Well...yep I'm back to my old ways. I'm drinking on a daily basis....finding only satisfaction from my first drink of coffee and Bailey's in the morning.
I haven't slept well in months. Every night, while I toss and turn, I try to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day I'm gonna get sober. Then, the sunshine rises, birds are singing, kids are sleeping and I pour the coffee and Baileys"./\
The other night I thought I was gonna win the battle. I convinced myself to be sober the next day because I had no booze left at camp after all.
By two...I convinced myself to go to the grocery store for "food". There's a liquor/beer store in the grocery store.
My daughter gets so mad at me that I have to have a beer everyday. She gives me shit because I drink it so fast...like a cold bottle of water on a hot summer day.. I convinced her that I'm holidays and I'm only having a couple....like a pop would be for her. I\m good at hiding extra empties. I told her it was my only fault and how a good mother I was....and she should be happy that I am able to take care of her. I am responsible. What the fuck! Wish she'd just back off!\
She's so controlling...just like my ex was!
There is a constant wanting that goes through my body..... wanting to just get a little buzz on....so that I don't have to think and deal with any stresses....just be happy..... I always want!
I only have 4 beers in the fridge right now and that is stressful because it's only 6. I will visit neighbours. They offer me beer.