I think a major part of my guilt feelings when it comes to drinking comes from being married to a man who had a very negative impact on my life. I've left him almost 3 years ago and still to this day, he is making my life a living hell. He even had the nerve to tell my brother-in-law's father that he wasn't done with me! Like, that would never leak out to me.....
Anyhow, for 10 years of marriage, I drank. I drank everyday. It was the only time I felt happy. I could block out all the negativity that my husband would come home with, all the bad mouthing and bringing down others.
I blamed him for me drinking so much! He would constantly tell me that I was a drunk, just like my parents. He was probably right but who needs to hear that from someone that is supposed to love you?
He liked to feel like a hero when I would come home drunk and he'd have to take care of me. He would constantly tell me he saved my life a few times. Hero! He watched the kids while I went to Rehab for 21 days. Hero! He didn't need a drink to relax or have fun. Hero! He still continues to send me emails rubbing all this in my face.
I don't think he really loved me now that I think of it. I think he liked that I was weak and he felt like a hero because he had to save me once in a while. It bothered him that I had a successful career, friends, family and lots of confidence. He wanted me all to himself in this little bubble that I couldn't seem to bust!
I'm writing about him right now because he's been up to his manipulating tricks lately. I need to vent. I have been feeling very depressed and vulnerable lately and considered reconciling the marriage.
A friend of mine kicked my ass the other day! He made me realize that love is a behaviour! It is not just a feeling. Someone who behaves or treats you like shit, can't possibly love you. He enlightened me with all the stuff I've been going through over the last 3 years and reminded me just why I left him in the first place. After all, how can I be with someone who continually calls me names, especially a drunk? It is really affecting my mind!
I did drink everyday of our marriage. I don't blame my ex for that anymore, because once I left the marriage, the behaviour continued. That's when I realized I had a problem. When I felt alone, it became my friend. When I felt sad, it consoled me. When I felt happy, it excited me! Isn't that what a husband is supposed to do?
It's me.... All me. The cycle is in my family...has been for generations. How can I not fall into the alcoholic trap? Its been around me my whole life! I became powerless over booze since I was a child! I loved it! Made me confident, happy, and calm.
I became dependent on alcohol like a child depends on his mother. I don't want to depend on it anymore! I'm tired.
Jen, this is a great post. You have so much truth in here, and this is part of the struggle! I don't have an ex, but I've been married to a wonderful man for 14 years who struggles with depression. Low energy, swings of just not functioning well, and for years, I started to escape by drinking every night because it was just forced escape. Escape from a stressful job, being the one who did all the organizing, cooking, school work, cleaning...I felt like I had three kids, not two. I was resentful that he NEVER even noticed I was drinking...he thought the world of me. I was SO MAD he never even seemed to care enough to notice...
ReplyDeleteBut then I realized the drinking was making my anger and resentment WORSE. I'm still early on, as you know, but my full court press attempt at getting sober is really based on the fact that it is ME and not anyone else who can do this. He doesn't 'get' it, and honestly, is sleeping most of the time - but I can't blame him for anything.
In fact, don't even use the word BLAME. It just creates anger and resentment, either at you or someone else. Trust me, I have done some things I am not proud of, and if I held onto that blame, guilt, anger and resentment I'd be drunk right now. Really.
You can do this. I also come from a line of alcoholics. It's genetic. We can't do anything about it. In fact, you can't do anything about anything in the past, and once I realized that, I felt liberated. Screw it. Turn around, face the other direction, and start walking into the future. It's a better place, and we can control where we go. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself - the best thing you can tell yourself is that now, YOU CAN BE THE HERO. You can do it. We're all here to help. Write me anytime, I get it. I have lots of single friend moms, and it's tough. Being a mom is tough! Being a teacher is tough! But it's also the best life in the world...and I know you can do it. Be nice to yourself. Tell yourself you're awesome all the time, because I know you are. Say it outloud, and over and over, and soon...you will believe it!!!
By the way, this is whineless....:-)
ReplyDelete