I'm responsible. I take care of the shit that needs to be done. I'm a good mom. My kids are happy. We love each other and I am very loving with them.
I'm not an angry drunk like my father was...is...
I just want a buzz. I crave it. Why? I don't know. Because it keeps me happy and energized to do all the shit that needs to be done.
I wouldn't even say I'm a drunk. I'd say I'm a buzzer. I can handle my booze now.... Not like before. I wouldn't never get drunk where my kids could say "Mom, are you drunk?" I've been there and it's not a good feeling.
Is there really a way to break this fuckin cycle? Cause I'm tired! I'm tired of wanting the buzz! I was born with the wanting I think! I will die the same way! It doesn't stop. The shit in my head. The convincing that I'm really a good person. Just one more day. Tomorrow I'll get better. I'm cool. Everybody loves me! Especially when I'm buzzed.
I don't sleep!
I'm not sure what the answer is because its different for everyone...you'll find yours.
ReplyDeleteBut I wouldn't give up the peace that not drinking gives me for anything...to drink and start that cycle of on conversation again would mean I'd finally really and truly gone crazy. AND I would never give up being able to sleep...that is such a blessing.
You can do this...but you have to want it bad enough to make t happen. But you CAN do it.
Sherry
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ReplyDeleteCarrie