I'm almost scared.  I haven't craved alcohol since my last relapse.  I actually love the feeling of being free from it!  It's not around my house....anywhere..... I have no fears of getting caught with booze in my house....(by my kids).. I have no worries about driving anywhere anymore. ( I never drank and drove but I avoided going places because I'd rather drink)......My bank account is happy again....and so are the bags under my eyes....almost gone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still tired.... I just have to fight off different things besides booze....like the winter blues....and all the weight I've gained since I quit drinking again...other everyday stresses in my life.   I haven't worked out once in the past month and I find myself feeling the effects from this.  I just have to find the motivation to run again!

I also have to be aware....aware that the demon still lies within me somewhere....I've hurt him because I've taken my power back....but I know that he will try to come out again...when I least expect it.

This time, I feel different.   Good different.  I like the freedom.....

Ten Things I'm Grateful For....pass it on.....

1.  My 3 beautiful healthy children

2.  My health

3.  My career

4.  My home

5.  My calmness and spirituality that I'm discovering

6.  Food

7.  Sleep

8.  A new day

9.  The sun

10.  I'm an alcoholic

I'm grateful that I'm an alcoholic because if I wasn't, I don't think I'd be living the way I am.  I live a more spiritual, grateful life than I see most people living.  So many people worry about the little things in life and let their minds get carried away in negativity.  In AA meetings, I hear people say they are grateful for being an alcoholic and at first I didn't fully understand what they hell they meant.     Living as an alcoholic ...(I now like to say "recovering alcoholic") ...brings us to living Fully Alive.....the place I wanted to be for a very long time!

Have a great day!

My God really did take my cravings away....but I am always aware because I know the beast is lurking....

Jen  

P.S.  I'm not counting days anymore.....I'm just done..... My sobriety date will be stamped on the blog and I will celebrate monthly.  

I've been to a couple of AA meetings this week and it's funny because I really didn't feel like going to the meetings in the first place....not because I don't think I belong there.....but because I was lazy and it was damn cold outside.  But I went and I am so very grateful that I did.....

What an amazing feeling to be able to spill your guts out to people that totally understand what you're going through!  It's indescribable.   What amazing stories we hear around the tables, stories from all types and all ages.....  The best part is that in each of their stories, I hear something that is directed toward me and my life.....it's gotta be an act of God...speaking to me through these people....showing me how to live.... showing me that sobriety is the best thing I can ever do for me....for my kids....

I've heard a couple of people say that they were grateful for being an alcoholic.   What?  Why would people say such a thing?  Why would people be grateful for having a disease and going through recovery and struggles with alcohol?   It's because, when we discover sobriety, we discover life again!  We learn that there is so much to be grateful for.....we live for today...one day at a time.....  We learn to let go of resentments....we learn to forgive ourselves ....we learn to forgive others.....we accept things that we can't control.... we become patient....more loving......open ....and honest......We become exactly what God wants us to be.   (God aka Higher Power or Creator)

As I look around at people in todays' society, around the staff room, or in public..... people are so caught up in the world that they forget to be grateful, forgiving, patient, loving, accepting, honest.....  It's hard to stay away from so much negativity.  We are surrounded by it on a daily basis......  It's almost tiring.  It's funny but when I was drinking, I never really noticed how uptight and negative people were.....probably because I was uptight and negative myself.....  I was so cranky and stressed out a lot of the time, wondering how I was going to fit in my next drink when I had hockey or gymnastics....I was much more impatient, anxious, uptight, and crazy when I was drinking, that's for sure.   

But today, things have changed for me.  I've had a little bit of a spiritual awakening.  I feel so happy and calm and so very grateful for my life.  I haven't wanted a drink at all since my last relapse.  I am definitely feeling like I'm done fighting!  I'm also sleeping so well.....OMG!  You all know how much I love my sleep!

I am working on Step 3.  That was the topic of discussion today.  When I spoke I mentioned that I believed in God and that ....but I struggled with this:   How do I know if the decisions I'm making in my life are the ones God wants me to make?  How do I know that I'm living in accordance to His will for me?    I learned that I have to believe that everything happens for a reason.  I already knew that but I think I needed to hear it again.  I learned that we have to listen to the signs.... God will send us signs to help us in our decision making.  I knew that already too.   I have to stop analyzing everything that is happening around me and just let it be...just let go....whatever happens ...happens.... everything happens for a reason.....

Today's Daily Reflections talks about loneliness.  Something caught my eye in the read and I thought I'd share it with you.  

Our staff had many parties in the past, almost once a month.  At least 10 - 20 people would attend these parties, until the drunks started getting wild and crazy, including me.  After a few months, staff parties began to occur every few months and included maybe 8-10.  People weren't coming to them anymore and it took me a while to figure out why.......

Last month's party only brought 7 around the table, including me, a drinker.   

The Reflection says:  Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured with loneliness. Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered the feeling that we didn't quite belong.

The thing that gets me here is that I blamed my Relapse on loneliness.  I thought I was lonely because I wasn't drinking and had no drinking buddies left.  I failed to see that I have a lot of other people in my life that I could call and do things with...  I failed to see that people don't like to be around drunks.  This is what I realized that night ...people don't want to be around me when I'm drunk.    One sober lady was totally disgusted in me because I kept farting loudly....not caring that it was rude and annoying and stinky.  If I was sober, this wouldn't have happened.  I'm embarrassed when I see this person at work now.   

I, myself, was annoyed by my drunk buddy.  She was extremely negative that night..... She's always negative, come to think of it....I'm not sure why I didn't see it before.   I don't like to be around negative people and here I am drinking with my buddy who bashes everyone and everything in sight.  

I'm not alone in this world.  Today, I can actually say that it's the solitude that I enjoy now....  I have 3 beautiful children, 4 beautiful sisters, a mom and a dad and great friends and God.  I just need to surround myself with that on a daily basis!


"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone."

Step 3 at my AA meeting ...Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

 
I always believed in God and truly believe that everything happens for a reason.    This is a tough step for me because living in accordance to God's Will is very confusing at times.   How do we know when we are doing something selfishly or for God?  How do we let go of wanting the things we want in our lives and allow God to take over?  

I've questioned my Spirituality for many years now.  I've always seem to be lacking it.  I've always wondered how to get more of it.  I've always believed that God's been with me along my journey in life, through my hard times and not.  He sends me messages often.   

I think that when my mind was in a fog, with alcohol, I was too busy to wonder what God wanted me to do that day.   I was so busy and obsessed with drinking that I missed a lot of the special moments God sent my way on a daily basis.... those stolen moments...for example...as I type right now, my son has his hand resting on the back of my neck.... my moment. 

I want to focus on this Step for a few weeks.  I will start my morning, my well rested morning, with the Serenity Prayer.   I will ask God to guide me.   I will let Him take over, take the wheel.   I will concentrate on the special moments in my life and be so grateful for the chance to see them...to feel them.....

  

The Book says we need one thing to focus on Step 3:  Willingness

I can tell you, with all the shit I've been through, including the relapse last week, I'm willing to do anything to stay here, where I am today. sober and free.

From the book:

Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God— or, if you like, a Higher Power—into our lives. 

I learned so much about myself in the last month.  I believe I had to have a relapse in order to discover who I really am and what I want in this crazy life of mine.

At my AA meeting last night, we talked about Step 1...  to admit we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

I think it took the relapse to help me realize that my life is unmanageable when I'm drinking.   I became a nasty women that only focused on getting my next drink.  I was miserable!   I was cranky and short tempered with my kids and felt like shit of course because of the hangovers.  I spent money I didn't have, fell behind on housework, and lost track of time....special moments.  Life was just chaotic!  Most importantly, I lost sleep!   My favourite thing in the whole world.  

I'm sooooo grateful that my relapse only lasted two weeks and I was strong enough to realize that I don't want this drinking life anymore.   I want the peace and tranquility I felt for 77 days, my longest bought of sobriety.   It was me!  It's who I am now.  It's who I want to be forever. 

Don't get me wrong, life is still hectic, but doing all the things I have to do, without worrying about my next buzz is much better. 

Sometimes, it takes a while to realize that our lives are really unmanageable...especially if you're like me...  the type that says I'm doing great....I got my shit together, my kids are fed, I go to work everyday, I deserve a drink.

But, when you experience that freedom from the drink for a length of time, the way I did, you realize that it's a special place to be.... one you want to keep.....forever!

Letter to My Drunk Buddies

Sent 5 minutes ago

Hi L and J. I love you two so much. You both know how I feel lately about my drinking and shit. I quit for 77 days and felt amazing. I want to get that back. So I've decided that I can't drink anymore. Me and booze don't mix. I don't sleep, I get bags, I feel nauseated, and feel like shit when I drink. So why do it! 
I'm done with it. I've went to 3 AA meetings this week and I'm telling you this confidentially because I trust you. I also want you to know how much sobriety means to me. I need to break the cycle for my kids. 
I truly love you two and want to do shit together that is booze-free. Dinner and movies... Walks, coffees.... 
I hope you understand an I know you will support my decision! 
Xoxoxoxo

My day was crazy!  I can't believe I went from one activity to the next, with little breathing time in between.  I even made it to the Women's Group AA.   It was awesome.
I'll post more about what I learned tomorrow
Goodnight
I will sleep tonight!  Yay......

Sleep.....damn I love sleep.  I finally slept all night....after two weeks of drinking ......Sleep rocks!

Thanks for all your loving support.  It means so much to me.

I'm going to a Women's Group AA Meeting tonight and I can't wait!  I do have to leave my son's hockey game for it, and I hope he understands later on in his life how important this is to me.

Day 2 again and proud to be here because I know how good it feels again!

I sat in my car in front of the church.  My heart pounded and I felt nauseated.  My biggest fear was to walk into the meeting and see someone that I know, or even worse, see a parent of a child that I teach.  I am, realistically, supposed to be a perfect role model.  How can I be a teacher, and a "drunk"?

I waited for about 20 minutes, contemplating going back to my warm snuggly house or walk into an AA meeting and admit to people that I'm an alcoholic.  I've been trying to become sober and human for the past 8 years....  quit drinking, start again, feel like shit, quit drinking, start again, feel like shit......

I made it to 77 days this time around.  November 1st, I picked up a drink, actually a case of beer, and my drinking buddies were soon to be found at my house, getting drunk with me...the friend they lost for a while.  I was happy!  I had a great night!  We laughed and picked up where we left off....  I had my friends again.   They had me again!

I have thought about alcohol for the last 11 days and already I'm exhausted.  I didn't drink in front or around my kids...thank God it didn't get to that....it actually almost did one night.....  but the moment they were off to their daddy's for a couple of days, bammo!  I was drunker than a skunk, with my two drinking buddies.....having a dance party, laughing, stumbling, and just not giving a shit about me.

Why do I want day 1 again.....even though it is very embarrassing to start over?  Because, I haven't had a good night sleep in 2 weeks!   Even last night, found me drinking a 6 pack of tall boys all alone.   Didn't sleep much.   Bags are enormous under these eyes and I'm already bloated all over my body.

I found myself at an AA meeting tonight for a couple of reasons.  I can't do it alone.   Even though I have all you blogging support buddies, having someone drag me to a meeting and tell me it's going to be all right is different.  Secondly, I need to meet people that don't drink.

I decided to get out of my car.....walked up the path to the door and stood there.  I tried to peek in....just to see if I knew anyone...and bammo, this cute little old man was right there.   We had small chat and I told him how terrified I was.   He grabbed my arm and said ...come on....you'll be fine.... and led me down to the basement of the church.  He was so sweet, introduced me to the program and the people.

Then, my worse fears came true.  A step-parent of a child I teach, walked in..... Fuck!  What could I do now....it took me everything not to run off....but then what good would that do.....he would still know I'm a drunk!     Why else would I be in the basement of a church on a Monday night?

The older man kept trying to talk to me and I just wanted to crawl into my chair.   I didn't make too much eye contact with anyone, but I did the readings and spoke when it was my turn....

I said " I'm just tired....  I've been trying to quit drinking for a very long time and keep disappointing myself when I find myself drinking....  "

At that point, I didn't really care what people thought of me....  we were all there for the same reason....to get sober.

I don't think it matters how we seek help.  It just matters that we do it.....

This has to be the end of drinking for me....  One man said...I can't drink anymore!   I think that those should be my words.  I almost hate booze now.  I'm pissed that I have to start over!   I'm pissed that I have to say goodbye to my drunk buddies again.   I'm pissed that I've disappointed people I love, especially me.

The meeting was awesome!  I almost felt exhilarated when I walked out of there...like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders.   It's where I belong.  ....  a place where people understand exactly what I'm talking about...exactly what I'm going through.....

I will get to day 100 ....then day 365....  It's my turn....

We fall down, we get up.....right?

?

Big question!  How many times do I have to quit drinking before I realize that it's not the life I want??

Starting at Day 1 again really does suck.   I know a lot of you, my blogging buddies probably gave up on me.  I know I've been here before and you're probably saying " I told you so" ...and yes you were right.

The best part for me is that I didn't drink in front or around my babies.   I only disappointed me.

I'm not happy.....  drank with friends a few times, and alone, while kids were away....  back to no sleep really sucks and I already have bags under my eyes!

I don't want to drink anymore!