I stumbled upon a cool blog yesterday. Trying to do some soul searching. It's http://davetieff.blogspot.ca. I went to his original post dated September 2010, and it read
You're on Earth for a Reason. Figure it Out.
Wow! What a wake-up call for me! Got me thinking for the last two days. What is my purpose? Have I fulfilled what I've been put on Earth to do? Have I accomplished what I wanted to accomplish in my life? Have I left my mark in the world? What makes me happy? Do I even know the answer to that? I am 42 and I sure as heck don't feel happy, whole and complete lately. I think it's time for me to find my purpose!
I definitely know one thing! I'm exhausted! Physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. I feel like I'm seeking and searching and keep falling into the same trap! Starts with one social drink then I'm drinking on a daily basis, forgetting all the progress and work I've done. It's tiring. It's exhausting. The no sleeping sucks, the hangover sucks, the feeling like a piece of shit, drunk sucks big time!
So I'm going to try harder! For me! For my kids! For Belle and her 100 day challenge. (I've always told you that you were my rock)
I googled "Finding My Purpose"....and here's what popped up. http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Your-Life's-Purpose
It describes 6 steps to follow to find your purpose, so here goes! Let's see where it takes me!
Step 1. Make a list of the things you do for fun, or that you really enjoy
This has been a tough question to answer! Everything I do for fun includes booze most of the time. I love to dance and sing and party. I love roller coasters. I love camping but its more fun when I can have a few drinks (or a lot). I love gardening. I like painting. I like going out for dinner. I like to have staff parties at my place and entertain people.
I enjoy reading and watching movies. I enjoy playing with my kids and making them happy. I enjoy eating and cooking new foods!
I love running with a passion. I have been lazy and lost but would like to persue my dream to run a marathon.
I love my job and feel blessed for having such a wonderful career surrounded by awesome friends and coworkers.
I would love to start scrapbooking again. I would love to travel.
When I was 21 and left my boyfriend, he refused to let me go peacefully. He said I would be a bum on Welfare for the rest of my life. I showed him! I went to University as a single mom and got myself a super career. When I was 39 and left my husband, he refused to let me go peacefully. He said and continues to say that I am a drunk and a bad person. I need to prove him wrong!
I know I am a strong person! I know I deserve hapiness and peace. When I sat in the hot tub last week with my drunken father, I told him how much pressure I felt from the people around me to be the "entertainment!!" Pressure to be the party person that anyone can call up on a whim and she is ready to go.. He said it was the same for him, and he thought it may be hereditary. I just think its all I know and I'm not sure how to change it!
Completing Step 1 tonight helped me realize two things. One: There are a lot of thing that I can do for fun, without booze being in my life. I would probably accomplish more on my list if I'd just give up the shit! Two: I don't think that am doing enough of the sober activities that I like doing. I am always focussing on having the fun that involves booze. I don't know how to have fun with my kids or friends or family without the shit. I feel like I need the booze to make it through entertaining or being happy and perfect.
I think that if I rearranged my list in sequence (having alcoholic activities at the bottom), I may just start focusing on the "sober" activities.
1. Running
2. Cooking
3. Work
4. Scrapbooking
5. Gardening
6. Reading
7. Painting
What else do people do for fun? Without booze! I'd love to add to my lists! Maybe I'll discover something I don't know about myself. Maybe I will discover what my purpose is!
Step 2 ...tomorrow
Goodnight
God Bless
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