I took tomorrow off...mental health day....i'll call it.
I went to the funeral this afternoon. It was tough. The hardest part for me was the fact that it was at the Legion (an old man's bar). People were having a Carling in honour of Johny Boy...... I wanted a Carling in his honour. I had a total melt down and walked out.....
Part of me doesn't really give a shit about this sobriety thing anyway. Part of me is saying why the fuck am I struggling and working so hard at being sober when I don't have to be. Part of me is saying I should be able to control it now that I've gone through all this shit. Part of me is saying it's all for nothing... we all die eventually.... I want to die happily. Do I want to spend the rest of my life without an ounce of booze? The big question is ....was I happier when I was drinking or am I happier being sober? I can't answer that today.
I don't feel happy.... that's a fact. I can't be getting the winter blues already...there's no snow yet....
Whether we drink or not, we are going to have to deal with the stressors that are inevitable so what is the difference?
So what am I left with.... a shitty blah feeling.
I watched the youtube movie from my last post last night. I wasn't as bad as him...as in drinking that much. It was such a sad story....but I'll never let myself get that bad.
Why didn't I drink in the past two days? I guess I'm afraid to disappoint people who know and understand what I'm going through. I'm afraid to disappoint my daughter mostly. I don't want to lose sleep either. And, I have to believe that God is watching over me and guiding me to where I'm supposed to be....(otherwise, that liquor store would have been opened last night)
My son Facetimes me from his dad's house. I was sober tonight and grateful for that..... if I wasn't sober, I wouldn't have answered his call ...then would have missed this beautiful moment.
God Bless.
Hey you.. this is a gritty time for sure. The grittiest of gritty times. You have done so bloody amazingly well to get through that funeral and the last couple of days without drinking. That says to me that you have the determination and strength inside you to keep on the sober path. You're doing great. Keep writing.. write it all out... write write write clean clean clean cry cry cry moan moan moan dance dance dance do whatever you need to do to get through.. aside from drink alcohol.. if you get through and don't do that you are going to fly my friend. F.L.Y. xxxx
ReplyDeleteWhat Mrs. D said. To have gone through what you went through with the funeral and come through sober after the way you felt yesterday??? That's a bona fide fucking miracle my friend. You are doing so well. You are amazing!!!
ReplyDeleteDo whatever you feel like doing except drink. Bitch, moan, cry, eat, run, SLEEP, and whatever else you need to do to stay sober. Email me or Mrs. D or ANYONE. Write it all out and then burn it - or save it to read later.
It sucks...but it's so worth it. I swear to God what you're feeling is normal. You feel like nothing in the world will ever be fun again. In fact, you feel like nothing will every be BEARABLE again. But I promise it's going to get better. In fact...it's going to get great.
As Mrs. D said, you're going to F.L.Y. But it hurts to grow wings.
Sherry
What a hard few days you have had. I am sorry. Reread the end of you post and hold that picture in your heart. What a beautiful moment. He has your smile ;)
ReplyDeleteListen to Mrs. D, she helped me so much the first time around (I too am on my second time around) and I am so grateful she is still here to help all of us. Ditto for SoberMomWrites. They are wonderful mentors and sources of courage.
I have read through a few of your posts (will catch up on more) looking forward to getting to know you. Csmissy
P.S. I am so sorry about your friend John.
ReplyDelete