I've been searching for peace and serenity for a very long time. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find my spirituality. I've read so many self-help books on alcoholism, alcoholics, healthy eating, depression, finding my purpose, prayer, God, meditation, health... the list goes on and on. I'm almost tired of searching for something that doesn't seem to exist for me.
I didn't feel peaceful when I was drinking and now I sure as heck don't always feel peaceful. Stress is a very big part of my life! I know it's a part of everyone's lives. Why do some people seem to deal with their stress so much easier than me? Some people seem calm, cool and collected in the middle of a crisis, while my insides rage with anger and adrenaline when my life turns chaotic.
Meditation Class. I'm loving it. I do admit that while I practice meditation in my house, I fall asleep. When I asked my meditation teacher why, he said that I was exhausted. He told me that I was running on adrenaline and if I don't make changes to my chaotic lifestyle, I will have a heart attack before I know it. He said I exercise too much and he gave me shit for putting my body through all my morning runs. He said I eat too much crap, don't get enough sleep, work too hard....
I just sat there in awe. Wasn't really sure what to say. I didn't think I was doing too much. I was just trying to survive.
He assured me that practicing the meditation techniques would give me the same benefits that exercise, eating healthy and sleep bring to my life.
So, I've been practicing. Still falling asleep. Haven't changed my exercise routines yet. I registered for a 10 KM so I can't stop running now.
It's also what has been keeping me grounded, healthy, away from alcohol. When I run, I don't drink.
I will meditate more. I believe that meditation will clear my mind from the stresses in my life. I will find my spirit and live in spirit. I will try to lead a calmer, more balanced lifestyle. I'm tired of chaos. I'm tired of my mind playing tricks on me, trying to convince me to drink.
I've started reading "The Art of Happiness" by Dalai Lama. My meditation teacher recommended it to me. The first thing he says is that happiness is the purpose of life. I will find happiness within my spirit and soul.
I'm trying to deal with everything with a clear mind, no alcohol to fog it up, no anti-depressants to avoid the feelings it has. I do a lot so that I can keep my mind and body busy but know that it is probably way too much. I am running on adrenaline. I'm tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired.
I've got so much to discover about who I am!
Jen
Day22
Ah love...you are heading in the right direction for sure. Go very gently and be easy on yourself. Run if you need to. Meditate. Fall asleep. Eat crap one day. Then eat well the next. Run some more. Meditate. Fall asleep. File your nails. Remember to look out the kitchen window and notice something lovely. Meditate. Don't fall asleep this time. Run. Don't drink. Find something nice outside the bathroom window and remember to look at it when you brush your teeth. Run. Meditate. Do everything you are doing. You are doing great! Time will pass and you will work out what works for you. In the meantime you are heading in absolutely the right direction - right on! Sending love from afar xxxx
ReplyDeleteI was so exhausted when I first got sober. I slept...hard...and a lot. My brain went into overdrive and was more annoying than ever...and it refused to shut the fuck up no mater how long I meditated. I was a bitch and completely stressed out all the time.
ReplyDeleteBut I allowed myself this time to heal. I pictured myself as a gaping wound, red, raw and painful. I needed time to scab over and heal.
There was no zen.
But, little by little it came, and because I no longer escaped with wine, I learned how to cope. And with new coping skills came serenity.
Try to relax and just accept yourself for what and who you are right now. Do what Mrs. D says and give yourself a break.
Serenity is waiting and you deserve it.
Sherry
I too had to keep busy to stay sober in the beginning too! Matter of fact I had my days filled from 8 am to 10 pm none-stop, that would only leave 2h before stores closed and I couldn’t buy any alcohol. It kept me sober! And serenity and peace… well, I tried to find it out there somewhere too, but I think that it comes when your heart is at peace. The longer I am sober, the more I forgive myself and others, the more shame and guilt I drop, the more my side of the street is clean - the more I feel at peace inside and then I am able to find serenity. It will come, give yourself that time and be kind to you!
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