Trying to Re-Focus!

I woke up yesterday and thought "This will be Day 2"

I didn't have a drink the day before.

I went for a run. It was short. I drank the last month away and forgot to run.  How can I do that?  I finished a 10 KM race in April and achieved my personal best of 51 minutes.  Anyhow, it happens.  Shit happens!

The point is I ran!  I love to run!   I belong out there, under the blue skies and sunshine!  Feeling the clean fresh air run through my lungs as I push my legs and body forward.  It's exhilarating!  Almost like a good buzz!!

I got home and searched for an AA meeting. Thought to myself, this is it!  My day!  7PM Women's Group.  Perfect!

Met my sister for dinner. Wanted to tell her about meeting!  We talked about me and new boyfriend problems. I ordered a huge Ceasar.   Fuck.  

Met my boyfriend. We talked.  Worked things out.

I came home. Poured a glass of red wine. Two.  Ok. Three.  Ate popcorn.  Crashed.  Slept like a baby!

Not hungover.  But stuck here today.  Wondering why?

I don't want it bad enough yet. I don't think I can do it forever.  I loose focus so friggen easily. Like its just in my nature to grab that drink.

Habit!

I ain't no fallen down drunk!

I don't fall down drunk anymore like I use to when I was younger. I don't puke or blackout either.  

I'm responsible.  I take care of the shit that needs to be done.  I'm a good mom. My kids are happy. We love each other and I am very loving with them. 

I'm not an angry drunk like my father was...is...

I just want a buzz.  I crave it.  Why?  I don't know.  Because it keeps me happy and energized to do all the shit that needs to be done.  

I wouldn't even say I'm a drunk.  I'd say I'm a buzzer.    I can handle my booze now.... Not like before.   I wouldn't never get drunk where my kids could say "Mom, are you drunk?"  I've been there and it's not a good feeling.  

Is there really a way to break this fuckin cycle?  Cause I'm tired!  I'm tired of wanting the buzz!  I was born with the wanting I think!  I will die the same way!   It doesn't stop. The shit in my head. The convincing that I'm really a good person.  Just one more day. Tomorrow I'll get better.   I'm cool. Everybody loves me!  Especially when I'm buzzed. 

I don't sleep!

I'm the same ole drunk.... wanting.....

Well...yep   I'm back to my old ways.   I'm drinking on a daily basis....finding only satisfaction from my first drink of coffee and Bailey's in the morning.
I haven't slept well in months.  Every night, while I toss and turn, I try to convince myself that tomorrow will be the day I'm gonna get sober.   Then, the sunshine rises, birds are singing, kids are sleeping and I pour the coffee and Baileys"./\
The other night I thought I was gonna win the battle.  I convinced myself to be sober the next day because I had no booze left at camp after all.
By two...I convinced myself to go to the grocery store for "food".   There's a liquor/beer store in the grocery store.

My daughter gets so mad at me that I have to have a beer everyday.  She gives me shit because I drink it so fast...like a cold bottle of water on a hot summer day.. I convinced her that I'm holidays and I'm only having a couple....like a pop would be for her.   I\m good at hiding extra empties.   I told her it was my only fault and how a good mother I was....and she should be happy that I am able to take care of her.  I am responsible.   What the fuck!   Wish she'd just back off!\

She's so controlling...just like my ex was!

There is a constant wanting that goes through my body..... wanting to just get a little buzz on....so that I don't have to think and deal with any stresses....just be happy.....  I always want!

I only have 4 beers in the fridge right now and that is stressful because it's only 6.  I will visit neighbours. They offer me beer.