I sat in my car in front of the church. My heart pounded and I felt nauseated. My biggest fear was to walk into the meeting and see someone that I know, or even worse, see a parent of a child that I teach. I am, realistically, supposed to be a perfect role model. How can I be a teacher, and a "drunk"?
I waited for about 20 minutes, contemplating going back to my warm snuggly house or walk into an AA meeting and admit to people that I'm an alcoholic. I've been trying to become sober and human for the past 8 years.... quit drinking, start again, feel like shit, quit drinking, start again, feel like shit......
I made it to 77 days this time around. November 1st, I picked up a drink, actually a case of beer, and my drinking buddies were soon to be found at my house, getting drunk with me...the friend they lost for a while. I was happy! I had a great night! We laughed and picked up where we left off.... I had my friends again. They had me again!
I have thought about alcohol for the last 11 days and already I'm exhausted. I didn't drink in front or around my kids...thank God it didn't get to that....it actually almost did one night..... but the moment they were off to their daddy's for a couple of days, bammo! I was drunker than a skunk, with my two drinking buddies.....having a dance party, laughing, stumbling, and just not giving a shit about me.
Why do I want day 1 again.....even though it is very embarrassing to start over? Because, I haven't had a good night sleep in 2 weeks! Even last night, found me drinking a 6 pack of tall boys all alone. Didn't sleep much. Bags are enormous under these eyes and I'm already bloated all over my body.
I found myself at an AA meeting tonight for a couple of reasons. I can't do it alone. Even though I have all you blogging support buddies, having someone drag me to a meeting and tell me it's going to be all right is different. Secondly, I need to meet people that don't drink.
I decided to get out of my car.....walked up the path to the door and stood there. I tried to peek in....just to see if I knew anyone...and bammo, this cute little old man was right there. We had small chat and I told him how terrified I was. He grabbed my arm and said ...come on....you'll be fine.... and led me down to the basement of the church. He was so sweet, introduced me to the program and the people.
Then, my worse fears came true. A step-parent of a child I teach, walked in..... Fuck! What could I do now....it took me everything not to run off....but then what good would that do.....he would still know I'm a drunk! Why else would I be in the basement of a church on a Monday night?
The older man kept trying to talk to me and I just wanted to crawl into my chair. I didn't make too much eye contact with anyone, but I did the readings and spoke when it was my turn....
I said " I'm just tired.... I've been trying to quit drinking for a very long time and keep disappointing myself when I find myself drinking.... "
At that point, I didn't really care what people thought of me.... we were all there for the same reason....to get sober.
I don't think it matters how we seek help. It just matters that we do it.....
This has to be the end of drinking for me.... One man said...I can't drink anymore! I think that those should be my words. I almost hate booze now. I'm pissed that I have to start over! I'm pissed that I have to say goodbye to my drunk buddies again. I'm pissed that I've disappointed people I love, especially me.
The meeting was awesome! I almost felt exhilarated when I walked out of there...like a big weight was lifted off my shoulders. It's where I belong. .... a place where people understand exactly what I'm talking about...exactly what I'm going through.....
I will get to day 100 ....then day 365.... It's my turn....
We fall down, we get up.....right?
Hi Jen! I am so happy and proud of you! Seeking help is very courageous! I am so glad you decided to go to a meeting, I too find it amazing and exhilarating, I always feel inspired to keep going. I wasn't able to get sober without the steps and the fellowship, I know others have, but for me this is what worked. I hope you find the support that you need there and hang with the women, they will understand how difficult it is as a mother, as a teacher, as a woman. I know you can do this!
ReplyDeleteuh, YEA we fall down (me, as you know, twice since being here) and then WE GET UP. You are UP! I've been reading your blog for awhile, and know how hard it must be as a single mom...but you know it will be better being 'there' not 'out of there' as a mom, and you're doing the right thing. I went to some AA meetings and LOVED them. I think I will be going back, too. I just need to find the right one, which is easier in a big city.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, girl! Go to the meetings, stay here, and we are rooting for you, Jen! - Ellen
Wow great post. Good on you. Damn that stuff is hard to give up.. especially if you have 'fun' 'drinking buddies' that just want to come and party with the 'fun' you. You are brave and strong and I believe in you xxx
ReplyDeleteBeen in and out of blog land myself - and of course the drinking - and you are much braver than me in really telling it like it is and being so honest with yourself - something I really struggle with. I cannot admit failure and thus dropped all the wonderful friends I had supporting me, when I drank again. You are here and I admire that so much. I was reading your blog and you are more than 10 years younger than me and I wish like crazy I had your insight into drinking when I was your age. I was still firmly in the land of denial. So whilst you are beating yourself up, I find an awful lot to admire about you.
ReplyDeleteHi Jen
ReplyDeleteMy comment above was actually supposed to be to your previous post. I have just read the above post and my admiration for you has soared even higher. Well done girl. You are amazing.
Jen, I am another one that fell down after nine months and am climbing back up. There is nothing, I repeat nothing to be embarrassed about. This is hard work and you are doing it. I can't imagine how hard it was to walk into that meeting, but you did. You should be proud of yourself. We are.
ReplyDeleteAs for the child's step-mom, she was there too. She was most likely thinking the same thing you were, hoping she didn't see anyone she knows. If anyone should have compassion and understanding I would hope it would be her. Remember, we come from all walks of life. Doctors, moms, soccer coaches, waitresses, teachers, store clerk, ministers..........you are not alone.
You rocked this thing you know that right?
ReplyDeleteYep...you sure as hell did.
Sherry