Why me? Why am I in constant struggle with the fact that I like booze so much and should be able to drink when I want? Why do I feel guilty for having a couple drinks after work or a night cap? Why don't I know when to stop if I'm at a social gathering? Why am I thinking I am an alcoholic when people drink a heck of a lot more than me? Why isn't my friend struggling or thinking she is an alcoholic when she drinks just as much as me, if not, more? Why isn't my neighbour thinking he has a problem when he drinks on a daily basis after work? Why doesn't my coworker think she has a problem when she comes in hungover time and time again? Why do I feel like I wanna stop drinking? Why can't I just drink socially and stop worrying about all this shit??
Just questions I have. Wasn't going to post anything but the bottom part but I decided to see if anyone can help me answer some questions!
The biggest one being....Why is it, in my head, that I struggle with the fact that I may be an alcoholic and feel some sense of guilt every time I pick up a drink?
I just wanted to say thank you for your comments. They really do mean a lot to me. And, I love hearing the reality and truths that I need to hear!
I still haven't had a drink since Ash Wednesday..... Just saying....
I'm still really tired.....
I will hold you to your promises that it does get easier!
Awww. Hard questions to answer. I like thinking of it as an allergy, I cannot drink because my body reacts to alcohol differently than most people. I like to compare it to a seafood allergy my boss has; she can eat shellfish but she never knows how much would cause her to have a just a little reaction, maybe just a rash, or a full blown allergy attach which would sent her to the ER. No one knows why she has it either. So that's what I have, an allergy.
ReplyDeleteAs far as the other people, well that is their business, and they may think that they have a problem, but they wouldn't tell you, I mean who just says that, right.
The truth is that you are the only one that can decide whether you have a problem or not. And it can be a real hard decision- the AA Step 1 begins with: "Who cares to admit complete defeat? Practically no one, of course. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness."
But in fact it only seems like it's powerlessness, the truth is that it gives you power to change the course of your life. And when you are ready, you will know which is the right path for you.
Hugs. Keep writing!
not only does it get easier, but it gets much much better. if you could give yourself the gift of 90 days sober, you'd see something pretty amazing. if you stop and start, it sucks, and the noise in your head gets too loud (i know! for me the thinking about drinking is why i finally quit). ok, maybe you're not an alcoholic. who cares. i'm not interested in labels anyway :) how about you go for 90 days with nothing to drink, and then see how you feel. you can decide to drink then if you want to... but probably you'll like how you feel. there IS something better then booze. booze is hiding; the real world is much better than hiding. Promise. You can hold me to that ;)
ReplyDeleteLast fall I was for some reason really struggling with that issue of why drinking too much (in my opinion) doesn't bother some people. I was feeling a lot of resentment and it was eating me up. At one point someone asked me "why do you care what other people do? you're happier not drinking, right?" It doesn't sound profound now, but it really helped me in that moment. Every time I compare myself to others, I wind up miserable...so I try not to. I know I wasn't happy with my drinking, and I didn't want to live like that anymore. p.s. I am much, much happier now. It does get easier. Promise.
ReplyDeleteI used to ask myself those same questions, over and over and over and over. Until I took a good look and decided to answer those questions...
ReplyDeleteBecause I'm an alcoholic. And because I don't know what anyone else is thinking or struggling with - no one would have known what was going on in my head constantly. On the outside I looked "normal". Anyway, I also decided I couldn't worry about what was going on inside their heads when I was having so much trouble cleaning out my own.
It will get easier. I promise. Just tell yourself you're giving it up for Lent and then reassess after Easter. Seriously, just hang in their for Lent and then you can take a look at how you feel and what you want to do.
And keep blogging about it. This community is amazing.
Sherry
I am right there with you!! My last drink was Fat Tuesday! It has felt really good this week to be sober. Your story sounds like my story. I was just so tired of the chatter in my head, trying to decide if I have a problem or not. I like the way sober feels. I am not drinking today . I announced I gave alcohol up for Lent to be accountable to those around me and get a jump start without a lot of questions. Today, I have no intention of continuing to drink after Lent - because there just seems to be no benefit. It is losing it's appeal. Thank you for your blog. This sober community is amazing...everyone has helped me so much this week!
ReplyDeleteJenny