Effin Cravings!

I had a tough time after work today.  I was craving a nice cold beer badly.  I also love the fact that I have extra money in my account this month.    

So.... I drove past liquor store, got home, and went for a 5KM run.  I really didn't want to spend money today which helped make my decision to get past the cravings a little easier.

People are getting on my nerves.  The phone rang off the hook with people crying on my shoulder and venting about all the shit they are going through.  I'm actually sick of the same shit from the same people....I don't feel like listening anymore.  I just want to be left alone.

Nobody listens to my shit. ...probably because I don't feel like talking about it with anyone here in my hometown.  They just wouldn't understand my shit.

Thanks for listening my blogger friends.

I'm snuggled under my heavy blankets and really enjoying the fact that I'm sober and warm.

Hugs

Day 30! Yay!!!! .....now what?

Last night's cravings were bad!   Maybe because it was Friday night....maybe i was emotional....maybe i was lonely....maybe i just fuckin deserved a drink!!

But I resisted my millions of thoughts and survived the night drinking beautiful H2O.  Part of my strength came from knowing that today was going to be day 30 and i didn't want to screw that up.

I've gained weight this month. I treated myself and indulged in chips and ice cream often because i was resisting temptation to drink.  I kept my belly full so that I knew that one drink wouldn't give me the buzz i was looking for.

Twelve years ago , i quit smoking.  I gained weight then too!   Isn't it normal to gain weight when we let something go?     I know it won't take me long to get back on track with my weight but I don't really like myself right now.

Now what?

I have lost drinking buddies. I'm gaining weight.  I don't drink.  I'm a lonely 40 something year old.   I'm in debt.  

I have never been sober for more than 50 days.   I don't feel that strong but I'd love to beat my record. I also need to stop emotional eating.  It's making me feel yucky about myself.

Some days are better than other.  Some days i feel like a bull ready to fight in a ring!   Some days i feel like shit!

Day 26...Yay! Day 27 too....

Well, I must admit....the last few days have been easier.  I haven't thought much about drinking or wanting booze to relax my body.  I've turned my focus on other things...rearranging things, work, kids, rest, reading, eating, running, sleeping....

I think that the tough parts of my sobriety passed....maybe not all parts....like I haven't been invited to a wedding yet, or I haven't had a birthday yet..... but other tough parts....

....the cravings are the worst things to beat....once they come, you really have to fight em....fight em till they pass because once they're gone for the night, they're gone....and it feels so damn good to win the fight...

....facing drinking buddies was tough....they are still going through Jen withdrawals but I know they will be okay

....feeling bored and lonely were feelings I really had to face up to......  I wonder if I will ever meet someone who doesn't drink to spend my life with .....

.....dealing with stress was huge.....once that old ticker starts pounding, it's so much easier to grab a drink to calm it down.....but then what.....stress is still there the next day....and the next day.....  dealing head on, sober, with the shit we go through is so much easier.....



2nd part....

Today is Day 27....I'm finishing last night's post here....

I went to mediation class today and the teacher told us that we should be meditating everyday.....make it a habit...

He said that it takes 21 days to make new habits or break old ones.   21 days!   Maybe that's why things seem so much easier lately....  I've made new habits.  ....new habits for dealing with stress....new after work routines....new refreshing drinks and teas have been tested.....new habit to take time for me....including quiet time and rest.....

I love meditation class!  This is my second session with this instructor.  I took the first session last year when I quit drinking the last time, but I couldn't bring myself into a deep meditation.   I think I'm at a better place in my life today.

I feel fantastic!  Finally catching up on sleep!  Haven't been hungover in 27 days!  That friggen rocks!
If you'd have read my blog last month, you wouldn't believe that I'd be saying how great I feel today as a sober woman.  I was spiralling out of control......and thought there was no way out.  

It's hard to believe that sobriety could take you out of that rut we are stuck in while we are drinking...that wanting....the cravings..... they really do all pass when we are strong enough to say I'm done with the shit!

God Bless
Jen

Been Thinking....a lot

Last night's staff party brought a lot of laughter and gossip.   I'm extremely glad I went and stayed sober!  I watched as others drank...  Most of em just brought one or two drinks with them.  Many drank water.   Only one brought a 4 L box of wine and got tipsy.  Can you guess who?  My drinking buddy (past one).  I almost felt sorry for her cause she was sad that no one was drinking with her or like her.  Usually, it was me!  We were drinking buddies after all!

I left early and I guess everyone left right after because she texted me this an hour later:

<I'm feeling good.  Can you come drink with me?> 

I replied : <Awe.  I'm sorry ...I'm already in my PJs >

I thought about her for a while and thought about something a blogging buddy wrote on here or told me.  

When a friend tries to get you to drink with her, it's because she is trying to satisfy her needs to drink.  She doesn't care that you're trying to get sober.  She just cares about having someone there to make her feel better about drinking, especially if she's drinking alone.

Don't get me wrong....I love my buddy.  I just didn't feel as guilty as I normally would have felt, saying no to her request for a drinking buddy.



I ran my 12 KM today.  It was fantastic!  Haven't done that in a long time!  

I also thought about getting drunk today, picking up booze and just getting drunk without anybody knowing.  Just me and God.....
but that thought passed.  
It's always in back of my head though....  I'm focussed on making it to day 30 so I'm going to need lots of help to get passed that day!!

God Bless!
Jen
Day 23

Sober for Today

Thank you all for your comments.   They really helped me today.  I went to staff party late and left early.  People asked why I wasn't drinking.  I just said that I wanted to do a long 12 KM run tomorrow because I was training for a half marathon.   I ate a little bit of everything and then some.

It was tough when everyone was testing the Mojitos....went right by me.....in one hand....out the other.....

I was quiet probably and left first....I'm sure they all enjoyed gossiping about me when I left.

I'm so tired now.   I set up a movie in bed so that I could just lay there, feel sorry for myself and pass out....soberly.

I am pleased with my decision not to drink tonight, only because I WILL get up and run in the morning and not feel like shit....

I really do want to make it to Day 30!  I'm not really sure where I will go from there but it will do my body good to have a booze break.....although it's getting lots of treats lately.

However.... I miss the little buzz I could have had....you know that feeling you get when you're mind can stop thinking for a while.

...with a lot of difficulties

If there is a God, I hope He helps me this weekend.

I've been a mess....haven't touched booze in 22 days but that's all I can think of....

Daughter:   Mom, why are you so cranky

Me:   I'm just having some troubles babes..I'm sorry.   I love you.

Daughter:  Well, I think you should start drinking again.  You were happier.   Really mom.....

Me:  I'm sorry babes.  I'll be okay.....Please be patient.

Staff party tonight.....My mind says <<Fuck, I'm so close to 30 days!>>>   My body says it's very fucking thirsty and tired.  It just wants to be numb for one day, one hour.....

Friggen thoughts suck....

15 days...and this one was a crazy one!

I'm not sure what was the worst part of my night.   Rushing my son to Emerg for stitches or the moment my friend put a beer in my hand because i was stressed from going to the Emerg. 

As i sat in Emerg with my little guy, i felt enormously grateful for the fact that i was totally sober and able to drive my son to the hospital in the first place.   It was much better than getting driven there and trying to mask my breath to break the smell of alcohol.  I was able to hold him as the doctor stuck the needle in his leg to freeze the cut so she could give him stitches. It was at that moment that i realized  that God works in mysterious ways.  It's been very rare lately, besides the last 15 days, that I've been sober at 7pm.   But here i was, with my precious angel being the mom that i was supposed to be.... The best mom in the world to him.  

I got back to camp a few hours later. My son wanted to go see his buddies to let them know he was fine.  Parents were drinking around the fire, kids went inside. My friend offered me a beer, then another  friend offered me one of his beers.   I said no both times. 5 minutes later, he put a cold beer in my hand and said you need this. I immediately pushed it away, knowing that yes i needed it, yes I would have loved it but no.... I didn't really WANT it.   Fuck!  Ok.... Maybe 25% of me did......a nice cold beer would have been amazing after the ordeal i had.  .....but the rest of my mind and body said no.     I gathered my kids and we walked back for some quiet movie and snuggles time.

Would it have been worth it.....having that cold beer?  Definitely not!   Now that I'm sitting here sober as shit, listening to my precious children snore away, I know that tomorrow morning i will be refreshed and able to run!  I also know that I will be the best mom i could be....one without guilt or a sleepless night or a hangover!

I'm exhausted, drained and probably not making much sense.

God Bless

Jen
Day friggen 15!