I'm not really sure where to start this post.   First off, thanks for all your messages.  I didn't take anything personally.... i'm just blah.....  

I took tomorrow off...mental health day....i'll call it.   

I went to the funeral this afternoon.  It was tough.  The hardest part for me was the fact that it was at the Legion (an old man's bar).   People were having a Carling in honour of Johny Boy......   I wanted a Carling in his honour.  I had a total melt down and walked out.....  

Part of me doesn't really give a shit about this sobriety thing anyway.  Part of me is saying why the fuck am I struggling and working so hard at being sober when I don't have to be.  Part of me is saying I should be able to control it now that I've gone through all this shit.   Part of me is saying it's all for nothing...   we all die eventually....   I want to die happily.    Do I want to spend the rest of my life without an ounce of booze?   The big question is ....was I happier when I was drinking or am I happier being sober?   I can't answer that today.

I don't feel happy.... that's a fact.  I can't be getting the winter blues already...there's no snow yet....

Whether we drink or not, we are going to have to deal with the stressors that are inevitable so what is the difference?

So what am I left with.... a shitty blah feeling.


I watched the youtube movie from my last post last night.  I wasn't as bad as him...as in drinking that much.  It was such a sad story....but I'll never let myself get that bad.

Why didn't I drink in the past two days?  I guess I'm afraid to disappoint people who know and understand what I'm going through.  I'm afraid to disappoint my daughter mostly.   I don't want to lose sleep either.   And, I have to believe that God is watching over me and guiding me to where I'm supposed to be....(otherwise, that liquor store would have been opened last night)

My son Facetimes me from his dad's house.  I was sober tonight and grateful for that..... if I wasn't sober, I wouldn't have answered his call ...then would have missed this beautiful moment.

God Bless.

Struggle

I haven't had a drink yet and I'm not even sure how many days I've been sober, but I don't think I'm going to make it.

I've had the worst week ever!  I'm obsessed with wanting a glass of red wine.  I'm obsessed with thinking I could just drink occasionally with my buddies.  I'm so tired of being tired and thinking of it.   Why do I obsess over this and not others who drink, probably more than me?  Fuck!  It's not fair.

Blah, blah, blah.  I know all the shit I've said for the last couple of "sober" months but the fact is....I'm not happy.  I'm lonely as shit.  I have absolutely no one in my life besides my kids and it's fucking boring, especially when they are gone to their dad's for 4 days.   

I used to drink beer with an older couple at camp.....not as much last year because the man was sick and I was trying to quit drinking.  His name is John.  John died Sunday....and I'm attending the funeral tomorrow.   I don't do well at funerals.  Anyhow, John would come by my camp often this year, inviting me up for beers by his fire.  I didn't go once, because I was in my quit drinking phase.  He died.   That sucks man.  He was the sweetest little old man....always happy, always welcoming, always making people laugh.   I should have went to see him more often.  He was sick and I think I should have made more of an effort to visit him.  Even if I would have drank beer with him....it would have been worth spending time with him.   

Like now, I sit here alone every single night.  Nobody doesn't drink.   I can't just spend the rest of my time, rotting away in this home ....alone.   I want to go out and mingle and be surrounded by happy people.   Does it really matter if booze comes into play?   Fuck.  We only live once.   Seriously!

I did go to the liquor store tonight at 7:15 PM.  It was closed.   How fucking ironic.  So, yeah, I'm miraculously sober.   

The craving and wanting the wine is stronger than wanting to be sober forever.  It's so powerful right now.   I don't know where I will be tomorrow at this time.    

I'm sorry Lynn and I'm sorry my blogging buddies.   Peace be with you who have been sober for longer than me or who are just starting out.   

This is what I will watch as I go to bed.  Maybe it will help me see things in a different light.  I'm just in such a bad place right now.

Moving Forward....

Time to be Grateful

You know, with all the shit going on in my life, I'm so so grateful to be 70 days sober!!  If I wasn't sober, I think I would be a wreck.....

I know this because the last time I went through some of the same crap, I was drinking and I was a stress bucket.

Being sober gives me a different perspective on the bullshit.   I've come to terms with the fact that we can't control other people.   Being sober has given me a great opportunity to see things a lot more clearly.   I'm not foggy anymore.  I'm more aware now of how much people impact our lives....how they impact our decisions....how they impact our stress levels.   And....with all the shit....I'm still calmer and more serene then I've ever been!   That's why I'm so grateful!  I can see clearly....

People don't piss me off as much....I can just walk away....I can not answer the phone....I can avoid.....I can stand tall and say no......   I don't take shit....I don't hide behind the bottle and let them bring me down....

I'm grateful.   Sobriety fucking rocks once you have it by the balls!!!!!!!!    I wish anyone who is where I was 71 days ago would jump in!   Because it feels good!


I met my drunk buddies for wings and tea (for me) last night.  We had some great laughs and they asked me if I was ever going to drink again.  I said " I don't want to".  I told them how calm my life has been, even though I'm going through my nasty divorce.   I told them how more able I am to cope is....  I told them, I felt fantastic......   They seemed fine...we laughed....it was nice.  We promised to meet after work once a month and I'm totally comfortable with it....I didn't flinch upon the fact that one had a beer....I didn't even want one....I didn't even think about wanting one!  That was the best part!

I had my first sober dinner party at my house.... My sisters and their kids came over for thanksgiving dinner.  It was great!  We laughed....  Had tea....  Enjoyed the kids....

I'm slowly coming back into the world as a sober gal.   I needed some Me time and it was fantastic to discover who I am without the booze....  I'm ready for people now....

I'm grateful for being sober for 70 days for the first time since I was a teenager!

I am empowered!   You are empowered!

Letter to my buddy....

I hear your questions and concerns!   

I've always wondered why I just can't be a "normal" drinker or why it bothers me so much when I did drink everyday.   Some people drink way more than me and they are considered normal or it doesn't bother them at all....   Why am I different?   

I'm different because I'm aware of what the effects of the overuse of alcohol has done to my mind, body and soul.... (Includes sleepless nights)

I'm different because I'm not the type of drinker that can only have one or even two glasses of red wine....and feel satisfied.....  I need the whole bottle and maybe another ......I drink till it's all gone....

I'm different because I think about booze all day long.....wanting the liquid to enter my body to soothe it...like an obsession....

I'm different because I am a different person when I drink.  I become someone that I've gotten to know in the last two months of sobriety......I become loud, annoying, the party animal that everyone loves and wants around to mask what they are dealing with....

I'm different because I don't want to drink everyday and found myself drinking on a daily basis anyway......alone most of the time.....

People who drink in moderation have one or two and that's it....they know their limits and stay within them.    They don't obsess with booze like I did.....they don't sit at the clock and wait till 3pm to get home to pour their glass of booze..... They don't drink alone ...they are the ones that say "wow, she drank a lot last night....doesn't she know her limits?"  They don't need to drink the whole bottle.  They don't rely on an excess amount of alcohol to unwind or calm their nerves....

Everyone has their own reasons to drink.....whether they have a problem or not, it doesn't really matter.   

I'm here today, with you because we are tired of the same old cycle.   We are admitting that we don't like the way we feel about how or why we drink.    

You wrote:  if we drink alcoholic beverages, what is the point if we have no investment in a desire for its effect, even though alcoholic drinks and their entire being, is founded in getting us intoxicated to a point.   Do they sense a light relax and then head off?   

Yes!  

That's the difference between a "normal" drinker and me......   They only need one or two to get the feeling they are looking for ....they're not looking to get drunk and they know when they've gotten their little buzz on , and they don't pass their max....they know when to stop......  I want it to last forever!.  I don't want the buzz to leave and I don't even realize when I'm buzzed, or how buzzed I am until I'm way in over my head.......so I choose to drink till it's all gone.....or till I'm ready for bed or ready to pass out....  

Moderation. 

Noun

1.  The quality of being moderate, restraint, avoidance of extremes or excesses; temperance

I'm not a moderate drinker, I can't restrain from it and I don't avoid excess use of alcohol on a good day.....

How are you today?

Happy Friggen Friday!!! 

Eating junk food, hanging with kids.....they are having sleepovers here!!    ARGH!!

I'm good

I'm better than I was this morning.  Craving has passed.  I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it more than 20 times I think.... 
I last a few days, then bam!   Before I know it, I'm drinking everyday by myself, hiding booze from people I love, getting hungover,  feeling guilty and shity......

I'm hanging with my angels....I'm happy being a sober mom tonight....

Hugs
Jen

Red Wine!

Fuck!  I can't get the vision out of my head!  Just one glass of sparkling red wine would be so friggen amazing..... to me.

I should be able to drink red wine in moderation.  I miss it ....

Sorry....negative post....had to let it out.....