I woke up yesterday and thought "This will be Day 2"
I didn't have a drink the day before.
I went for a run. It was short. I drank the last month away and forgot to run. How can I do that? I finished a 10 KM race in April and achieved my personal best of 51 minutes. Anyhow, it happens. Shit happens!
The point is I ran! I love to run! I belong out there, under the blue skies and sunshine! Feeling the clean fresh air run through my lungs as I push my legs and body forward. It's exhilarating! Almost like a good buzz!!
I got home and searched for an AA meeting. Thought to myself, this is it! My day! 7PM Women's Group. Perfect!
Met my sister for dinner. Wanted to tell her about meeting! We talked about me and new boyfriend problems. I ordered a huge Ceasar. Fuck.
Met my boyfriend. We talked. Worked things out.
I came home. Poured a glass of red wine. Two. Ok. Three. Ate popcorn. Crashed. Slept like a baby!
Not hungover. But stuck here today. Wondering why?
I don't want it bad enough yet. I don't think I can do it forever. I loose focus so friggen easily. Like its just in my nature to grab that drink.
Habit!
I didn't think I could stop. never. never never now I don't drink one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteyou did take a step by looking up a meeting.
I hope you look up another meeting and go. I say that because it has helped me so much esp womens meeting. I know what it felt like to suffer and it really sucked.
I was just reading some blogs and stumbled across yours today. I tried blogging for a bit but always felt like I ended up drinking again so why bother? I am so glad to come across your blog this am. I too want to stop so badly but love it so much. I have been focusing on drinking less, obsessed with only drinking one glass of wine an hour and limit to 3. Some nights it works, the past two nights it hasn't. I too dont think I want it badly enough. I dont want to quit forever. Just not sure what I want. I know I dont want to be obsessed with drinking too much. I want to feel like a normal person who can have a few and not drink the whole bottle. I am tired of watching other peoples glasses trying to drink slower. OK I know I am not of any help to you with this comment I just wanted to share. I think if we could break the habit we obviously would feel awesome, I just have no idea ho to get there :) Good Luck to you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad to see your post! I can feel your frustration! Sending hugs. I can relate to your journey very much, I struggled for a long time, I asked the same questions, I wondered if I can do it forever. I still wonder... But looking at it as this huge thing, I justI couldn't wrap my head around it and it seemed unattainable. But you can do this, you can do anything you put your mind to, you can run a 10km! And to get there you trained, you ran every day, and you got better. This is sort of the same, one day at a time, you do what you need - train - to stay sober! Then the days add up, like the km that you can run, and all of the sudden you can run a whole bunch of them! And it gets easier. Same with sobriety. Meetings are a huge support for me, it's my medicine, it's my training. Hugs agin. Hang in - Maggie
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