Friends?

I'm wondering what you expert sober blogging buddies did when you first quit drinking.  Did you isolate yourself from your drinking buddies?  What do you do when you are expected to drink cause that's just who you are?  What do you do when you want to drink with them because you know you will have so much more fun?!
I decided not to go out on the date Friday. I stayed in and had a quiet night!  It was nice. Got to run an early morning 10 K!
But Saturday, my friends showed up at my door with bottles of wine and pizza.  They know I've been going through a little depression and have been isolating myself so I caved!   I drank with them and we laughed and drank and ate pizza!  I don't really feel guilty because its just who I am.  I'm expected to be the life of the party...and honestly, I like it!    I do feel like a bloated piece of poop though. I've worked so hard on my health and getting at my goal weight and it pisses me off that this one night put me up a few pounds!  It's so stupid!
I'm tired!

Sober Dating...Ouch!

As some of you may know, I have been solo for almost 3 years.    Dating is an experience in itself.  I could probably start up a new blog about my crazy dating experiences...but that's not my focus right now.

Dating...with drinks is awesome.   Have a few drinks, relax, nerves subside a little.  We become more comfortable with each other and our conversation becomes easy or less awkward, almost natural.   A person can even start looking better after a few glasses of wine....better than when you first set eyes on each other the first time.  And after an evening of drinking, you may even do things with a stranger that you would have never done, if you were sober.   Regrets the next day?   Oh yes!   Been there, done that!
I almost don't want to quit drinking because part of me, in my crazy head that doesn't stop chattering, wants a man that can have fun with me, keep up with me....have a few drinks at the end of the day and mingle with me.  It seems like for my 10 years of marriage, I missed having a partner to have fun with.   My ex didn't drink, didn't socialize or didn't even like having people around.  I've been craving a partner to share that with.  I really don't know any other way to live.   I don't know how to have a relationship as a sober person.  Do I stay with someone that drinks now that I'm trying to find myself as a sober person?  Do I only date someone that doesn't drink because it will be much easier for me?

Dating as a sober person....that's going to be extremely difficult.   There aren't too many people (men) out there that just don't drink.   Seems like everyone drinks!  
I have been on a date as a sober person (last summer) and it was a little awkward, especially when I was set up by a good friend of mine and the man informed me that he made home-made wine.....  lots of it.   He wanted to have a drink but I made up some sort of excuse as to why I didn't want to drink that night.  We did have small talk and it went well....but he sure talked about his wines a lot (he was Italian).   Of course, my first thought was 'I definitely can't see him again'.  
Before Lent, I went on a date with a man named 'A'.  We had a few drinks, chatted, enjoyed each other's company.  Well, 'A' wants to see me again tomorrow night.  It's Friday night and I've been sober since last week!  Do I tell him that I gave up booze for Lent?  Do I tell him the truth and say I'm allergic to alcohol?    I have debated all week as to whether I should see him again.  How am I supposed to go on a second date with someone, after I've given up booze?   It's so freegin awkward!   I backed out today, and told him that I wasn't ready for anything serious right now and we were at different places in our lives.  He said he understood, because he knows I'm going through a lot of shit with the ex.   But, he still thinks we should hang out and be friends... which is what I wanted in the first place, except for the drinking part now!

I know that I will find my perfect match one day and he will accept me as a sober person or as a drunk. I also know that I need to build my confidence again so that I could have regular conversations with a date, boozeless, and feel comfortable with who I am.  I know that I want a man that will be my friend, my partner and my confidant.  I've got a lot of work to do...on this journey of self-discovery.  I believe that God will lead me down the path that I'm supposed to go through.

I'm doing a lot of self-discoveries during this Lenten season.   I have given up other things besides alcohol.  I have had so many temptations but I'm remaining focused on my goal.  If Jesus could survive in the desert and suffer, I could survive as sober person....and suffer!

Who's to Blame?

I enjoyed reading your wonderful comments from yesterday's post.   I know I must focus on my needs and health and not worry about my neighbours or friends or coworkers.   I guess I am trying to deal with all of  these thoughts that come to mind as to why someone considers themselves an alcoholic and others not, others who drink more than me!

I think a major part of my guilt feelings when it comes to drinking comes from being married to a man who had a very negative impact on my life.  I've left him almost 3 years ago and still to this day, he is making my life a living hell.  He even had the nerve to tell my brother-in-law's father that he wasn't done with me!  Like, that would never leak out to me.....

Anyhow, for 10 years of marriage, I drank.   I drank everyday.  It was the only time I felt happy.  I could block out all the negativity that my husband would come home with, all the bad mouthing and bringing down others.

  I blamed him for me drinking so much!   He would constantly tell me that I was a drunk, just like my parents.   He was probably right but who needs to hear that from someone that is supposed to love you?  

He liked to feel like a hero when I would come home drunk and he'd have to take care of me.   He would constantly tell me he saved my life a few times.  Hero!   He watched the kids while I went to Rehab for 21 days.  Hero!   He didn't need a drink to relax or have fun.  Hero!  He still continues to send me emails rubbing all this in my face.

I don't think he really loved me now that I think of it.  I think he liked that I was weak and he felt like a hero because he had to save me once in a while.   It bothered him that I had a successful career, friends, family and lots of confidence.    He wanted me all to himself in this little bubble that I couldn't seem to bust!

I'm writing about him right now because he's been up to his manipulating tricks lately.  I need to vent.   I have been feeling very depressed and vulnerable lately and considered reconciling the marriage.

A friend of mine kicked my ass the other day!    He made me realize that love is a behaviour!   It is not just a feeling.  Someone who behaves or treats you like shit, can't possibly love you.    He enlightened me with all the stuff I've been going through over the last 3 years and reminded me just why I left him in the first place.  After all, how can I be with someone who continually calls me names, especially a drunk?  It is really affecting my mind!

I did drink everyday of our marriage.  I don't blame my ex for that anymore, because once I left the marriage, the behaviour continued.   That's when I realized I had a problem.   When I felt alone, it became my friend.   When I felt sad, it consoled me.  When I felt happy, it excited me!  Isn't that what a  husband is supposed to do?

It's me....  All me.   The cycle is in my family...has been for generations.    How can I not fall into the alcoholic trap?  Its been around me my whole life!  I became powerless over booze since I was a child!   I loved it!  Made me confident, happy, and calm.

I became dependent on alcohol like a child depends on his mother.  I don't want to depend on it anymore!  I'm tired.

Why?

Why me?   Why am I in constant struggle with the fact that I like booze so much and should be able to drink when I want?    Why do I feel guilty for having a couple drinks after work or a night cap?  Why don't I know when to stop if I'm at a social gathering?   Why am I thinking I am an alcoholic when people drink a heck of a lot more than me?   Why isn't my friend struggling or thinking she is an alcoholic when she drinks just as much as me, if not, more?    Why isn't my neighbour thinking he has a problem when he drinks on a daily basis after work?  Why doesn't my coworker think she has a problem when she comes in hungover time and time again?    Why do I feel like I wanna stop drinking?   Why can't I just drink socially and stop worrying about all this shit??

Just questions I have.  Wasn't going to post anything but the bottom part but I decided to see if anyone can help me answer some questions!
The biggest one being....Why is it, in my head, that I struggle with the fact that I may be an alcoholic and feel some sense of guilt every time I pick up a drink?


I just wanted to say thank you for your comments.  They really do mean a lot to me.  And, I love hearing the reality and truths that I need to hear!

I still haven't had a drink since Ash Wednesday..... Just saying....

I'm still really tired.....

I will hold you to your promises that it does get easier!

I'm tired!

I started reading Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp yesterday.   I'm not sure how to blog today.   I'm only sure that I've been going through a major depression.  My little sister came over today to give me shit for shutting everyone out in the family.    I don't think I am, really.  I just think I have a family that is busy and live in their own little world.   And I'm just too busy too!

Anyhow.  I'm not going to saying on Day 1 or 2 or 10 right now.   I can't say that I'm going to give up drinking again right now either.  Because my mind doesn't think I can.   I haven't had a drink since Ash Wedneday and I went to a new church today.   It's a start.  But I know how it will finish!

I read this part in the book today that I thought I'd share.  This is where I'm at right now.

And that is how it works.  Active alcoholics try and active alcoholics fail.  We make the promises and we really do try to stick with them and we keep ignoring the fact that we can't do it, keep rationalizing the third drink, or the fourth or fifth. Bad day.  I deserve a reward. I'll deal with it tomorrow. 

Well!  I felt exactly like this on Tuesday night, while I sulked and felt sorry for myself because of all the shit going on in my life!  My kids were gone, I was alone, hopped in the tub with a magnum of wine and Netflx!
Felt pretty drunk when I came out of the tub about an hour an a half later.   It was a shitty drunk.  Not fun!   Guilty!  Gross!   Fat!   Hangover at work the next day sucked too!

I'm tired guys!  Just friggen tired!