I've been keeping myself so busy that I have little time to blog. This is making me lose focus.
I've gotten involved in a few projects at work, just ran a 10 KM race and finished at my personal best, working on spring cleaning in my house, sold my camp which made me a little sad....and at the end of the day I just want to sleep....I literally crash and burn.
I'm on Day 41 today and feel excited that I will soon be at the highest amount of "sober days" I've ever had!. I think my record was around 50ish.
However, all this keeping busy stuff is making me tired and craving alcohol just so that I can feel relaxed. I haven't been able to meditate. There is way too much to think about!
Keeping busy is helping my mind stay on track during my sobriety but I'm also mentally fatigued. I'm keeping myself so busy that I'm avoiding feeling the feelings I should be feeling. Thoughts of booze are entering the mind lately and I'm feeling vulnerable again. Part of me keeps saying I'm gonna have a great summer and just drink and party with my buddies. Another part says, fuck that! It is not what I really want!
I did so good up to now! Why would I want to go back to my old miserable, feel like shit, hangover days? Well for one, my mind thinks that's what I want. It needs to have some calmness. It's not getting it lately.
This weekend will be nice and quiet. I need to get back on track, catch up on some personal reading, maybe get the pedicure I promised myself.
I probably don't even make sense cause I'm so damn tired......but I'm sober!! I'm effin sober!
Goodnight!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
I Closed My Eyes for a Second
Last night, I closed my eyes for a second.
When I opened them I was sitting at a bar with my friends. I had 120 bucks in my pocket and I was convinced that I wasn't going to spend it on booze. I drank water while my friend ordered their drinks.
A few hours later, I was sitting at the bar chugging down some beer quickly for last call. I reached into my pocket and only had 20 dollars left. Shit, I was pissed! I drank my money away....again. How the fuck was I going to get home, I thought?
I hopped into a cab with my friend and dropped her off first. She left her share of the cab fare and I told the driver to bring me home but I only had 20 bucks left. I made it home and when I stepped out of the cab to pay the driver, I reached into my pocket and found that I had 100 bucks. I guess I didn't spend my money after all! I must have been dreaming! I woke up feeling very relieved that I was really dreaming and I didn't spend my money or drink with my drunken friends.
Last night, I closed my eyes for a second, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I looked over at my daughter and was extremely grateful that I was only dreaming.....grateful that I had no hangover!
I dreamed that I was dreaming that I was drinking. It was crazy. Don't know if it even makes any sense to you readers. It makes sense to me.
I always brought 120 bucks when I went to the bar. I always got home with a small amount of pocket change. I haven't spent money on alcohol in 31 days! I'm loving it! I'm definitely going to see a difference in my budgeting plans. I've decided to treat myself to a pedicure and a manicure this month. I will make an appointment for this week. I haven't done anything special for me for a very long time. I could never afford it because I spent a lot of money on alcohol related activities.
The month of December, I spent:
Nov 30: 54.60
Dec 17. 16.25
Dec 18. 16.25
Dec20. 37.80
Dec21. 21.90
Dec24. 76.15
Dec27. 29.90
Dec31. 41.95
Total 294.80
In one month, this is what I spent on booze!! In one year at this rate, I would have spent $3537.60. That's enough for a nice trip to Europe, or Jamaica, or Dominican Republic. I've never traveled to anywhere outside Canada. I plan on taking a trip for sure this year. I will save this money up into an account so I can live my life and see the world.
God Bless
Day 31
When I opened them I was sitting at a bar with my friends. I had 120 bucks in my pocket and I was convinced that I wasn't going to spend it on booze. I drank water while my friend ordered their drinks.
A few hours later, I was sitting at the bar chugging down some beer quickly for last call. I reached into my pocket and only had 20 dollars left. Shit, I was pissed! I drank my money away....again. How the fuck was I going to get home, I thought?
I hopped into a cab with my friend and dropped her off first. She left her share of the cab fare and I told the driver to bring me home but I only had 20 bucks left. I made it home and when I stepped out of the cab to pay the driver, I reached into my pocket and found that I had 100 bucks. I guess I didn't spend my money after all! I must have been dreaming! I woke up feeling very relieved that I was really dreaming and I didn't spend my money or drink with my drunken friends.
Last night, I closed my eyes for a second, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I looked over at my daughter and was extremely grateful that I was only dreaming.....grateful that I had no hangover!
I dreamed that I was dreaming that I was drinking. It was crazy. Don't know if it even makes any sense to you readers. It makes sense to me.
I always brought 120 bucks when I went to the bar. I always got home with a small amount of pocket change. I haven't spent money on alcohol in 31 days! I'm loving it! I'm definitely going to see a difference in my budgeting plans. I've decided to treat myself to a pedicure and a manicure this month. I will make an appointment for this week. I haven't done anything special for me for a very long time. I could never afford it because I spent a lot of money on alcohol related activities.
The month of December, I spent:
Nov 30: 54.60
Dec 17. 16.25
Dec 18. 16.25
Dec20. 37.80
Dec21. 21.90
Dec24. 76.15
Dec27. 29.90
Dec31. 41.95
Total 294.80
In one month, this is what I spent on booze!! In one year at this rate, I would have spent $3537.60. That's enough for a nice trip to Europe, or Jamaica, or Dominican Republic. I've never traveled to anywhere outside Canada. I plan on taking a trip for sure this year. I will save this money up into an account so I can live my life and see the world.
God Bless
Day 31
Sunday, April 7, 2013
The Energy Thief
I got into a new ebook this weekend, after pulling through a tough Friday night of stress and life. It's called "How to Beat the Energy Thieves and Make Your Life Better" by Jess Miller. You can download it for free at www.EnergyThieves.com
It describes what is really happening to our energy when we reach out for that one sweet, innocent, lifeless, bloodsucking drink. Here is a quote I'm pulling from the book that I just can't put into my own words.
The energy thieves have but one objective, to tear your life apart and stop you accessing and using your true powers to find and follow your true purpose as a happy, fulfilled and content human being filled with good purpose and living a beneficial existence for you and those around you.
What an amazing quote!! Perfect for me at this point in my life as I search for my purpose on earth. I have been searching for my purpose, spirituality and calmness in my life for so many years!! How do I expect to get that when I've been giving alcohol all of my energy? I think that the more I learn about myself as a sober person, the more I like me. I don't want to give my energy to wine or beer anymore. I want to keep it so that I can continue to accomplish my goals in life, to be a better mom, more compassionate and giving to others, rich, and healthy.
Here is a glass of wine. Lifeless. Look at it closely. It has no energy. There's no harm in that sweet, innocent glass.........................................until.....
It steals our energy!!! Swirls around in the glass waiting for you to pick it up and give it YOUR energy!! The energy you had to accomplish the things you were supposed to accomplish!
We think it's helping us get through a tough day, or deal with all the bullshit life brings us, but it doesn't! It makes us feel different! NOT Better! And definitely not better the next day, when we have to deal with dehydration and hangovers!
I'm done with it! I'm not giving booze my energy anymore! I'm going to keep it for me! I'm going to keep it for the people in my life that need me! This is how I will find my happiness! I know it is. I'm tired of being tired! Energy-less! Unhealthy!
God Bless
Jen
Day twenty-friggen-five!!
It describes what is really happening to our energy when we reach out for that one sweet, innocent, lifeless, bloodsucking drink. Here is a quote I'm pulling from the book that I just can't put into my own words.
The energy thieves have but one objective, to tear your life apart and stop you accessing and using your true powers to find and follow your true purpose as a happy, fulfilled and content human being filled with good purpose and living a beneficial existence for you and those around you.
What an amazing quote!! Perfect for me at this point in my life as I search for my purpose on earth. I have been searching for my purpose, spirituality and calmness in my life for so many years!! How do I expect to get that when I've been giving alcohol all of my energy? I think that the more I learn about myself as a sober person, the more I like me. I don't want to give my energy to wine or beer anymore. I want to keep it so that I can continue to accomplish my goals in life, to be a better mom, more compassionate and giving to others, rich, and healthy.
Here is a glass of wine. Lifeless. Look at it closely. It has no energy. There's no harm in that sweet, innocent glass.........................................until.....
 |
| Taken from Google Images |
...WE GIVE IT ALL OUR ENERGY!
 |
| Taken from Google Images |
It steals our energy!!! Swirls around in the glass waiting for you to pick it up and give it YOUR energy!! The energy you had to accomplish the things you were supposed to accomplish!
We think it's helping us get through a tough day, or deal with all the bullshit life brings us, but it doesn't! It makes us feel different! NOT Better! And definitely not better the next day, when we have to deal with dehydration and hangovers!
I'm done with it! I'm not giving booze my energy anymore! I'm going to keep it for me! I'm going to keep it for the people in my life that need me! This is how I will find my happiness! I know it is. I'm tired of being tired! Energy-less! Unhealthy!
God Bless
Jen
Day twenty-friggen-five!!
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Searching for Something
I've been searching for peace and serenity for a very long time. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find my spirituality. I've read so many self-help books on alcoholism, alcoholics, healthy eating, depression, finding my purpose, prayer, God, meditation, health... the list goes on and on. I'm almost tired of searching for something that doesn't seem to exist for me.
I didn't feel peaceful when I was drinking and now I sure as heck don't always feel peaceful. Stress is a very big part of my life! I know it's a part of everyone's lives. Why do some people seem to deal with their stress so much easier than me? Some people seem calm, cool and collected in the middle of a crisis, while my insides rage with anger and adrenaline when my life turns chaotic.
Meditation Class. I'm loving it. I do admit that while I practice meditation in my house, I fall asleep. When I asked my meditation teacher why, he said that I was exhausted. He told me that I was running on adrenaline and if I don't make changes to my chaotic lifestyle, I will have a heart attack before I know it. He said I exercise too much and he gave me shit for putting my body through all my morning runs. He said I eat too much crap, don't get enough sleep, work too hard....
I just sat there in awe. Wasn't really sure what to say. I didn't think I was doing too much. I was just trying to survive.
He assured me that practicing the meditation techniques would give me the same benefits that exercise, eating healthy and sleep bring to my life.
So, I've been practicing. Still falling asleep. Haven't changed my exercise routines yet. I registered for a 10 KM so I can't stop running now.
It's also what has been keeping me grounded, healthy, away from alcohol. When I run, I don't drink.
I will meditate more. I believe that meditation will clear my mind from the stresses in my life. I will find my spirit and live in spirit. I will try to lead a calmer, more balanced lifestyle. I'm tired of chaos. I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me, trying to convince me to drink.
I've started reading "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama. My meditation teacher recommended it to me. The first thing he says is that happiness is the purpose of life. I will find happiness within my spirit and soul.
I'm trying to deal with everything with a clear mind, no alcohol to fog it up, no anti-depressants to avoid the feelings it has. I do a lot so that I can keep my mind and body busy but know that it is probably way too much. I am running on adrenaline. I'm tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired.
I've got so much to discover about who I am!
Jen
Day22
I didn't feel peaceful when I was drinking and now I sure as heck don't always feel peaceful. Stress is a very big part of my life! I know it's a part of everyone's lives. Why do some people seem to deal with their stress so much easier than me? Some people seem calm, cool and collected in the middle of a crisis, while my insides rage with anger and adrenaline when my life turns chaotic.
Meditation Class. I'm loving it. I do admit that while I practice meditation in my house, I fall asleep. When I asked my meditation teacher why, he said that I was exhausted. He told me that I was running on adrenaline and if I don't make changes to my chaotic lifestyle, I will have a heart attack before I know it. He said I exercise too much and he gave me shit for putting my body through all my morning runs. He said I eat too much crap, don't get enough sleep, work too hard....
I just sat there in awe. Wasn't really sure what to say. I didn't think I was doing too much. I was just trying to survive.
He assured me that practicing the meditation techniques would give me the same benefits that exercise, eating healthy and sleep bring to my life.
So, I've been practicing. Still falling asleep. Haven't changed my exercise routines yet. I registered for a 10 KM so I can't stop running now.
It's also what has been keeping me grounded, healthy, away from alcohol. When I run, I don't drink.
I will meditate more. I believe that meditation will clear my mind from the stresses in my life. I will find my spirit and live in spirit. I will try to lead a calmer, more balanced lifestyle. I'm tired of chaos. I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me, trying to convince me to drink.
I've started reading "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama. My meditation teacher recommended it to me. The first thing he says is that happiness is the purpose of life. I will find happiness within my spirit and soul.
I'm trying to deal with everything with a clear mind, no alcohol to fog it up, no anti-depressants to avoid the feelings it has. I do a lot so that I can keep my mind and body busy but know that it is probably way too much. I am running on adrenaline. I'm tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired.
I've got so much to discover about who I am!
Jen
Day22
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