Sunday, July 28, 2013

I ain't no fallen down drunk!

I don't fall down drunk anymore like I use to when I was younger. I don't puke or blackout either.  
I'm responsible.  I take care of the shit that needs to be done.  I'm a good mom. My kids are happy. We love each other and I am very loving with them. 

I'm not an angry drunk like my father was...is...

I just want a buzz.  I crave it.  Why?  I don't know.  Because it keeps me happy and energized to do all the shit that needs to be done.  

I wouldn't even say I'm a drunk.  I'd say I'm a buzzer.    I can handle my booze now.... Not like before.   I wouldn't never get drunk where my kids could say "Mom, are you drunk?"  I've been there and it's not a good feeling.  

Is there really a way to break this fuckin cycle?  Cause I'm tired!  I'm tired of wanting the buzz!  I was born with the wanting I think!  I will die the same way!   It doesn't stop. The shit in my head. The convincing that I'm really a good person.  Just one more day. Tomorrow I'll get better.   I'm cool. Everybody loves me!  Especially when I'm buzzed. 

I don't sleep!




3 comments:

  1. I'm not sure what the answer is because its different for everyone...you'll find yours.

    But I wouldn't give up the peace that not drinking gives me for anything...to drink and start that cycle of on conversation again would mean I'd finally really and truly gone crazy. AND I would never give up being able to sleep...that is such a blessing.

    You can do this...but you have to want it bad enough to make t happen. But you CAN do it.

    Sherry

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