Thus Begins Week 2!!

The blessing of getting what you do no want is that it reminds you what you do want. -Abraham, through Esther Hicks

I had a full page blogged but deleted half of it...  This is all that remains and this is all that's important.

But for today, I stayed sober. I stayed healthy and strong. I looked at my children as they did their homework, as we sat around the table for dinner and I felt blessed. I am blessed today. My children are beautiful!


Day 8

Week 1 -Search for Spirituality Begins!

Today, I decided to begin my spiritual quest.  I have been searching for spirituality for many years now and with my drinking patterns, the search always seems to fall short of my mission.

I took out many books from my basement storage room today...my Bible, "Handle with Prayer by Alan Cohen, The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie, Sober Living, Daily Reflections, How Meditation Heals by Eric Harrison.  I've also began googling many sites in search for answers.  (If you can recommend more, I'll take them).

I've done some reading.  The following is from the book "Handle with Prayer" by Alan Cohen:  

To change your life, begin by changing your thoughts.

Because most people do not understand that every thought is a prayer, they attempt to change their lives by rearranging the outer world without addressing the negative thoughts they are holding about it.  This is called a "geographical cure", which does not work.  It is useless to try to change your outer world unless you first change your inner world.  If you attempt to make external changes before doing the necessary inner transformation, the outer world will just keep repeating the same pattern.  We keep re-creating the same situation over and over again until we change our mind.

I could honestly type the rest of this chapter.  It made me open my eyes to becoming more focused of what I DO want instead of what I DON'T want.  

I do want to be sober.  I do want to live in peace.  I want to be a great sober mommy.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be happy.

I've done some thinking to what negative thoughts I'm holding on to.  I'll have to put some thoughts into this and blog about it another day.

Today begins my work on changing my inner world.  The chaotic one that is stressed and takes things for granted.  The one that doesn't always take time to see and appreciate the many gifts in my life.  The one that lives in a fast pace, modernized, materialistic world.  The one that is tired and emotionally drained.  

I will find my spirituality during my recovery from this crazy ass addiction!  I will continue to search, read and seek help until I find it!

Day 6

***I don't want to be that woman again, who loses control of her body, her words, her mind! I love being aware of the little things around me...haven't been like that in a while. 

This is what I wrote on my previous blog six months ago when I was on day 6!   I still feel that way even more now than I did then.  

I am doing good!  I must admit that I feel like I'm doing good because my kids were at their dad's from Monday (day 1) to Wednesday (day3).    This is the only reason I got to Day 4 I'm sure. The first 3 "sober" days was me, going to work and coming home to a quiet, home with no screaming or fighting.  I did no housework, no  cooking, no chatting or visiting friends, no dating. ...I came home, cried, slept on the couch and watch movies for 3 days.  It gave me a jump start to what needed to be done!  It was me in detox mode...big time!   I even cut out sweets and junk food!   Almost lost my friggen mind!  

It sucked bad. Cravings suck!  I wish they would just go away and I could be a "Regular" drinker....the take it or leave it kind....

I heard a couple of times this week, that if you could make it past day 3, it gets easier!   This is absolutely true!   It got easier and is getting easier.  It's probably helping that I'm only 3 pounds from my goal weight and I don't want the extra calories from booze..... I know from reading blogs and past experiences that I've always gotta be ready, whether I'm at my goal weight and have nothing left to lose, or not.

So, to anyone wanting to fight this crazy ass addiction, start by preparing 3 days!  3 days where you can be alone, with your thoughts only....no stresses ....if you have kids, get your better half to take them away from you if need be done!   I think it's worth it!  We are worth it!  You're worth it!

Day 5...Really?

I thought all day that this was day 4.  I had to look at my posts and saw that I'm on day 5!

What a weird day for me.  I felt peaceful for some reason.  I didn't feel stressed even though my parents came up from where they live, decided to spend the night with me and my kids, and have been drinking since 5!  My dad is sloshed and he is sooooo annoying.  My daughter can't believe how drunk he is.  When I said sorry to her, that gramps was drunk, she whispered in my ear "as long as its not you".  Wow!  She's smart, isn't she?

I only had a mild craving after work but kept busy to get it off my mind.  Then I felt a calm and serene feeling all night.  Almost spaced out....my daughter kept saying "what's wrong". And I'd just smile and say...nothing at all.

I'm not saying I got it licked!  I'm saying that I lived for today.  I'm sober and loving it!

Day 4

I compare myself to Dexter.  If you haven't seen the series, it's an amazing show!  I love Dexter.  He is a serial killer that only kills bad people! He also talks about his dark passenger.   Here's a little insight of his dark passenger.

The Dark Passenger is a concept used within the DEXTER Universe to represent the "demon" inside of all of us that actively makes us do terrible things. While it was actually built upon as being an actual entity in the novels, it more or less is the level of "darkness" in each person's personality that can either control them or be controlled.

Wow eh!   I have a dark passenger!  His name is Al (short for Alcohol).  He's my demon.  Makes me do terrible, stupid things.  He is my darkness....he tries hard to control me and I hate him for that.    I'm working on letting this passenger go, but he's not going easily.  He's fighting back and he has no place to go....so he's clinging on to me.   I will find a way to let my dark passenger go...   He's on his way out!

Don't know if this made sense to any of you.  I'm exhausted!  I know I'm rambling.  

But, I survived Day 4.  Tomorrow is Friday and that's a whole other issue.  Al loves Fridays!

Day 3 - 10PM

We could be at the lowest low of the day, and someone, a stranger could walk into your life and change your outlook on the day!   We just need to listen and hear the stranger.  

I did survive the day. I keep thinking of the post I read a couple days ago on "Willpower". I want lots of it.  I'm fighting.  I'm fighting.

God bless!

Day 3-6AM

I made it through the night....woke up this morning and ran a 5 KM on the treadmill!   I feel good....cranky but good!

I want to make it so bad but I'm so weak!   The cravings are so strong!   Cravings for cold beer running down my trachea, numbness to the stressors in my life, the ability to forget about all the shit I have to do.

Here's to Day 3!  Cheers with H2O!

Day 2 Sucks!

I want to crawl into an f***en hole and stay there for a few days!

I'll try to elaborate more on this post after I take a hot bath!  Just walked into the door from a crazy ass day!

God Bless!

January Ten-4! Could this be my Day 1?

I emailed an old blogging buddy of mine yesterday to tell her about my new blog and was surprised at the question she asked "Have you thought of a quit date?"

My first thought was heck no!  I was just trying to process the fact that I've been falling into old patterns and I wasn't happy about relying on alcohol to deal with my stress levels.

I'm not sure exactly when I started drinking again on a regular basis or how it happened.  I know it started with a social event and me convincing myself that I could drink socially. I did a great job eh?  Now, I find myself hiding booze from my kids or family, I find myself craving it by 3 pm on a daily basis, I find myself avoiding outings because I need to drink and I can't drive if I'm drinking, I find myself gaining weight and losing control of what goes in my body, including a lot of junk food, I find myself drinking alone on most days.....

From social drinker to lonely drinker....what's wrong with this picture?  So much, but with feeling so "powerless"....I don't care about what's wrong with that picture because when I'm drinking, I'm at peace, i feel calm and get shit done and actually feel empowered to do anything...(except drive).   

Anyway, I did a lot of thinking last night and thought "I'll quit February 1st and call it "Booze-Free February".  So, of course my mind thinks, I have two weeks to get shit faced and gain more weight and feel like shit!   Two weeks left before i give up booze and all social areas of my life because all my friends and family drink. Then, I thought "Oh, it's my birthday in February....so it may not be a good month to quit."

Maybe March 1 st will be  a better month. ...then I have more time to drink and convince myself that this is what's best for me. Heck, it will take me that long to psych myself to quit for the rest of my life.  ...but then, there's March Break and I want to take a trip to somewhere hot where there's an all-inclusive package deal so I can drink as much as I want for "free"!...so it may not be a good month to quit either.

Is there ever a good time to do it?  To just quit something that we love so much?  NO!  It's as simple as that.  There will always be something that comes up, that will entice us to drink. We are surrounded by it on a daily basis frigg!

So I decided that today was the day.   Just for today, I didn't want to drink. Well, I actually did want to drink but I did better things for my body...like soaked in the tub and relaxed. ...and had a great healthy meal!

What is special about today?  Today is January ten-4!   Today is my day!  I want today to be the day that I made the choice to "not " drink anymore. 

January 14 (ten-4). Sounds like a perfect day to give my body back it's health and energy that it so deserves!

I know I have so much work to do.  I will read my original blog everyday to see the shit I went through last time I tried to quit.  Maybe I'll find myself reading my own advice and say ...yeah ...you're right Jen....

Old blog :   

http://breakingthecyclemom.blogspot.ca/?m=1

Wish me luck!  There are no guarantees but today I made it!  

God bless!

Will I ever be ready?

Life is so stressful!  Mine is right now.  I feel like I'm drowning and there's no one there to save me.   I don't know how to get control back.  Kids are walking all over me.  My ex is an ass.  I'm broke because of Christmas.  I'm lonely.  I'm gaining weight because I find comfort in food and booze lately.
How do you snap out of this big ocean that just wants to swallow me?

The drink makes me not think for a while about all these stresses in my life.  Nothing else can do that for me right now.  Yesterday, I painted my daughters room and had a couple of beers, hidden in the garage (I won't drink in front of my kids) and I felt happy.  But ...the reality is ...I"m still not happy.

Will I ever be ready to lead a sober life like some of you who made it past 100 days?  I want to be able to write that on my blog one day.

How?  I don't feel strong enough to fight anymore.  I'm getting old and I'm very tired.

Winters are long and depressing eh?

I've Fallen!

I am creating this new blog because I don't want my sister and friend that know about the old one to be disgusted with me. I need my blogging friends back in my life...desperately.

My old blog was http://breakingthecyclemom.blogspot.ca/?m=1 It's me....Jen I've lost focus.

Sorry everyone. Sorry me. Sorry sis. Sorry to my friends. Sorry me.

I need to create a new blog. A few people I know will be reading this and will be quite disappointed. I want to start over somehow. I don't want people I know watch me struggle with this mad ass addiction I'm stuck with.
I'm not always drinking to get drunk but I am depending on it again to ease my nerves almost on a daily basis...one or two in the closet. I won't do it in front of my kids.

It seems to be the only way to calm me through this tough time of my life right now. It's my crutch. I feel like shit. I've gained 10 pounds, I'm spending money. I'm relying on booze again. I want to get drunk when I'm stressed. I love feeling my body go from stressed to numb in 10 seconds.

 How friggen insane is that?

 I don't know how to fix me!