Being Sober is Like...

I must admit that being sober hasn't taken me to different (imaginary) places yet. I don't feel like I'm at a beach or swimming in an ocean, or visiting the Eiffel Tower!

I do know that I love the health benefits from it.  I love waking up, without that heavy feeling in my body.  I am energized because I'm able to sleep through the night without worrying about being dehydrated.

I feel more peaceful and patient with my children.  I feel like I'm able to let all the negative people and thoughts flow in my body and pass through it, easier than before.  Maybe my meditation class is helping with that.  It's teaching me that we are all just a spirit.  We are borrowing this body we have and when we don't take care of it, it dies.  Then our spirit lives on forever.

I want to take care of this body.  Stop putting toxins in it. Live a healthy lifestyle for longevity.

I must admit though that being sober has left me feeling lonely. I've been isolating myself because all my friends and family members love alcohol.  I'm trying to find friends that don't need to drink.  I've been going to a gym in hopes to meeting new people.  I'm sure as time passes and my sober days increase, things will fall into place.  Everything happens for a reason!  Our past experiences makes us who we are today!

I'm almost finished painting three bedrooms. I think I'll paint my recroom next. Lol. Gotta keep busy!

Jen
Day 18

Preparing Myself!

I picked up my book today called Living Sober.  I want to stay focused. I'm not craving alcohol yet (knock on wood) and I really love my life without it right now.   I'm just preparing myself for the unexpected (friends who come knocking on my door to drink, parties, dates....)

Anyhow, I looked at my past blog to see where I left off in the book. I was at Chapter 5 when I lost focus.  The final paragraph of my post read:

Life is full of people.  We must find people in our lives that are positive and able to bring out the best in us!  The sober us!

I ran my half marathon this weekend. It was the most amazing experience of my life!  Out of 10 000 people, I placed 3 500th. I finished in 2:00 on the dot!   I will continue to run and participate in races. It keeps me focused on my health.   If you think...wow...I could never do that....you are wrong!  If I can do it, you can!  Trust me!   You have it in YOU (mind, body, spirit)  to do anything you want to do for yourself!   

I love how I wrote this post and forgot to take my own advice along the way somewhere.  You have it in YOU, Jen (body, mind, spirit) to do anything you want to do for yourself!   

I am empowered. I'm feeling empowered.   I'm feeling healthy, sober and happy.  I love my meditation class.  It's on Wednesday again and I can't wait.  It's all about the power of the mind, body and spirit.   Isn't ironic that I would read about that in a post that I wrote in October 2012?  

I'm going to go back and read through my old posts to see what I wrote about in chapters 1-4 now.  I am so dang forgetful......

Wow!   ..I just read a post, dated October 11th, 2012.  All I want to say today is in this post, except for one sentence! 

Acceptance

My last post talked about the allergies our bodies have to certain things.    For a long time, I struggled with my drinking. I knew it made me sick quite often and I knew it made me do things I wouldn't normally do.  I also felt like I lived in a "fog" for most of my adult life, not really living it entirely and Fully Alive.  It was like there was a hazy cloud around me, preventing me to see the beauty and gifts in my life.  For the most part, I thought this was a normal way of living. 

Being sober and accepting the fact that booze makes me sick...I see life in a whole different way.  I've come to accept that my body cannot take booze like it use to or like others can.  I've discovered so much about how a normal life should be lived.  I am blessed to have discovered this now instead of later or when it would have been too late.  I still have many beautiful years ahead of me!

"Who has time to feel deprived or self-pitying when you find there are so many delights connected with living happily unafraid  of your illness?" (Sober Living)

When I first decided to get my shit together and quit drinking, I did feel sorry for myself and often thought "Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?"   I didn't want to accept that I had a disease or that I couldn't control myself when I drank.   There's still a little part of me that thinks I can control it....that will probably always be there.  But the bigger part of me that has accepted my fate as a person who gets sick with booze, has grown big time and knows which path she want her life to go through....the healthy one.

Anyone who wants it is welcome to a "free trial period" of this new concept of self.  Afterward, anyone who wants the old days again is perfectly free to start them all over.  It is your right to take back your misery if you want it. (Sober Living)

This statement is amazing!   The new self!  It's worth living for!

I'm heading out to the big city of Toronto Canada for the weekend. I won't have much time to blog because I'm preparing for my half-marathon. I won't have time to think about booze either.

I'll be living and living life to the fullest!

God Bless!

That was a pretty good post from someone who thought she had her shit together.  Why would she start drinking again when it made her miserable, unhealthy, sleepless, bloated, guilty, sad....?  Why did she take back her misery?  

Why do we relapse?   My longest sober period was about 52 days.  Reading my past blog tells me that I felt great and liked being sober. Just like now. I feel great and like being sober.  So why did I go back to my old ways of drinking?  Why does anyone go back when they've been sober for a certain period of time?

There is a great article I stumbled upon called "Understanding Relapse"

It mentions that most relapses occur when a woman doubts that she is an alcoholic.  I must say, this is true in my case.  I convinced myself that I could drink socially and remain in control with a glass of wine in my hand.  I was determined not to overdue it or get drunk where I was stumbling or blacking out.  I told myself that I wouldn't hide booze from people and drink by myself anymore.  I was certain that I wasn't a "true" alcoholic.  But I was wrong.  I still don't always think I'm a hard core alcoholic.  But, I do know that I'm tired of thinking about it and how it is ruining my health and zest for life!  I don't want it anymore.

I am on day 13 today!  I am ready to commit to Belle and her 100 day challenge.  I'm ready to give myself, my body and my family the gift of a sober me.

God Bless!

Keeping Busy

I use to keep busy, thinking I needed a glass of red wine in my hand to keep me going.   Now, I keep busy without it, and I can keep going without it. I painted my bedroom light blue yesterday.  (First time I paint without drinking).  I got up nice and early, ran a 10 KM at the track and feel better than ever.

I'm sober!  Happy face!

Friday Nights

Well, I had a great sober night!  I went to a fitness class with my sister, had a salad for dinner, then went to see a movie.  "The Call" with Halley Berry!   Super movie...probably one of the best suspenseful movies I've seen.  (Probably because I didn't go out much before, especially to movies...no booze there)

I feel great!  I had no desire to drink, even when I was clasping my hands to the seat!  I feel good, knowing that I'm in bed, nice and early, not feeling my head spin, ready for a 10 KM run in the morning!

I had a nice, happy warm feeling tonight as I watched my sister eat. It was where I was supposed to be.  Not at a party, or a pub, or a bar...
I am supposed to be sober. I know it!

Day 7

I don't like to title my posts by Sober Days but heck I'm at a week, and I had no other title for it this one.

I'm feeling very good.  I started a new meditation class today and am very excited about it.  I learned a lot from it.  It's calledTranscendental Meditation (TM).  Peace is within me.  It's not as hard to find, as I thought.  We need to clear our minds, with our bodies (using breath), and then we feel that peace and serenity we are all looking for.  I need to love myself and be at peace with who I am before I can allow others to love me.   It is my first class, but this meditation focuses on the breath.  Feeling the breath go in and out of the body.  There's no work for me to do, other than just feeling the breath.  No concentrating, no focusing on something, letting thoughts come in and out and re-focusing on the breath.  My mind did transcend a couple of times because my hands (clasped together) became numb.   I enjoyed it and felt good after the class.  I can't wait until next week.  I may actually go back tomorrow for the same first session if I can drag my sister's ass out.  I know she will love it too.

I also feel good because I don't want to drink tonight.  I like sleep more than I like booze.  So for now, that's what I tell people when they ask me to drink.  I tell them that booze make me lose sleep and after many sleepless nights, I don't want that right now.  I need to feel rested because that keeps me calm.  It keeps me grounded, healthy and ready to face the day.

No hangovers rock!  I'm also noticing that my face isn't as puffy.  I really want this sober life you all been writing about.

I'm excited to start living!

Day 5

I hit day 5 hard today. Got up to a leaky toilet, wet ceiling tiles downstairs.  Ran a 5 KM on the treadmill.  Went to work late because of the mad rush this morning.   Got harassed by my ex again. Decided to take on the job of changing a wax seal around a toilet bowl by myself because I have no money for a plumber.  I managed to do it with a few curse words.  Broke a part for the valve, got a new part and replaced it.  Patted myself on the back because I did it all, without the luxury of booze lurking around while under pressure!

Pressures!  Holy shit!  I hate the heart pounding pressure I've been under.  I feel like my ex is sucking the life out of me and I have no where to run!   I try to breath through it but its tough. I know I have my dad's patience level which isn't very high, and I don't want to be like him.  I hate feeling angry and uptight. I dont like cursing and feeling my adreniline sky rocket at times. So, I'm just breathing...deep breaths from the belly.  I've actually decided to take a meditation class.  Starts this week!   I'm hoping it helps, otherwise I know I'll be finding myself on anti-depressants again.   I want to be just normal, without booze or drugs to numb the feelings I have.

As I sit here though, I can't help but think about what I'll be doing this weekend (without my kids or without booze) or next month or this summer when all my friends want to drink and I say I'm not drinking.  Am I strong enough?

Finding my Purpose - Part 2

Step 2 in Finding your purpose is 


Write down the names of people that you admire, and why you admire them


1- Ellen -for her humour, honesty and out-goingness

2-  My son -for being such an amazing soul, so caring and thoughtful of others

3-  My mommy -for putting up with my dad's anger and drunkenness throughout their marriage

4-  My sister for being such a grown-up when me and no one else were

5-  My boss - for his outlook on life, even after losing someone you love. He's taught me so much about life and letting go of bad things 

6-  Runners - for being strong and motivated to continue running 

7-  God - for blessing me with 3 beautiful children, a great career and the ability to be independent and take care of myself

8-  Non - drinkers for being themselves, sober 

9- Me -  for putting myself through university and raising 3 kids alone

10.  My dad - for always lending a helping hand to people, even when it pisses him off and it takes him away from his booze 

I promised myself I wouldn't post until I could put 10 people on this list.  It's not as easy as it seems, especially when you've lived a secluded, drunken life. 

The second part of this step tells me the following:

When you're done, look at the list and know that what you appreciate about others, is also in you. You are attracted to these qualities, because they speak to you, and they speak to you, because they are a part of your path. If this was your list, Stepping out of the box, telling the truth, and living out loud would be action steps that would take you toward your purpose. Adopt these admiration's of others as a way for you to show up in the world. These are your actions.
From Website:   http://www.wikihow.com/Image:Find-Your-Life%27s-Purpose-Step-1.jpg

Action steps to take me toward my purpose

I will take the following action steps from the people I admire!  I will be honest and more out-going like Ellen. I will continue to be funny and make people laugh, even as a sober person!  I will be more considerate, like my son and think about others before I react when I'm feeling angry or pissed off at the world, especially when I cause a spill or make a mess.  I will be more grown-up, like my sister, which should be easier as I sober up. I will continue to take my boss' advice!  I will be kind and sober.  I will stop my angry outburst like my father had with us all my life.  I don't want to be like him in that way....just his helpful, kind ways.   I will continue to run and focus on completing my marathon goal!

Sleep vs Insomnia

Last night, I slept for 6 hours without waking up!!!   It felt so good!  I have had insomnia for the last 2 weeks.  Probably has nothing to do with the fact that I was drinking on a daily basis.....  Ya right!

Booze sure keeps me up at night. I know that all ready.  I've been tossing and turning on a nightly basis, stuck in a rut for two weeks. But, I had to make that discovery again for myself!  I hope things are going to start clicking soon. I know I've said it before.  But when someone loses sleep for two weeks in a row, things have to change.      Things have to change.

I always knew that there was a correlation between losing sleep with alcohol consumption but let's face it ...denial, denial, denial!  Hits me like a ton of bricks now...when my mind just wanted the drink for the last umpteen years.  I didn't want to admit that it was the booze and the stress over thinking about booze being in my life are what's been keeping me up all night!

Who cares about sleep when I can numb my mind for hours on end and hit the sack and crash hard.  I never had problems falling sleep. The problem I had was that I'd get up at 1ish to pee or drink water because I was afraid I would be hungover.  I would toss and turn for hours on end, pissed off at myself for feeling dehydrated and not drinking enough water before bed.  I'd drink glasses of H2O and lay there feeling my belly churn, wondering if I'll be okay in the morning.

Many articles show us that booze affects our sleep patterns. I've been reading several and I don't think I've run across one that says drinking will help us sleep.  The best I got was that it helps us fall asleep quickly (or pass out according to us drinkers), then we're in a state of mess once our biological clock wakes us up before  the buzzing of the real clock wakes us up!  tick, tock!  Booze affects our REM sleep, the deep sleep we need on a daily basis to survive our busy, hectic lives!  Read about it!  When we don't get that deep sleep our bodies need, we become cranky, tired, thirsty, impatient, which helps us reach for that drink!  It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?

So, I must ask myself this question everyday.  Do I want sleep tonight or do I want a sleepless, shitty, bag-under-the-eye creating night?   

I'm exhausted!  I'm tired of thinking too!

(I'm at a hotel for the weekend for a hockey tournament with a bunch of drinkers.  I passed on the shooters last night and I'm glad I did.   Pat on my back)

Finding my Purpose -Part 1

I stumbled upon a cool blog yesterday. Trying to do some soul searching. It's http://davetieff.blogspot.ca.  I went to his original post dated September 2010, and it read 

You're on Earth for a Reason. Figure it Out.

Wow!  What a wake-up call for me!  Got me thinking for the last two days.  What is my purpose?  Have I fulfilled what I've been put on Earth to do?  Have I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in my life?   Have I left my mark in the world?  What makes me happy?  Do I even know the answer to that?  I am 42 and  I sure as heck don't feel happy, whole and complete lately. I think it's time for me to find my purpose!

I definitely know one thing!  I'm exhausted!  Physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually.  I feel like I'm seeking and searching and keep falling into the same trap!  Starts with one social drink then I'm drinking on a daily basis, forgetting all the progress and work I've done. It's tiring.  It's exhausting.  The no sleeping sucks, the hangover sucks, the feeling like a piece of shit, drunk sucks big time!    

So I'm going to try harder!  For me!  For my kids!  For Belle and her 100 day challenge. (I've always told you that you were my rock)

I googled "Finding My Purpose"....and here's what popped up. http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Your-Life's-Purpose

It describes 6 steps to follow to find your purpose, so here goes!  Let's see where it takes me!  

Step 1.  Make a list of the things you do for fun, or that you really enjoy

This has been a tough question to answer!  Everything I do for fun includes booze most of the time.  I love to dance and sing and party. I love roller coasters.  I love camping but its more fun when I can have a few drinks (or a lot).  I love gardening. I like painting.  I like going out for dinner. I like to have staff parties at my place and entertain people. 

I enjoy reading and watching movies.  I enjoy playing with my kids and making them happy.  I enjoy eating and cooking new foods!

I love running with a passion. I have been lazy and lost but would like to persue my dream to run a marathon. 

I love my job and feel blessed for having such a wonderful career surrounded by awesome friends and coworkers. 

I would love to start scrapbooking again.   I would love to travel.   

When I was 21 and left my boyfriend, he refused to let me go peacefully.  He said I would be a bum on Welfare for the rest of my life.    I showed him!  I went to University as a single mom and got myself a super career.  When I was 39 and left my husband, he refused to let me go peacefully. He said and continues to say that I am a drunk and a bad person.   I need to prove him wrong!

I know I am a strong person!  I know I deserve hapiness and peace.  When I sat in the hot tub last week with my drunken father, I told him how much pressure I felt from the people around me to be the "entertainment!!"  Pressure to be the party person that anyone can call up on a whim and she is ready to go..  He said it was the same for him, and he thought it may be hereditary.  I just think its all I know and I'm not sure how to change it!

Completing Step 1 tonight helped me realize two things.  One:  There are  a lot of thing that I can do for fun, without booze being in my life.  I would probably accomplish more on my list if I'd just give up the shit!  Two:  I don't think that am doing enough of the sober activities that I like doing.  I am always focussing on having the fun that involves booze.   I don't know how to have fun with my kids or friends or family without the shit.   I feel like I need the booze to make it through entertaining or being happy and perfect. 

I think that if I rearranged my list in sequence (having alcoholic activities at the bottom), I may just start focusing on the "sober" activities. 

1. Running

2.  Cooking

3.  Work

4.  Scrapbooking

5.  Gardening

6.  Reading

7.  Painting

What else do people do for fun?   Without booze!  I'd love to add to my lists!  Maybe I'll discover something I don't know about myself.   Maybe I will discover what my purpose is!

Step 2 ...tomorrow 

Goodnight

God Bless

Finding My Purpose?

I stumbled upon a blog tonight which talks about finding your purpose in life. I think it is time for me to do some soul searching!  I'm exhausted!  

I took an online questionnaire and this was my results!

What`s your main purpose in life!?To be happy! Your purpose in life is simple. To enjoy it! You live life to the fullest by making sure that life is all about having fun and enjoying yourself every opportunity you get. You`re carefree attitude has made you many friends and admirers, and you are more often than not the life of the party! Take This Quiz Again   Take More Quizzes   Make Your Own Quiz

Isn't it ironic?  If my results are so true, why don't I feel as happy as it says I should be?  ...

.....and you are more often than to, the life of the party??      How can a computer generated questionnaire know me so well?  Is it just meant to be?   I just may be destined to be the life of the party!   I know I'm very happy most of the time....when I'm not hungover or overly intoxicated and making an ass of myself because I've lost total control of my body and actions!

One thing is for sure...I want happiness!  I want peace!  I want to be in control!  I will find my purpose and live my life to the fullest!   I just don't think I can do that if booze is a part of my life!

I will try harder!

What next?

I am going through hell.  What do I do about it?  I escape for a few days!   Went to mom and dad's who, as many of you know, are alcoholics.  I knew I'd have fun and forget about my shit for a few days!  I drank my face off, forgot about my problems. I don't really regret it because I know that I needed to be around people that love me.  My kids were with their father and I was tired  of feeling lonely.  So I escaped.

But, man do I ever feel exhausted!

Now what?

I'm subscribed to Belle's blog so I get her posts sent to my email automatically.  100 days sound good but seems impossible.  Would bring me to June 22nd!  Seems so far away!