Well...yep I'm back to my old ways. I'm drinking on a daily basis....finding only satisfaction from my first drink of coffee and Bailey's in the morning.
I haven't slept well in months. Every night, while I toss and turn, I try to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day I'm gonna get sober. Then, the sunshine rises, birds are singing, kids are sleeping and I pour the coffee and Baileys"./\
The other night I thought I was gonna win the battle. I convinced myself to be sober the next day because I had no booze left at camp after all.
By two...I convinced myself to go to the grocery store for "food". There's a liquor/beer store in the grocery store.
My daughter gets so mad at me that I have to have a beer everyday. She gives me shit because I drink it so fast...like a cold bottle of water on a hot summer day.. I convinced her that I'm holidays and I'm only having a couple....like a pop would be for her. I\m good at hiding extra empties. I told her it was my only fault and how a good mother I was....and she should be happy that I am able to take care of her. I am responsible. What the fuck! Wish she'd just back off!\
She's so controlling...just like my ex was!
There is a constant wanting that goes through my body..... wanting to just get a little buzz on....so that I don't have to think and deal with any stresses....just be happy..... I always want!
I only have 4 beers in the fridge right now and that is stressful because it's only 6. I will visit neighbours. They offer me beer.
Hi...your thinking pattern sounds like mine, at least just a short while ago, subject to change anytime. I am sitting here calm but thinking I could be you any minute but I am hoping not too. I will check back in with you soon (favorite your page :)...dust yourself off, don't give up, coach yourself, you can do this, we can do this. ~DMM
ReplyDeleteThis is what they call the mental obsession! I can so relate to your thinking, I had the same thought patterns. It took me a long time of stoping and starting, it never got better, or easier, infact it just kept getting worse. I hope you give it another try, i hope you read some of your past posts, there were some good things going on in your life! And try not to think of it as winning and loosing, but more like accepting and changing. Many hugs to you! Hang in - Maggie
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