I hit day 5 hard today. Got up to a leaky toilet, wet ceiling tiles downstairs. Ran a 5 KM on the treadmill. Went to work late because of the mad rush this morning. Got harassed by my ex again. Decided to take on the job of changing a wax seal around a toilet bowl by myself because I have no money for a plumber. I managed to do it with a few curse words. Broke a part for the valve, got a new part and replaced it. Patted myself on the back because I did it all, without the luxury of booze lurking around while under pressure!
Pressures! Holy shit! I hate the heart pounding pressure I've been under. I feel like my ex is sucking the life out of me and I have no where to run! I try to breath through it but its tough. I know I have my dad's patience level which isn't very high, and I don't want to be like him. I hate feeling angry and uptight. I dont like cursing and feeling my adreniline sky rocket at times. So, I'm just breathing...deep breaths from the belly. I've actually decided to take a meditation class. Starts this week! I'm hoping it helps, otherwise I know I'll be finding myself on anti-depressants again. I want to be just normal, without booze or drugs to numb the feelings I have.
As I sit here though, I can't help but think about what I'll be doing this weekend (without my kids or without booze) or next month or this summer when all my friends want to drink and I say I'm not drinking. Am I strong enough?
How awesome that you fixed it by yourself! I sure couldn't have done that! And you remained sober, that's awesome too. Be kind to yourself, you are probably having all the feelings due to withdrawals. They will get better and level out with time for sure. I can so relate to the ex thing, got one of those too and he is sometimes sucking the life out of me... We are meeting with our daughters counselor tomorrow I am all uptight about having to spend an hour in the same room with him... Ugh. I'll be doing some deep breathing myself before I get in the room. Thank you for the post. Hang in!
ReplyDeleteHi Jen,
ReplyDeleteI would like to email you, but I can't figure out how. I have been reading your blog and I think I might actually be you. And dude, you could never have changed the wax seal on your toilet if you were drunk:-)
N
northbyswest@gmail.com