I started reading Drinking, A Love Story by Caroline Knapp yesterday. I'm not sure how to blog today. I'm only sure that I've been going through a major depression. My little sister came over today to give me shit for shutting everyone out in the family. I don't think I am, really. I just think I have a family that is busy and live in their own little world. And I'm just too busy too!
Anyhow. I'm not going to saying on Day 1 or 2 or 10 right now. I can't say that I'm going to give up drinking again right now either. Because my mind doesn't think I can. I haven't had a drink since Ash Wedneday and I went to a new church today. It's a start. But I know how it will finish!
I read this part in the book today that I thought I'd share. This is where I'm at right now.
And that is how it works. Active alcoholics try and active alcoholics fail. We make the promises and we really do try to stick with them and we keep ignoring the fact that we can't do it, keep rationalizing the third drink, or the fourth or fifth. Bad day. I deserve a reward. I'll deal with it tomorrow.
Well! I felt exactly like this on Tuesday night, while I sulked and felt sorry for myself because of all the shit going on in my life! My kids were gone, I was alone, hopped in the tub with a magnum of wine and Netflx!
Felt pretty drunk when I came out of the tub about an hour an a half later. It was a shitty drunk. Not fun! Guilty! Gross! Fat! Hangover at work the next day sucked too!
I'm tired guys! Just friggen tired!
I know...it's hard. It's hard when the bitch in your head just will not shut the fuck up! It seems that no matter what you do...it's not the right thing.
ReplyDeleteIf you drink, you feel like shit about yourself, who you are and what you are doing. That dialogue in your head just goes round and round and round and just WILL NOT BE QUIET!!!!! It's exhausting!
But if you don't drink it's WORSE! Now you have a different diaglogue going on AND you have physical cravings AND you are actually feeling all those feelings that you seek to numb.
No wonder you're tired! Who could blame you?
But I promise that you can stop the dialogue and shut that bitch up once and for all. Plus, you can replace her with her much nicer cousin who starts out quiet, but then begins to tell you only good things about yourself.
I promise it gets easier...cross my heart.
Sherry
I feel ya totally, been there too! But don't give up, keep trying, one day at a time! We're here rooting for you. You will be ok. {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteNot everyone gets sober on their first (or fifth) try. Most people don't. Just keep trying! That's a great book, btw. I only read it recently but it would have helped a lot in the early days. She writes so eloquently and honestly.
ReplyDelete