What to be?

Well, I'm here.  At day 50.  I honestly don't feel as excited as I was when I reached Day 40.  Isn't that messed.  

I'm so close to beating my record of non-drinking days.  I do feel more empowered than I ever did before.  But, I'm also lonelier.  

My buddy invited me to go help her paint her house tonight.  I know it will be an activity where alcohol is involved.  I have been avoiding her for 50 days.    And, she is going through a messy separation.  I haven't been there to support her at all.  What a suck ass friend I've been.  She must think I don't like her anymore and I could see despair in her eyes every time she wants to get together and I have an excuse not to.

Yesterday, I read someone's blog really quickly.   It got me thinking of what type of personality I am.... and it's ironic that types of personalities were also discussed at a workshop I attended yesterday.  

I was an extroverted person.....50 days ago.....but lately I'm feeling very introverted.   I don't feel like talking to anyone or being around anyone.  I'm not sure why.  I just want to be alone, to do the shit that I need to do and take care of the stuff that is on my to-do list.  I have decided to study these two types of personality to find out if one can go from being extrovert to introvert. Can one even change personalities or are we wired to be one or the other?

Does anyone have any good reads on this subject?

The big question for me today is :  Extrovert or Introvert......what to be?

Trouble Breathing

I am literally having trouble breathing with the stress in my life.  I've taken on too much.  I don't even have time to blog or read blogs and now....I'm caught ....thinking way too much of a way out.   I want to drink!

Last year, when I reached 50 days... I drank a few days later.   Now, I know why!  I feel the same friggen way.  I haven't been around adults in almost 50 days, besides the work setting.   I'm fucking exhausted, going through this divorce with an asshole, my kids are selfish and disrespectful.....now I'm the manager of a hockey team, I'm a leader of a group at work, and my boss asked me to take on another project that begins next year and ends next year.   I didn't hand in shit that was due yesterday.  My house is a friggen mess....  I don't even know why!  Yes it's easy to say....just say no Jen....but you must know that's easier said than done!

I  can't keep up!  

I went to meditation class tonight and had a total melt down after the session.   Strangers were hugging me because I couldn't stop crying.  Now, even though I haven't had a good cry in a very long time and my body probably needed it, that was just plain embarrassing.   Why was I upset?  Someone was laughing in the hall, and it was distracting me from my 20 minutes of meditation ....the ME time I get to myself once a week.    The only 20 minutes I get in a week to get out of my mind and body.   I couldn't tonight because of that asshole, who knew we were all in there trying to meditate, was rude and inconsiderate.!


The coach looked at me and said' "ahh...good.... goood for you....it's all part of the release....you needed that..."    yadda, yadda, yadda.   What the fuck does he know what I need?     I know what I need and you all know what this fucked up mind is thinking.   

I know I need to go to bed ...like an hour ago.   I'm going to watch TV for an hour under my big soft warm blankets and go to bed. 


I forgot to take my Vitamin Bs today ...damn it!

Friday Night Ritual

Conversation between my drinking buddy and I last night!

**First Excuse....

*** 2nd Excuse.....
















Still sober!  Sometimes miss my drinking buddies.... but don't really miss the drinking part.....
I'm feeling so healthy right now.....i don't want to change that....

I'm glad I said no....  made me realize that I'm not a bad friend for saying no.....my friend was trying to fill her boredom.....it wasn't about me at all!

40!

Sober Celebration for me today!  

I know it's only 40 days, but I love the number 40!  I'm 40 something and my life really began at the age of 40!   40 Rocks!!  I love being 40!  I love that I've been sober for 40 days!  I'm celebrating with my tea, blankie and Season 3 of Breaking Bad.  (also reading blogs, posting and reading my new book!)

Have a great night!  Be kind to yourself and your body!  We only have one life, one body! Love it!  Live it!  Be fully alive everyday!!

40 days ago I was I wreck!  A total mess!  Spiralling out of Control!  I never want to go back there!  Ever

Day 39!

You must try this!
Drink with straw!

Today, I must say, was the first day that I had a craving for a cold glass of iced water with lemon.  I've been drinking that all week to quench my thirst and maybe the lemon has been helping but I was content with that feeling.  It doesn't happen very often, or I could say hasn't happened very often ....



I'm almost at the 40 mark....That means I'm about 10 closer to beating my record of sober days!!  Woot Woot!!






Gaining weight has been an issue that I've been trying to deal with....I like my slim body and feel good in it....maybe cause I'm single....but that's how I like it.  I don't feel comfortable when I let myself go and eat like shit.   I must admit that eating like shit was part of my plan to help me quit drinking.  I ate sweets, salts, pastas, creamy sauces, pizza, coffee and cream.....  all that as a treat to me!   Heck, I gave up my best friend!  BEER!  My BFF is gone..... so I replaced her with something else.

I broke some of those crazy drinking habits that I was in and now that I've dealt with a few firsts....I'm ready to focus on loosing this ass!   Damn it, my pants are tight!

So...I stumbled on a blog I've been following "Oh, for the Love of me...." and she discusses The Whole 30 program that she's been following.  

30 days of clean eating!!!!   I signed up and started today!  I feel amazing.  Went out and bought the book "It Starts With Food" and will start reading it, in between blogging and catching up on Breaking Bad....I'm just starting season 3.  (I had to get into something, while I laid under my blankets on those Friday nights.  



My ex causes me a lot of grief.  Sometimes my kids are pain in the asses.   Sometimes people piss me off.  When I feel the urge to snap, crackle and pop, I take a Vitamin B with GABA....see picture on side of post.   I swear that these vitamins keep my heart from bulging out of my chest.  They are a calming vitamin....very natural.   I don't work for the company nor get paid to advertise.  I'm just a plain chick trying to find other ways of dealing with stress, instead of resorting to the calming effects of alcohol.    I take this vitamin at least 3 times a day, especially when feeling stressed.  Is it all in my head?  I don't think that matters.   It works for me.  It may work for you!

Goodnight!

See you all tomorrow for my 40th day celebration!!!!

I think I'm going to create a new blog.......   How to lose weight you've gained after quitting drinking....lol

Empowerment!

Today, I woke up and read a couple of blogs and messages ....

I feel empowered today!  I feel empowered every morning when I wake up feeling alive again.  I wake up thinking...fucken sweet....I didn't fall for the voice in my head that tried to convince me to drink last night.  I won!  

I am 42 years old.  I have struggled with alcohol since I was 17 years old, stealing beer from my mom's cases and stealing vodka from the house I babysat at.....  

I tried to quit drinking and tried so hard to break the alcoholic cycle in my family for so many years.

I am doing it today!  I want to do it forever!  I want my kids to continue to have the best mom in the world.  The one that is in control of shit around here.  The one that says "no" and means it!  The one that has rules and consequences for negative behaviour.  I am finally a mom to my children!

My house is organized.  My work is organized.  My body is starting to get healthier....just need to stop eating junk....but I deserve it for now.

I received a message this morning on one of my post which truly inspired me to continue my sober journey, even though some days I want to crawl in a hole.   Helping and inspiring someone has made this journey worth every effort it took to get here.   I feel empowered today!  

I would love to help and inspire anybody that has been in my situations.  If you read my blogs, you know it hasn't been easy for me.  It's been a roller coaster ride for a few years now.  I created a new email address and would love to chat with you when you want to reach out.  

Please don't hesitate to email me at jenssoberhelp@hotmail.com.   I am definitely not a professional sober person.  I am just a lady trying to live sober and healthy just like you.  ... and I'm not in it for the money either.    :)   If I could help one single person in the world, I've served my purpose here on Earth.  

God Bless

Jen
Day 37!   Yay!

Day 36 -

I'm not sure what to call this post!   I continue to have my ups and downs.  

Day 36 is definitely easier than day 5 was or day 10.    We must keep busy that's for sure.....or sometimes just crawl into bed with a bowl of popcorn and a movie.

My poor friend doesn't want to understand that I don't want to drink anymore.  She continues to ask me to get together.  I told her I would do dinner and movies and that's it.   Part of me would love to drop everything and have a night of partay but I know where that one night will lead me.   I've been there about 15 times in the last 7 years.  I would start off slowly drinking until I find myself picking something up at the liquor store every other day.  I would then begin to hide my booze so that my children don't see it or me drinking it.  I would then start drinking heavily when my kids are away because then I wouldn't have to hide it.  I'd have parties here because everyone leaves their left-over bottles here and it usually gives me a "free" drinking week.  I would spend money I should be saving.  I would develop insomnia again and toss and turn on a nightly basis because I'm afraid to have a hangover.   Hangovers would start up and I would find myself drinking by noon the next day to "cure" my hangover.  I would find myself making excuses to stay home, so that I didn't have to drive.  I would stop running and taking care of my body.  I would feel bloated and get baggs under my eyes.  

Fuck that cycle!  I am not going there again.  I know that this is exactly where I would find myself because i've been there at least 15 times in the last 7 years!  Fuck it!  I'm passing my record of sober days.....50 was the longest..... It's about time I learn my lesson.

I've gained about 11 pounds since my quit date.  It reminds me of when I quit smoking about 12 years ago.  I gained weight then too.   I guess when we break off our addictive relationship, we become emotional eaters and I am definitely one of those.  I feel like I'm just feeding one addiction with another.  I'm obsessed with junk food, aka....chips and ice cream!    I also feel like if I keep my belly full, it breaks the thirst quench that I get way too often.  

Now I begin to focus on losing that 11 pounds I gained.....

I will try really hard to eat healthy, whole grain foods.  ....the paleo way!  I believe that this way of living is the best solution for me.