a stronger resolve. This is the hard stuff. Stay strong, I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeletesleep is magically restorative. booze is a problem, not a solution. you're feeling antsy :) that's ok. let's add solutions ... wanna chat on saturday? love, belle xo
ReplyDeletedear anonymous, it's easy to be shitty without attaching your name. and research has shown that unfortunately the 'tough love' sorts of comments don't work with addiction. it's not a matter of logic. it's a matter of thinking. your comments are amazingly unhelpful and might even backfire and cause someone to drink because they feel shitty. Please be kinder to people who are struggling. it could be you. we would be kind to you.
ReplyDeletejen, you can delete comments on your blog that you don't like. it's your blog. take good care of you.
thank you belle for responding in a way I would have liked to but couldn't string the sentences together.. I agree tough love does not work.
DeleteHi Jen!
ReplyDeleteI hope you are hanging in! You know this will pass, I know it's hard, I lost my mom few years ago, it was brutal. But you are empowered! Your last blog entry I read, that's what you said! Remember that! you will be ok, everything will be ok. You can always text or email me. Reach out! SEnding hugs. Many hugs.
I am so sorry - I wasn't attempting tough love...I was just trying to express my thoughts...my feelings...and what I go through every time I decide to give up and drink again...What Jen said so resonated with me and my life...how I get so tired of spending all this energy on staying sober and why? for what?...and how I do so good and then I don't....... I apoligize Jen if I offended you, or came off harsh, that wasn't my intent. at all..... I just wanted you to think...before you bought that bottle. sorry.....just been there done that......
ReplyDelete